I have spent the last day and a half reading Ethan's 5 1/2 year journey that I wrote about on carepages. I loved reading Ethan's story again. It was like he was alive again....I could hear him talking, laughing, being angry, crying, all of it and it was such a wonderful thing to be able to have those memories come to life for me.It was a bittersweet read, and one that left me in awe of how much my faith grew and how God carried us all through that time.
To be honest, I have been in a dry patch with God lately. I know He is there always, walking beside me, loving me, guiding me.....but over the past several months I have felt distant from Him.
I heard from several different sources that when this happens, it's not God who is distant, it's me. So I dove into daily devotions, reading my bible daily, prayer, you name it, I did it. Some days I would feel His presence; other days not so much.
I felt His presence the most when I was worshiping. It was overwhelmingly peaceful and joyful....to the point that I didn't want to leave. Then God reminded me that my body is the temple; the Holy Spirit resides in me and I can worship, be filled with peace and joy, all the time. But life gets in the way, because I allow it to. When I am at church I focus completely and solely on God, when I leave the building I allow the little things to pull my attention away from Him.
As I read through the carepages, I noticed that even with life pulling my attention away, I was still focusing on God and giving everything to Him, thanking Him for everything....I have stopped doing that.
So today, I will begin anew to put God first, to remember to thank Him for everything - good and bad, to call on Him throughout the day.
This journey we call life continues and I have experienced it firsthand with the love, peace, and joy that God offers to those who put Him first and also without putting Him first and just getting through everyday....I prefer the former and will continue to strive for that.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Running
Who would have guessed that a 5 year anniversary would have such an effect on me. September 8, 2013 will be 5 years since Ethan died. April 7 was 10 years since diagnosis; June will mark the prognosis of 6 months left to live, the Riverbank run will mark 5 years since my first 5k race.
I got back into running in January of 2008, Ethan had just had another relapse and I was looking for a way to relieve stress so I could be a better Mom. My brother Mark was a runner and talked me into running and training for a 5k; his wife Monica joined me in training. We trained separately but it was good to know that she was out there trying to run too. I ran that 5k for Ethan because I felt like running was the only thing I could do for him - I couldn't take his cancer away, I couldn't take the side effects away, I could just be there for him and in order to do that I needed to be my best.
I prayed him and our family a lot and I ran. Ethan was so impressed with me running! He would marvel at the distance I could run because he couldn't run - he let me use his mp3 player so I could listen to music while I ran - I still have that playlist.
The year after Ethan died, I tried to train for the 25k at Riverbank - was sick a lot and didn't get much training in....the Monday before the race I went out and ran 10 miles and decided that if my son could fight cancer for 5 1/2 years; I could run 15 miles. I ran it. I was tired, sore and exhilarated at the finish - broke down and cried for a few minutes too. I've run the 25k ever since...this year I have been sick a lot and not able to train like I wanted; I got in a 10 miler few weeks ago and have only been able to do 8 since then. On Saturday, I will run the 25k....because it's the only thing I can do for my son now. I can run listening to his playlist, I can wear the E shirt we had made after he died, and I can cross the finish line tired, sore and exhilarated - praising God for sacrificing His Son so mine could live, dance and praise Him eternally.
This song says it all for me
I got back into running in January of 2008, Ethan had just had another relapse and I was looking for a way to relieve stress so I could be a better Mom. My brother Mark was a runner and talked me into running and training for a 5k; his wife Monica joined me in training. We trained separately but it was good to know that she was out there trying to run too. I ran that 5k for Ethan because I felt like running was the only thing I could do for him - I couldn't take his cancer away, I couldn't take the side effects away, I could just be there for him and in order to do that I needed to be my best.
I prayed him and our family a lot and I ran. Ethan was so impressed with me running! He would marvel at the distance I could run because he couldn't run - he let me use his mp3 player so I could listen to music while I ran - I still have that playlist.
The year after Ethan died, I tried to train for the 25k at Riverbank - was sick a lot and didn't get much training in....the Monday before the race I went out and ran 10 miles and decided that if my son could fight cancer for 5 1/2 years; I could run 15 miles. I ran it. I was tired, sore and exhilarated at the finish - broke down and cried for a few minutes too. I've run the 25k ever since...this year I have been sick a lot and not able to train like I wanted; I got in a 10 miler few weeks ago and have only been able to do 8 since then. On Saturday, I will run the 25k....because it's the only thing I can do for my son now. I can run listening to his playlist, I can wear the E shirt we had made after he died, and I can cross the finish line tired, sore and exhilarated - praising God for sacrificing His Son so mine could live, dance and praise Him eternally.
This song says it all for me
Sunday, April 7, 2013
10 years.....10,000 reasons
Today marks 10 years that Ethan was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Ten years ago today we sat in the waiting room while our 7 year old son had brain surgery to remove a tumor the size of a golf ball that was pushing on his brain stem. A tumor that caused such vomiting and headaches that for 6 months had everything thinking he had severe acid reflux. Ethan underwent a Nissen fundoplication two weeks prior to this surgery to stop him from vomiting.
Our whole world changed on April 7, 2003. We entered a world of doctors, nurses, child life specialists, physical therapists, aides, clinics, hospitals, chemotherapy, and radiation that we never knew existed. At first the road was rocky....we weren't certain we belonged there but slowly and surely realized that we were there, there was no going back. We opened our hearts and minds to the people that were around us and we learned so much about people, our children, our community, and our God.
The journey that we started that day has not ended even though Ethan's earthly life has. Our journey continues on today in understanding what it means to have a family member or friend that has a diagnosis of cancer. It continues on in understanding the difficult task of making peace with a Maker who sees a much bigger picture than we do and trusting that He knows best even when we think we know better. It continues in the way we can mourn with others who have had to bury their own children or loved ones.
Today is a day that I will forever remember. After the nurses in the PICU urged us to go home and get rest before Ethan's surgery, Joe and I came home. In amongst the tears and hugging, Joe asked me why God was doing this to us? I remember having a vision of my family being split apart - divorce, hatred, ugliness - and I answered him. "God is not doing this to us, but we need to cling to Him if we are going to get through this." More tears, more hugging, more God...
Most of you know the story that comes after that first week, if you would like to read the story of Ethan's 5 1/2 year cancer journey; his carepage is still up at www.carepages.com/ethanmcgraw.
Our church sang 10,000 Reasons today and my heart and soul almost burst with joy. A joy that is so
difficult to explain but so easy to have. Bless the Lord, O my Soul! Thank you, Jesus, for the journeys that you have sent me on that brought me so much closer to you - I await the day I get to see You face to face and my own son gets to show me around Heaven. Alleluia!!!
Our whole world changed on April 7, 2003. We entered a world of doctors, nurses, child life specialists, physical therapists, aides, clinics, hospitals, chemotherapy, and radiation that we never knew existed. At first the road was rocky....we weren't certain we belonged there but slowly and surely realized that we were there, there was no going back. We opened our hearts and minds to the people that were around us and we learned so much about people, our children, our community, and our God.
The journey that we started that day has not ended even though Ethan's earthly life has. Our journey continues on today in understanding what it means to have a family member or friend that has a diagnosis of cancer. It continues on in understanding the difficult task of making peace with a Maker who sees a much bigger picture than we do and trusting that He knows best even when we think we know better. It continues in the way we can mourn with others who have had to bury their own children or loved ones.
Today is a day that I will forever remember. After the nurses in the PICU urged us to go home and get rest before Ethan's surgery, Joe and I came home. In amongst the tears and hugging, Joe asked me why God was doing this to us? I remember having a vision of my family being split apart - divorce, hatred, ugliness - and I answered him. "God is not doing this to us, but we need to cling to Him if we are going to get through this." More tears, more hugging, more God...
Most of you know the story that comes after that first week, if you would like to read the story of Ethan's 5 1/2 year cancer journey; his carepage is still up at www.carepages.com/ethanmcgraw.
Our church sang 10,000 Reasons today and my heart and soul almost burst with joy. A joy that is so
difficult to explain but so easy to have. Bless the Lord, O my Soul! Thank you, Jesus, for the journeys that you have sent me on that brought me so much closer to you - I await the day I get to see You face to face and my own son gets to show me around Heaven. Alleluia!!!
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Happy Birthday, Ethan!
Tomorrow, November 19, I will celebrate the birth of my third child! Ethan was born at 7:37AM. He was the third and final son to be born on a Sunday! My labor was less than 6 hours with him and I remember when the doctor held him up and then placed him on my chest, how blessed I felt. My heart felt like it would burst with love just like it did when Jared and Erik were born. Ethan looked like his brothers - we joked with our nurses that there was no reason to put a hospital band on him....he was definitely a McGraw!
The other boys had a cross stitch birth announcement done with in months of them being born. I made them each one that said their names, birth weight, height, and time. For some reason I didn't get around to getting Ethan's finished until he was diagnosed with cancer. I remember feeling awful that my son could die and I didn't even record his birth! So a cross stitch was finished when Ethan was 7 years old announcing his birth. He was happy to finally have one and I was glad to finally have a record that he was here.
This will be the 5th birthday we celebrate without Ethan physically. For some reason, this one is making me quite emotional. Little things all week have popped up that have just taken my breath away with memories....children that come up from behind me and hug me - just the way Ethan did a couple of days before he died....somebody said "what's up? Chicken butt" today- Joe and Ethan used to say this to each other all the time....I watched a mom and middle school child hold hands today in church and I was reminded of walking to McDonald's for the last time with Ethan - we held hands on the way there.
Tomorrow I will remember and celebrate the life of my third child - an incredible gift given to me by an incredible God and I am so thankful!
The other boys had a cross stitch birth announcement done with in months of them being born. I made them each one that said their names, birth weight, height, and time. For some reason I didn't get around to getting Ethan's finished until he was diagnosed with cancer. I remember feeling awful that my son could die and I didn't even record his birth! So a cross stitch was finished when Ethan was 7 years old announcing his birth. He was happy to finally have one and I was glad to finally have a record that he was here.
This will be the 5th birthday we celebrate without Ethan physically. For some reason, this one is making me quite emotional. Little things all week have popped up that have just taken my breath away with memories....children that come up from behind me and hug me - just the way Ethan did a couple of days before he died....somebody said "what's up? Chicken butt" today- Joe and Ethan used to say this to each other all the time....I watched a mom and middle school child hold hands today in church and I was reminded of walking to McDonald's for the last time with Ethan - we held hands on the way there.
Tomorrow I will remember and celebrate the life of my third child - an incredible gift given to me by an incredible God and I am so thankful!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Time forgotten, Time Remembered
Chamber Choir is working on a piece of music called Alzheimer's Stories. It's about the disease. The piece is divided into 3 movements: The Numbers, The Stories, The Caregivers. It's an extremely moving piece of music. The lyrics, the music, the emotion....
I finally figured out tonight why I cry my way through most of the music - which is really not good! Music is a part of my soul. I think without music a part of me would die. I am constantly singing either in my head, out loud, or in my heart. It is a very emotional part of me. Now add to that words....words like "I've lost myself" ""Time forgotten, time remembered""Keep faith. They sense what they cannot show" "Love and music are the last things to go" "Love and compassion repair every loss."
It sends me right to the very raw emotions of Ethan's last days....his entire journey. No...it wasn't Alzheimer's. It was the loss of a life I had planned from day I found out I was pregnant. There's the plan and there's what really happens....we have learned that lesson.
My heart aches for those - 1 in 85 people worldwide - who are living with Alzheimer's....and the spouses, the children, the siblings, friends, the list can go on and on....
For me....whenever I sing this piece....I am taken right back to Ethan..the day he was diagnosed....the 5 1/2 year journey....the end....he sensed what he couldn't show....when he did only have love and music.....such a powerful piece....such an emotional ride for me.
I can only begin to understand how the people in our choir and Grand Rapids Women's Chorus (they are joining us for this concert) that are directly affected by Alzheimer's their emotional ride.
I finally figured out tonight why I cry my way through most of the music - which is really not good! Music is a part of my soul. I think without music a part of me would die. I am constantly singing either in my head, out loud, or in my heart. It is a very emotional part of me. Now add to that words....words like "I've lost myself" ""Time forgotten, time remembered""Keep faith. They sense what they cannot show" "Love and music are the last things to go" "Love and compassion repair every loss."
It sends me right to the very raw emotions of Ethan's last days....his entire journey. No...it wasn't Alzheimer's. It was the loss of a life I had planned from day I found out I was pregnant. There's the plan and there's what really happens....we have learned that lesson.
My heart aches for those - 1 in 85 people worldwide - who are living with Alzheimer's....and the spouses, the children, the siblings, friends, the list can go on and on....
For me....whenever I sing this piece....I am taken right back to Ethan..the day he was diagnosed....the 5 1/2 year journey....the end....he sensed what he couldn't show....when he did only have love and music.....such a powerful piece....such an emotional ride for me.
I can only begin to understand how the people in our choir and Grand Rapids Women's Chorus (they are joining us for this concert) that are directly affected by Alzheimer's their emotional ride.
Friday, September 7, 2012
4 years
4 years....the time we spend in high school.....the time a college attributes to a bachelor's degree....the age when children continually ask the question why.
It's been 4 years since Ethan died. 4 years ago I was sitting in an immense hospital room gazing at my son, knowing that I would never hear him speak again, that he would not open his eyes and look at me, that it was time for me to say goodbye.
Our pastor stopped by to say a blessing and sang a beautiful lullaby to Ethan..I stood alongside and wept silently...even though Ethan was 12...almost 13, death meant no more lullabies for me, no more hugs and kisses goodnight, no more saying...."Just go to bed"...
I prayed with Pastor and we said our goodnights....I was left alone with this child that God had blessed me with....that God had entrusted to me....and now it was time to say goodbye....time to return him to his Heavenly Father.
The same Heavenly Father who held both of us that night....who stayed by our sides....weeping with me and encouraging Ethan....quietly telling both of us that all would be well....
I am so thankful for the time that we were blessed with Ethan's soul....were they always good times and laughter? No....Was I a perfect parent? No....just ask my other two sons!! Was Ethan a perfect child? No...again...ask the sons!! But we did have a perfect Father that we entrusted our lives to and because of that...He walked through the valley of the shadow of death with us...Ethan came out on one side and we came out on the other. Oh, Death, where is thy sting???
So thankful for angels singing, for beauty beyond description, for indescribable joy on September 8, 2008 at 10:10am....
4 years...seems like yesterday.
It's been 4 years since Ethan died. 4 years ago I was sitting in an immense hospital room gazing at my son, knowing that I would never hear him speak again, that he would not open his eyes and look at me, that it was time for me to say goodbye.
Our pastor stopped by to say a blessing and sang a beautiful lullaby to Ethan..I stood alongside and wept silently...even though Ethan was 12...almost 13, death meant no more lullabies for me, no more hugs and kisses goodnight, no more saying...."Just go to bed"...
I prayed with Pastor and we said our goodnights....I was left alone with this child that God had blessed me with....that God had entrusted to me....and now it was time to say goodbye....time to return him to his Heavenly Father.
The same Heavenly Father who held both of us that night....who stayed by our sides....weeping with me and encouraging Ethan....quietly telling both of us that all would be well....
I am so thankful for the time that we were blessed with Ethan's soul....were they always good times and laughter? No....Was I a perfect parent? No....just ask my other two sons!! Was Ethan a perfect child? No...again...ask the sons!! But we did have a perfect Father that we entrusted our lives to and because of that...He walked through the valley of the shadow of death with us...Ethan came out on one side and we came out on the other. Oh, Death, where is thy sting???
So thankful for angels singing, for beauty beyond description, for indescribable joy on September 8, 2008 at 10:10am....
4 years...seems like yesterday.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Wow...haven't written in 6 months...life must be busy! Well, it is. I love every thing that I am involved in and it is so hard to say no to something that you love to do! So...teaching is number one on the plate: M - F 7:30am - 3:30pm, singing is in a tie with running: Chamber Choir Tues. 7:30 - 9:30pm Church choir Th. 7 - 8:30pm Worship team - M. 6:30 - 8pm Sat. 11am - 12:30pm (only once a month). Running: just getting back into the schedule: M - 4 miles, T - speedwork, W - rest, TH - Hills, FRI - rest, Sat - long run. Sundays - absolutely love - traditional worship - 8:30am, teach 6th, 7th, & 8th grade S.S. 9:50 - 10:50, contemporary worship 11am. Usually help out with small group confirmation 6-7:30pm - about 3 Sundays a month and when I'm not doing that LOVE helping out with High School Youth group twice a month. Then you add in Gilda's which is on an occasional basis on Wednesday's 5:30 - 7:30pm and bible Study on Thurs. mornings at 6:30am, breakfast with friends on Wed. mornings 6:30am, parent meetings, presentations at the Libraries and my life is pretty full. LOVE IT ALL!!!
Today, ran into someone at Meijer who I know through a grief group and she asked me how I was doing...I told her that I am so happy Ethan is heaven. She just smiled and told me that kinda emanates from me. As I was walking through the store, I thought...I am so completely at peace with Ethan's death. So glad that he is not living on this earth any longer; that he is in complete and total peace, joy and love. Dancing and singing his little heart out - what joy this brings my heart~ I am so thankful that there is no void...that I just have complete and total peace, knowing that my boy is living the life that is meant for all of us!
So as I passed the Valentine display, this adorable little monkey caught my eye. (Ethan named himself Monk-Monk and had several stuffed monkeys). I bought it and it's sitting next the computer so whenever I sit down to work or play I can see cute thing that just makes me smile as I remember my son and all the joy he brought me!
"Rejoice in the LORD always,I will say it again; Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4 -6
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