Jennifer's Journey

2012-01-22T23:05:00.002-05:00

Wow...haven't written in 6 months...life must be busy! Well, it is. I love every thing that I am involved in and it is so hard to say no to something that you love to do! So...teaching is number one on the plate: M - F 7:30am - 3:30pm, singing is in a tie with running: Chamber Choir Tues. 7:30 - 9:30pm Church choir Th. 7 - 8:30pm Worship team - M. 6:30 - 8pm Sat. 11am - 12:30pm (only once a month). Running: just getting back into the schedule: M - 4 miles, T - speedwork, W - rest, TH - Hills, FRI - rest, Sat - long run. Sundays - absolutely love - traditional worship - 8:30am, teach 6th, 7th, & 8th grade S.S. 9:50 - 10:50, contemporary worship 11am. Usually help out with small group confirmation 6-7:30pm - about 3 Sundays a month and when I'm not doing that LOVE helping out with High School Youth group twice a month. Then you add in Gilda's which is on an occasional basis on Wednesday's 5:30 - 7:30pm and bible Study on Thurs. mornings at 6:30am, breakfast with friends on Wed. mornings 6:30am, parent meetings, presentations at the Libraries and my life is pretty full. LOVE IT ALL!!!Today, ran into someone at Meijer who I know through a grief group and she asked me how I was doing...I told her that I am so happy Ethan is heaven. She just smiled and told me that kinda emanates from me. As I was walking through the store, I thought...I am so completely at peace with Ethan's death. So glad that he is not living on this earth any longer; that he is in complete and total peace, joy and love. Dancing and singing his little heart out - what joy this brings my heart~ I am so thankful that there is no void...that I just have complete and total peace, knowing that my boy is living the life that is meant for all of us!So as I passed the Valentine display, this adorable little monkey caught my eye. (Ethan named himself Monk-Monk and had several stuffed monkeys). I bought it and it's sitting next the computer so whenever I sit down to work or play I can see cute thing that just makes me smile as I remember my son and all the joy he brought me!"Rejoice in the LORD always,I will say it again; Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4 -6

And so it begins....

2011-08-29T21:50:00.000-04:00

School started back up this week...my new kids started orientation today! It was a beautiful day and the kids did really well.
Running is going well also...I plan to run the Grand Rapids Marathon in October so I have been training most of the summer.
But what has kept my mind full no matter how hard I try to shake it is memories of August and September 3 years ago. I was training for my first 10 mile run - the Bridge Run here in Grand Rapids (I will be running this this year also). I was welcoming new students to school. And I was anticipating the death of my youngest son.
I knew it was coming...the doctors had told me in June that I would have 6 months with him but Ethan was on different timing. His speech was slurred, he had gained almost 20 pounds in 2 months, and he was having mini-seizures. I was trying to memorize every moment...I knew the moments would not be forever.
Ethan knew it was coming too. He never said anything to me but in his actions he told us that his body was shutting down.
So it begins the rollercoaster of memories that I have found comes to me every year about the end of August and will end about the middle of September. Yes, tears fall, yes, there is laughter, yes, there is sadness. But at the end of the ride, I get off knowing that Ethan is home...waiting for me and all of us. I'm thankful for his homecoming and wait patiently for the day my vacation will end.

Wow...

2011-05-18T20:58:00.000-04:00

SO I ran the Kalamazoo Marathon on May 8...came in at 4:47...8 minutes slower than my first Marathon last May. You think so much when you run...especially when you don't have music. Most marathon races request that you run without music and I oblige. ANYWAY...during the run I couldn't help thinking how running was MY thing...not really God's. All the races I run, really focus on me and not Him. Is that okay? I don't know. The thought occurred to me more than once to not run "long" races anymore because the focus was on MY ability and not on what God has blessed me with.
Then 6 days later I ran the 25k at the Fifth Third in Grand Rapids. During the week, my quads hurt so bad I couldn't even go out for a small run. So I decided that my thoughts were true and God was showing me what a total idiot I was for placing all my faith in myself and not in Him! Race day arrived and I was pumped...not sure if I would be able to run it under 3 hours but lined up just ahead of the 10 minute pacers who would finish at 2:36.
God is so incredibly awesome! I have only run the 25k(15.5 miles) 3 times. The first time I was totally exhausted at mile 11 and finished at 2:50. The 2nd time, I actually trained but still had to walk/run from exhaustion at mile 13 and finished at 2:34:26. The third time - this year - after running 26.2 miles 6 days earlier; I not only finished 5 seconds earlier at 2:34:21 but I didn't walk - I was never exhausted! I was so filled with the Holy Spirit through the whole run it was a religious experience! That time of 2:34:21 is God's time...not mine. He ran that race with me and it was the most fabulous thing I have ever done! It was like when Ethan went to heaven. My heart was bursting with joy on that run...I had no idea I was even running!!
Okay...so fast forward to yesterday when I picked up Saint Augustine's Confessions for the 4th time to read in the past 2 years. I start reading about when he was young - in his 20's I think - and a very close friend of his dies. He is in complete and total grief and sorrow. He explains how he felt like half his soul is missing because this friend filled up that half. He didn't want to be anywhere that reminded him of his friend because of the pain it caused him. The places that they frequented were not the same...Augustine was in total anguish. Then he says something profound. Note that his confessions were written when he was much older and wiser. He basically said the reason that his friend's death caused him so much pain was because he loved his friend more than God. He placed his love and trust in a human being who he knew would die, instead of in God who never dies.
WOW...what a statement. At first I couldn't believe what I was reading but then...how many times have I said, " I couldn't have gotten through that without Joe or friends or doctors or nurses " because they were right there helping me holding me. But guess what? GOD was right there helping me, holding me. AND if I believe the verse in Matthew 22:37 (Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind) doesn't that mean that I love God MORE than my husband, my friends, even my children? AND if I believe the verse in Hebrews 13: 5 & 6 (Never will I leave you or forsake you So we say with confidence: "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid, What can man do to me?" then I must confess that I do love the Lord more. Wow.

Good Friday

2011-04-22T22:06:00.000-04:00

I get asked a lot what is so "good" about Good Friday. Why do Christians "celebrate" the day Jesus died?
Well, let me tell you today was not a celebration. Our church has a Tre Ore (Three Hours' Agony)service from Noon to Three. It is seven 25 minute "services" focusing on the seven last words of Christ. Today, I cried probably 7 times during that service - mostly during music. Amazed at what Christ did for me...a horrible wretched sinner who can't even give up Facebook for 40 days without lamenting! Yet, Christ took on all of our sin, let people beat him beyond human recognition, nail him to a tree and then still asked his father to forgive us because we didn't know what we were doing.
So at 3 pm I was sorrowful, remorseful, and on the verge of grieving.
I had some time before the evening service and took a walk from our church. I anticipated walking to the Starbucks in the Amway Grand but it started raining as I was walking so I changed my route and I ended up at Crescent Park by Van Andel Institute, looking at Ethan's memorial brick. I just said "I love you buddy" and then walked up to hospital to get a coffee at the cafeteria. It was fitting to be there today as I remembered several walks in the back door with Ethan. This time I pushed 1 instead of 7 on the elevator button and when I walked into the cafeteria it was eerie still to go and get a cup of coffee without stopping to look at the chips, ice cream, and candy. I left having triumphed the trip without a tear drop.
Rehearsal for the evening service proved very moving and I cried a lot. I knew that the evening service would be difficult.
The tears started flowing at Michael W. Smith's Lord Have Mercy. How could anyone love me so much that they would go through all that so I can live eternally? How horrible for God to have to turn his back on his only son when he was in such extreme pain so that I could be with him? As the song states: What wondrous love is this, o my soul...
Tonight, we were allowed to walk up and nail our "sin" to a cross...I took a hammer and pounded a nail into the cross and then sat in my pew and sobbed. Jesus, name above all names, died on a cross for me, for you, for all.
After the sound of the stone being rolled in front of the tomb, we left the church in silence.
I have always been mournful on Good Friday but since Ethan died I have been more so. Because if Christ didn't do what he did, MY son would not be living eternally. I would not be filled with peace that passes all understanding because I know Ethan is joyfully dancing and singing in the heavens.
What's Good about Good Friday? My God....that's what's good!

Homesick

2011-03-16T22:29:00.000-04:00

Today was an Ethan day. I don't know why but for some reason he was on my mind all day. I didn't have to work today. We went to a Lollipops concert at 9:30 - Grand Rapids Symphony does a 45 minute show for young children - and then no school. For some reason I slept until 8:30 and then jumped out of bed to shower and get to the concert.
Thoughts of him raced through my mind. It started last week with an innocent post card from a driver's education company who got a list with Ethan as a potential student, and then a letter from our auto insurance making certain that we insure anyone in our household who is old enough to drive. He's not here, I said out loud. Then I whispered...he's not here.
So after the concert I came home and got some work done and then headed over to the mall to purchase a book. In the bookstore, I could hear Ethan prompting me and then when I was walking through the mall, I heard a mom calling to her child..."Ethan...come here..." I know; it's a pretty common name...but wow after the day I had had...
Then Bible study...the songs were The Old Rugged Cross and At The Cross... I prayed that I wouldn't cry. We got up to get our dinner and someone came over to tell me they had thought about Ethan at the Betty White show when a child with cancer was on the stage with her and hugging her.
Today, I wanted to be in Heaven. Today, I wanted to hug my youngest son. Today, I love my Savior and pray for His return so I can live as God intended...without sorrow, without anxiety, without pain.
I will patiently await my call home...today I was homesick.

Let Go

2011-03-05T15:46:00.001-05:00

I do a lot of thinking when I am running. Today was 10 miles so I had an hour and a half to think!
There's been a lot of grief and death near friends of mine lately. And they are sad and broken-hearted. They believe in God and know that eternal life is a reality. Yet they still mourn. What if we changed our paradigm? Think about when someone gets into the college of their dreams, or goes on a trip of a lifetime...are we sad and mournful or do we rejoice with them even though we will not be with them anymore? I think if we shifted our thoughts of death to winning the lottery or getting the chance of a lifetime instead of despair because we no longer have a physical being we might not be so tired all the time.
So then my thoughts shifted once again...Have you ever played the Trust Game? You know the one where you stand in front of some one and close your eyes and just fall backwards? It's really hard to do but once you let go and fall, it's amazing how good you feel when you are caught. God is like that...He wants us to let go and trust him. If we just have one iota of faith and let go of grief, anxiety, addiction, fear, etc. He will catch us and love us like we have never been loved before.
So...let go, be amazed, and be loved more than you can even imagine! It's an incredible indescribable thing and I encourage everyone to do it.....just....let.....go.......

God is so good!

2011-01-23T21:35:00.000-05:00

I hear this all time. Some one is blessed with a good job, great family, finances, a clear MRI, etc. Yes...in these instances God is so good! But does that mean He isn't good when someone's cancer returns? When someone dies? When someone is fired from a job? When someone's financial security is taken away? Is He absent during these times?
My response is NO!! God is good ALL THE TIME. Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS - Paul tells us in Philippians 4:4.
Yes, it's wonderful when we have good news but if we only rejoice when it is good news then we forget that ALL that God does He does because He loves us. He sees the whole picture...we see a piece.
I remember when Ethan was given 6 months to live. We were in the hospital and my sister-in-law came to visit. She was so sad and crying. I hugged her and for some reason "God is so Good" came out of my mouth. It was all that she needed to remind her that He is Good. Yes, we were about to lose a son, nephew, cousin, and friend, but we knew that Ethan was going to heaven; God granted us 5 1/2 years that He didn't have to grant; AND now I know that God is good ALL THE TIME! Not just in times when prayers are answered the way we want, but all the time.
I think Satan wants us to believe that God doesn't care about us when we are suffering. Satan wants us to think that the grief, despair, and loneliness is God leaving us alone...but I know it's not true. God is with us always...He will never forsake us or leave us...I think it's us who leave him when we despair; we don't trust Him and we believe all the lies Satan has to tell us about loneliness and despair.
May we always rejoice in the knowledge and comfort that God is for us....so WHO could be against us?

What's wrong with me?

2010-11-28T19:37:00.000-05:00

Have you ever just wanted to feel normal? Like you fit in with the rest of the crowd? Well, I don't fit in. For some reason beyond my comprehension, I do not grieve my son like others who grieve. I do not have a big whole in my heart, I do not feel sadness on each holiday because he is not here. I do not count how old he would have been on his birthday.
I only have total complete peace and joy about his life. I am so happy that he is with God. I am so thankful for all the people we met along the journey. I am thankful for people that we have met that have also experienced the death of a child.
I just feel out of place. I should be crying, I should be sad, I should be upset that I have to have Christmas without him. I'm not and I can't seem to conjure up those feelings.
I feel as though I am blessed to have that complete joy and peace but when the people I know who are grieving and sad it's hard for me to say that I understand their sadness, I can't because I don't have it.
I am so completely thankful for Ethan. For the life that God gave him, for all that Ethan gave us! What a joyous child and sometimes a complete pain in the butt! But he was my kid and I loved him wholly and completely just as my other children. So.... what's wrong with me?
Thank you God for this joy that I cannot explain. I pray it for others who are traveling down the road of life without a loved one.

Bethlehem

2010-11-17T21:20:00.000-05:00

How far is it to Bethlehem? Not very far. - words from a familiar Christmas song that is ringing in my ears lately.
I'm just having such a difficult time with life application in general. The idea of changing a paradox is intriguing to me. The paradigms that seem to be overflowing in our world is world peace and curing all kinds of cancer, disease, etc. So my very innocent question is this: Why are we fighting so hard to stay in a world we can hardly bear? People complain constantly about real things like disease, doctors, insurance, and then simple things like the weather. We can't stand our neighbors, the doctors did us wrong, our kids' teachers don't understand, the snowstorm, rainstorm, on and on and on. Then something tragic happens and we unite with these people that we couldn't deal with before, we realize that we can live together if we just put our differences aside, and we fight. We win or lose the fight and we go back to living the way it was before.
I love God. I want to serve Him in any way that He wants me to. I just keep coming back to the question of selfishness. When Ethan was sick, I would have done anything to keep him here...until the questions of blinding him or rendering him four times less intelligent than he was came into play. Then I started to question my own selfishness to keep this child with me when I knew that He could live eternally without any of this. Was I so determined to have this child by my side that I was willingly to sacrifice his quality of life? The answer for me was no. I knew/know that Jesus could offer him so much more than I ever could. Would it bring me pain? Yes. Would I regret my decision? No. How could I live with myself knowing I tortured my child for my benefit?
How far is it to Bethlehem? Not very far....we are so close to heaven, to home. We only need to serve others here who suffer, to love those that are not loved, and to pray for guidance when we are uncertain of the crazy life we live here. Home is certainly not on this earth as we are so fervently told to believe but IT IS with CHRIST in Heaven. This is just a vacation with horrid stories and good laughs that I can hardly wait to tell my Father about when I get home....funny thing...He already knows the stories!

Grand Rapids 1/2 Marathon

2010-10-17T15:38:00.001-04:00

I did it... today I ran the 1/2 marathon (13.1 miles) at 2:09:58 to my total surprise! Yes, I signed up for it back in August...along with a 5k(3.1 miles) and the Bridge run (10 miles)and figured signing up for them would get me training! Well, life got busy and it was really hard for me to run during the week. I usually got in one short run during the week and tried to get in longer ones on the weekends.
The bridge run was hard as I mentioned in my earlier post and when I finished I knew that I hadn't trained enough and I needed to do that for the 1/2 marathon only 4 weeks away! But life continued to be busy and running during the week was extremely difficult and again only got one or two short runs in and tried to do long on the weekends.
2 weeks ago, I decided to try to run 13.1 miles to see how off I was going to be. I only made it 12 and it took me 2 hours and 12 minutes to do it. I was exhausted at the end and I walked a lot!
I got two short runs in before today. This morning I got up, put on my Ethan running shirt - the E symbol on the front and "Give me half the strength of Ethan" on the back - excited and ready for whatever was going to happen. The Chamber Choir - I'm in it - sang O Canada and The Star Spangled Banner before the race - it was beautiful and so fun to do!!
Then off to the race... I hit 3 miles at 28 minutes - the best I'd run in a long time and I was feeling great! I hit 10 miles at 1 hour and 37 minutes - my bridge run time was 1:42?!! - then came mile 11 and mile 12...thought I was going to throw up...never had that happen to me before in a race..so I slowed to a walk trying to calm my stomach. Also at this time, some crazy song was playing on my mp3 player. I thought I had added Lady by Little River Band

which tells you to look around, look up here, take time to make time, make time to be there (a great uplifting song for me) but for some reason I didn't pay attention to the artist when I downloaded it and it was Lenny Kravitz Lady!

Not at all what I expected and it completely threw me off. So I'm walking, trying not to throw up and trying to figure out what this song was and why I had added it to my playlist....when a lady came up behind me and touched my shoulder and said "run for Ethan"...I told her Thank You and was thinking God bless you and started running again...not 2 seconds later the song "I'm Blue" by Eiffel 65 came on - it was one of Ethan's favorite songs!

I smiled, looked to the heavens and said thank you and ran on to the finish! Joe and Jared came and saw them about a tenth of a mile from the finish line. That helped me even more and I was able to sprint it in to the finish line! It was great to finish feeling so good.
God blesses us in ways we don't even think of and He is so awesome! It's a great day to be alive in Christ Jesus!

mp3 player

2010-09-23T22:34:00.002-04:00

Ethan's mp3 player is broken. It plays only if you hold it a certain way. Something is rattling around inside it which wasn't before. Now, I know that nowadays we go through electronics like water. It shouldn't be a big deal that his little Sansa Clip that cost me all of $40 3 years ago should be upsetting me. I will go and buy another Sansa Clip just because it's small and great for what I need. BUT it's not just the mp3 player...it's memories of him listening to it and sharing the earphones with anyone that would listen! Those memories are not leaving me either of course. So why sadness? I'm not down in the dumps depressed but I'm just upset that somehow I broke this piece of him and now I have to replace it with something he never had. Strange how the mind works. It's just a stupid mp3 player....
Somewhere in the bible it tells us that wherever our heart is, that is where our treasure will be. So I will be placing my heart in heaven with Christ and Ethan and not in some tiny mp3 player. My treasure is waiting for me to arrive and I can hardly wait for the day!

Bridge Run

2010-09-20T21:58:00.002-04:00

The Bridge Run started out as a mistake. It was June 2008. I had run a couple of 5k races and wanted to challenge myself a little more. I thought it was time to run a 10k. I looked around on the internet for races and found the Bridge Run in Grand Rapids in mid September. I signed up. When I received my confirmation email, it read something like this: Jennifer, Thank you for signing up for our 10 MILE race.... Did that say MILE? NO, I wanted 10k - you know 6 miles? It was too late. No refunds on race registration. I decided to train for a 10 mile run because I paid the money and I wasn't going to let it go to waste. So the training began. This was also the summer that we were told Ethan had 6 months to live. We were told in June. I don't remember if it was before or after I signed up for the race. I just knew that running would keep me sane and able to deal with helping Ethan deal with the fact that he was going to die. I trained hard for the race. I know Ethan was scared to die. I knew I couldn't stop it. I knew the only thing I could do was run. I ran for him. He was always amazed when I showed him how far I had run. I asked him if I could use his mp3 player to listen to while I ran. He, of course, agreed...so happy to help his mom finish what seemed to be an unattainable goal.
He went off to Camp Catch a Rainbow for a week and then to Camp Mak-a-Dream for a week. I trained. I prayed a lot when I ran for God to take away Ethan's fears, to let Ethan know that God was with him the whole way.
The first time I ran 9 1/2 miles was at Camp Bil-O-Wood. We went up to pick up the Jared and Erik from what would be Ethan's last time at camp. So many campers came up and talked to him, hugged him, told him they missed him. I ran from our motel out to camp and back. When we drove it, Ethan couldn't believe I ran that far. I told him I didn't think I could do it either but it felt great when I was done. That was the end of August.
The day of his celebration of life party - I ran 10 miles. I remember running the last 1/2 mile crying and saying "this is for you Ethan, it's all I can do for you." I knew the end was near for Ethan. Ethan knew it too. He said so many personal goodbyes that day...sometimes with just with a wink or a look.
Ethan died 2 days later. I ran the bridge run 12 days later...with Ethan's mp3 player, with Ethan's spirit.
I think life is training for a race. Some days its hard. Some days its easy. Then there's the day when you cross the finish line and the feeling is like no other. You can't believe you did it. I like to think that's how Ethan felt when he crossed the finish line into heaven. He did it! He trusted that God would be with him and all the promises made were completed and what total and utter joy he is living!

I just ran my 3rd bridge run. It was hard...I haven't really trained and it was hard. But I did it and I prayed a lot during the run. God never left me and even when I thought I couldn't go anymore, He was there telling me it was okay.

September

2010-09-03T09:56:00.003-04:00

Had someone told me that there would be a day in my life when I would cherish one month more than all the other months...I would have thought December - love Christmas...used to not allow myself to eat peppermint until December 1 so I could savor the taste of Christmas! Or maybe they were talking about August - my birthday month - the month when we are so happy to be a year older, people tell us how much they love us, we're showered with gifts...
No, the month is September. September is the month I love because my son died in September. I love to re live every day of his last days.
His 7th grade open house - he was so proud to be there, making sure I was introduced to all his teachers, saying hello to all his friends he hadn't seen all summer. His first day of school - up and ready to go at dawn - couldn't wait to get the year started...even though he knew he wouldn't make it the whole year. We all knew he wouldn't make it...but we didn't know it would only be a few days.
His last game of catch with his dad in the yard - he begged his dad to play one more game with him...even though they'd been playing for an hour. Did he know we would relish that moment?
His last Catholic Central Varsity Football game - the players made him honorary captain and he got to do the coin toss! He was so proud!! I missed this game but have been told by so many that Ethan was flying high that night!
Our last walk to McDonald's for an ice cream cone - he had a seizure on the way but wanted to continue. We held the hands the whole way there.... I can still feel his hand in mine, squeezing back, not ashamed to hold his mom's hand at the age of 12. I didn't get a cone, but he did and we walked back laughing about the idea that ice cream is so bad for you yet so good!
His Celebration of Life party - oh I wanted him to feel good for this and yet the tumors had already started taking his life. He woke up Saturday morning with a jump and took a shower so excited to get to the party. But it only took about 15 minutes for his head to start pounding and he just wanted to lie down. I only had one vicadin left...I knew he would need it for the party. So I went to get early to get everything set up. Joe called and said they tried to wake Ethan up but he just wanted to stay in bed. They coaxed him out and got him to the party. I met them in the parking lot. Ethan just wanted to lie down. I was crushed he didn't even notice the We Love You Ethan sign... but also knew he was fighting incredible pain. I told him I had his pain pill and he would be fine in a few minutes. He was. He was incredible for the rest of the day. He talked to people, laughed, sat for pictures - it was just a get gift he gave to everyone that day.
Our last night at home, my brother and his family came over after the party. Their kids usually slept upstairs in our kids' beds. Ethan stayed up with us and then at 10 said he wanted to go to sleep. He usually went to sleep in our bed and then we would move him after my brother left. This night, he wanted to sleep in his bed. My sister-in-law said that's fine, we'll just go home and Ethan got to sleep in his bed one last time. He came to our room about 3 am, just wanting to sleep with us. I was supposed to get up early to go to church, the choir was singing. Joe had already moved to sleep somewhere else and when the alarm went off I rolled over to hold Ethan, I noticed he was very warm and moaning in his sleep. When I tried to wake him, he just said it hurt really bad. I got up and called the doctor. We were to bring him into the hospital. Ethan didn't want to go. He just wanted to stay in our bed. Joe carried him to the car. I drove to ER. Joe stayed home with Erik. I knew when we were driving that it would be the last trip I made to the hospital with him. I knew when I checked him in that I wouldn't be doing that anymore. I wouldn't have to recite his full name and birth date. I knew because Ethan was asleep in a wheel chair not responding to anyone or anything. All previous trips to ER, he was checking himself in! I would just stand there and say that he was right!
One last CT scan - after giving him some pain meds, they took him for one last CT scan. He was able to scoot on the table and lay there. The results came too soon. The tumors had taken over his brain. I asked the doctor if we had hours, days...? She said something like that. She was new to the pediatric oncology team and that day was the first time I had met her. She hugged me and apologized. She talked about hospice. It was Sunday and we probably wouldn't be able to meet with the hospice team until Monday.
One last port poke - Ethan was still moaning and complaining of pain. Morphine was ordered. The ER nurse was trying to access Ethan's port and it wasn't drawing back. I just kept holding Ethan's hand, telling him she was almost done. He had reverted to my 4 year old little boy and kept saying: help me mommy, help me. I kept saying, I'm trying, Ethan. I finally told him I was helping. The nurse pushed the morphine and Ethan screamed that it burned. I just tried to hold him and watched the push. Kept telling him it was almost done as I was asking the nurse why it burned. She said sometimes it does that. The push was over. Ethan lay quietly on the bed, his heart rate normal, asleep. The morphine working in his body. The ER nurse hugged me and apologized. A dear friend from church was there and hugged me. I called Joe and told him we were being admitted...we had to make a decision about hospice. I called our dear nurse who had given me her phone number only days before. Ethan was going to die...there was no coming back from this one.
Our last admittance - We got the big room! I told Ethan - we got it buddy, we got the giant room you wanted but couldn't have before. I hope he knew. So many people came to visit. To say goodbyes to him. He was unconscious and non-responsive but people came.
Our last night together - Sunday evening about 8pm Joe, the boys, everyone said goodbye and left me and Ethan alone. We had decided not to do hospice because the time was going quickly. The pastor that baptized Ethan came up to visit. We talked a while and he blessed Ethan and sang him a beautiful lullaby. Our dear child life friend came up to visit about 10 and said her goodbyes to him. She encouraged me to sleep with Ethan so I would have that memory. I tried but he kept having seizures and it was just too difficult. I went to sleep on the cot begging God to wake me if He was going to take Ethan during the night. At 3 am, I heard Ethan say Mom?. I awoke with a start and went to him. He was cold and breathing was difficult. I buzzed the nurse. She said he was fine. His body was just shutting down. I asked if I should call Joe and she said some children take days of this, some take hours. I called Joe. He, Jared, and Erik arrived about 45 minutes later. We all said our goodbyes to Ethan. One at time. While one was talking to him the rest huddled by the door. When Jared was saying goodbye, I hugged Erik and apologized to him that his life was affected by all this. He responded that it was God's plan, right? He was so bitter and angry. I hugged him harder and told him that I didn't know why but yes, it was God's plan. After we all said our personal goodbyes, we just sat around and talked about Ethan. Joe and I took turns laying down with him. About 6 am, Jared and Erik asked if they could go home. I told them they needed to understand that when we called them it would probably be to say that Ethan had died. They needed to be okay with that. They decided they were.
Our Last Monday morning - a couple of friends come up, my brother and his wife too. We were just waiting for Ethan to take his last breath. Our dear P.A. came in and walked over to say her goodbyes. Her baby had died from SIDS in January. She told Ethan that there was a baby named Joey in heaven that needed to be taken care of. Ethan drew his last breath. I was across the room when I noticed he was turning blue. Joe and I rushed to him. We held his hands and told him it was okay to go. We were going to be fine. Jesus loved him so much more than we did. The doctor came in, his heart was still beating. We just kept rubbing his hands and continued to tell him it was okay to go. My mind was filled with praise music, my heart was bursting with joy - not sadness. I could see the heavens and I watched as my precious son went with Jesus. He was pronounced dead at 10:01.
Our first day without Ethan - the social worker came in, all of our doctors and nurses came in. We hugged, we cried, we talked about what a great kid he was! I called to arrange the funeral. We were filled with such peace. We walked out of the hospital about 1 that day. Without Ethan's body, but with his spirit. We started to learn to live without him physically. It would be the first day without him.
On Sept. 8 it will be two years since we said goodbye to our baby boy. It seems like it was yesterday. I see his pictures everyday, I hear his voice, I feel his hand in mine...everyday. Some days are emotional, some days are not. When the tears do come they are not tears of pain,but just a release for me. A tear to say I remember you, I love you and I can hardly wait to be with you again!
Ahhh...September. Who would have guessed you would mean so much to me?

Confession

2010-07-19T23:31:00.002-04:00

I admit it...I love Barbara Streisand and her movies. One in particular - Yentl - for some reason really touched my heart at the age of 18.
One of the songs she sang has a line that goes something like - "There are moments you remember all your life....these are one of those moments"

I remember Ethan throwing his whole body on my back as I was sitting in the living room at my brother's house two days before he died. I remember how unusual it was for him to do that. He was a front hugger but he literally covered my body with his and just hugged me...
I remember holding his hand as his heart beat its last beats. He had already stopped breathing and I was hearing praise songs in my head and rubbing his hand and telling him it was okay to go. Jesus loved him so much more than we did and that we were going to be okay. I remember telling him he did it! He fought the good fight and now was his prize.
I remember when he was about 3 years old and we were driving in the car and he was laughing and smiling and I asked him what was so funny and he just looked at me and said "Mom, I'm just so happy"

There are moments you remember all your life.....these are some of those moments.

Grades

2010-07-03T15:51:00.002-04:00

I got my grades for the last Master's class. I got an A. I was extremely nervous because of a project that didn't get graded until after the class ended.
This got me thinking...
Am I as nervous about the grade God is giving me? Am I at all concerned about my grade point average with Him? How many projects did I completely screw up? How many points did I get marked down for being absent?
Yes, God forgives, and in the end we all get A's. But what about the day to day living right now?
The syllabus is there - the bible. The rubric is written - the ten commandments. All I have to do is do it....

How?

2010-06-08T23:29:00.002-04:00

How is it I can't hear your voice? Or sense you walking into a room? Have I forgotten you completely?
No...my heart knows you best...memories of laughter,tears shed, and hugs felt. I loved you as only a parent can and yet...I'm starting to forget.
Oh, I forgot with your brothers too...but I can see them and listen to them. They live not only in my heart but in my life too.
I just want you to know that I'm trying to remember, trying to hold on, trying to never forget.
I KNOW I will see you again, oh, I long for the day...I love you, buddy.......always.

Thoughts

2010-05-16T20:16:00.002-04:00

It's Confirmation Sunday at church next week. Tonight I went and watched the confirmands give their profession of faith. It was wonderful to hear how God has worked in them and how deeply rooted their faith is. This is the year Ethan would have been confirmed. It was bittersweet to hear his friend say that having faith means you're not afraid to die that death doesn't mean it's over.
I've not had the feelings of this "would of have been" about Ethan until this last week. I'm not sure if Erik graduating is bringing it on or if I am just so overwhelmed that I am allowing those thoughts to occur. I don't like them, I don't like the pain associated with them and when they happen I pray that God take them away and I tell Satan to get behind me. It's so easy to be sucked in by grief, so easy to wallow in the pain and the suffering, so easy that Satan brings it every moment he can.

I know that Ethan's life was supposed to be exactly what it was and I know that I will see him again in heaven. There's no need for me to think about the would's or should's because in my mind, it happened the way it was supposed to.

"I will not boast in anything, no gifts, no power no wisdom. But I will boast in Jesus Christ, his death and resurrection." lyrics from "How Deep the Father's Love for Us" by Stuart Townsend.

There's the plan

2010-05-12T22:33:00.003-04:00

So today...I actually said something out loud that I have only ever thought about in the recesses of my mind. And when I said it out loud...the world didn't come to an end, I didn't cry, and I was at total peace. Wow... so does this mean I need to follow through or is it just that it's okay to say it aloud and think it...
I know - confusing.
It is for me too. I'm praying tons and trying to be still and listen.

almost there

2010-05-03T21:53:00.002-04:00

Well, I finished the Chamber Choir Concert, I finished the class and the marathon is just 4 short weeks away.
A new agenda has landed in my lap now...2 new classes that start Monday, Chamber Choir recording a Christmas CD on May 25 and in the midst of this, Erik is graduating high school on the 19th with an open house on the 23rd.
I can only close my eyes some-days and just live for that moment. To think ahead to the future is just so overwhelming! So I made it through this far and God will carry me to where he wants me go!
The 5/3 race is Saturday and I am looking forward to running that and hopefully raise some funds for We Do Care.

"The Lord is my portion," Says my soul, "Therefore, I have hope in Him." Lamentations 3:24

Ethan's Funraiser

2010-04-01T14:44:00.002-04:00

We have decided to start raising money for different organizations in honor of Ethan! We're calling them Funraisers!

The first one will be for We Do Care. A local organization that gives to children with cancer. They were very kind to Ethan and we just want to give back a little!

I've created an event on facebook - sorry if you are getting this twice - so just click on the link below and it should take you to it!

Ethan's Funraiser for We Do Care

Basically, I'm running the 25k at the Riverbank on May 8 and the Bayshore Marathon in Traverse City on May 29 in honor of Ethan. I'm asking for donations to We Do Care in his name. We're hopeful to give them $1000.00!

You can send checks or money orders to We Do Care 759 Hachmuth Drive Comstock Park, Michigan 49321. They are a non-profit organization.

We are doing well and are learning to live with Ethan's memory instead of him. Some days are better than others, but we know that he is doing the dance of joy with Jesus and we can hardly wait to see him again!

I'll leave you with a photo I found of him on his first day of school in 2006 - heading off to 5th grade! My sweet boy! How I love him!!

The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. Hebrews 11:1 MSG version

Chamber concert

2010-03-29T22:14:00.002-04:00

Chamber Choir concert was Sunday. It went really well and I thoroughly enjoyed singing in it. It is such a group of talented people that sometimes I think I'm not worthy to be in it!

So one thing down, two to go. My grad class finishes in about 3 weeks and the marathon is 9 weeks off. I just signed up for my summer grad classes - one meets on Mon. & Wed. from May til the end of June - 6 - 9:30pm...yikes!

There is rest coming with spring break! Once we make it to Easter Sunday afternoon...then I have a full week with nothing but running scheduled! Looking forward to spring cleaning and good will giving!

I can do this?

2010-01-14T22:07:00.002-05:00

My life has suddenly become...."aaaaaahhhhh" (can you hear me screaming and trying to hold on).

I have no idea what I was thinking when I planned this semester out:
Monday: 5:30am rise work til 3 tutor til 4 teach a parenting class from 6:30 - 8pm
Tuesday: 6:30 rise work til 3 Chamber choir 7:30 - 9:30pm
Wednesday: 5:30 rise work til 3 Master Class 6:00 - 8:50pm
Thursday:5:30 rise Bible Study 6:30 work til 3:00 tutor til 4:00 Church choir 7:00 -8:30
Friday: 6:30 rise work til 3 dinner and fun with family til 11pm
Saturday: rest, rest, rest Dinner with family and fun til 11pm
Sunday: 7:00 rise Church til 11:30am school at 3:00 til 4:00

Now you also have to add into this: grocery shopping, training for a marathon - long runs on Saturdays, the Masters class has a 20 hour out of classroom instruction requirement and 10 hours of assessment not to mention the writing involved. Some how find time to be loving and valuable to my family!

What was I thinking? I was thinking that Chamber choir is done at the end of March, the Masters class is done at the end of April and the Marathon is at the end of May. You can do this...

skunks and cancer

2010-01-06T22:39:00.002-05:00

I went to Gilda's grief group tonight...I haven't been in ages but I knew I needed to be with people who would readily talk about "dead kids". You might think this group is all about crying and sadness but it is not. We truly laugh about some things and we share deep dark emotions that people who have not had a child die would understand. We are all at different stages of grief and we all experience grief differently but we do indeed grieve.
Tonight the discussion centered around "the elephant in the room" phenomenon that happens at holiday gatherings or any gathering for people who have experienced a death in the family. It reminded me of a time when our beloved dog - not so beloved when this happened - was sprayed by a skunk at 6:30 in the morning before a school day. Jared was in high school, Erik in Junior High and Ethan elementary and fighting cancer. When the dog came inside from his morning constitutional it was all too apparent that he was sprayed. We tried desperately to leave the house quickly so as to assume the stench. Alas, it was not to be so. All three children reported at the end of the day how horrible it was to be at school - Erik actually was taken to the office and given a "loaner uniform" in hopes of reducing the stench. Jared reported it was his worst day ever! I actually had children at school look at me funny but not say a word even though they knew it was me that was stinking the place up! Ethan and I had an appointment at Mary Free Bed to review his physical agility from Chemotherapy afterschool that same day. When we arrived, you could tell everyone knew we smelled but nobody said a word. It wasn't until our doctor came in and acknowleged that she too had experienced a dog being sprayed by a skunk that someone sympathized with our situtation.
Cancer and now death of a loved one is a lot like that. People around us know what we are going through but they don't want to talk about it for fear of embarrasing us or saying what is obviously true.
As one who has experienced cancer, death of a loved one, and being sprayed by a skunk - 3 times- I am hear to tell you. We want to talk about it, to share our misery, our joy, our laughter over the situation. To know that you love us enough to say - do you know you stink?

2010

2009-12-31T11:39:00.002-05:00

Wow! A new year....what we expect to happen in 2010:

Erik graduating from high school
Erik starting college
Jared returning to College
me completing my Master's in Reading - finally
Joe gaining full time employment
My school gaining full (at least 30) enrollment
Joe and I celebrating 25 years of marriage
me finishing my first marathon
organizing the first annual fundraiser in Ethan's memory for Child Life at Helen DeVos Children's Hospital

As we all know there's the plan and then there's what really happens! I'm also hoping to rely more fully God, to ask for His will to be done everyday in my life - not mine!

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:3-6

Sounds of Christmas

2009-11-23T22:43:00.002-05:00

Wow! Just finished the last Chamber Choir rehearsal before the concert and it was fabulous! There are a few songs I need to work on before Saturday night but WOW...it will be wonderful!

Ethan's birthday came and went. We didn't really do anything as a family because it was so busy that day. We all talked about him and loved him through out last week. At church on Sunday, I was asked to sing "I can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. After a lot of tweaking, we were able to get it so it sounded good! Sunday Pastor let us know that we would know it would be time to sing when a picture of Jesus was flashed up. The picture he chose to flash up was the same picture we used on Ethan's memorial cards at his funeral. The only thing I thought was ... you can't think about this right now! You have to sing! So I did and I guess did pretty well because I received several compliments afterwards! The Glory goes all to God who gave me the gift of a singing voice! Thank you to a great voice teacher who helped hone it!

If you get a chance, the Chamber Choir Concert is this weekend. Saturday at 7:30pm and Sunday at 3pm at St. Adalbert's on 4th and Davis in Grand Rapids. Tickets are sold at the door - $20 general, $18 Seniors and $10 Students. There is a $2.00 coupon in The Grand Rapids Press on Thanksgiving day.

Done with my sales pitch! Happy Thanksgiving! I'm so thankful for my Lord and Saviour! Without Him, I would not exist.

Chamber Choir II

2009-11-10T23:21:00.002-05:00

Okay...so Diva got the solo....Now I can't but wonder if I had fought my nerves, would it have been different. Especially after our rehearsal tonight...very difficult to harmonize with such a wide vibrato!

Ethan's birthday continues to fill my mind. I can't help but wonder (analyze) if it has do with Erik's last year with us also. Am I feeling these feelings because in a short 6 months, we will be empty nesters? Or am I just beginning to feel the loss of my child. I know that He (God) is with me and that Ethan is with Him - how much more could a mother ask for?

I just know I miss him and the holidays...Christmas and Easter are especially difficult. But we must rejoice. Rejoice Always for Everything! A difficult but challenging thing to do!

Blessings and JOY!!!

Chamber Choir

2009-11-03T23:01:00.002-05:00

Okay...solo try outs tonight...did make the (What do you call a group of twelve?) for the Ave Maria! Yeah....so wanted to try out for the Mary Had a Baby...but Diva went first and scared me to death! I am now kicking myself for not trying...oh well...life goes on!
Busy, busy week...2 nights this week leaving at 6:20AM and not returning until 10PM...do you think God could somehow figure out how to give an extra 8 hours so I - and several others I know - can sleep every night?!!
Even though we've already made it through a year...it seems even harder the 2nd time around without Ethan. His birthday is the 19th and I just can't seem to shake memories of him and the day and everything. As a crazy analytical person...wondering why? I made it fine the first time... Praying lots and crying lots...of course not a lot of time to do the latter because of an extremely busy schedule...the car drive to school and from school seems to be the most common!
And of course, life goes on otherwise! Erik got into a major fender bender with MY car on Halloween! I now have a rental car and hope to have my car back next week after we pay a $500.00 deductible and $170.00 ticket! As I said...life goes on!
But as always, we must rejoice always...Rejoice in the Lord always, Rejoice, I say Rejoice!
So...blessings and JOY to all!

Half Marathon

2009-10-18T12:40:00.003-04:00

13.1 in 2:10....
Running is a spiritual experience - some would say religious but religious brings to mind institutions and that is not what I experienced today!
Today at mile 3 I was thanking God for being with me on this run...begging him to heal my knee or at least give me the strength to finish the race. Several times during the race, music I had placed on my mp3 gave me the strength to go another mile. I actually listened to Beethoven's 9th that the Chamber Choir sang in Muskegon! At one point I sang out Ver Gott! On a A while running a 9 minute mile! Quite a few heads turned...let me tell you! But I was so caught up in the music I couldn't not sing it!
Later - Lady came on. "Look around you, look up here, take time to make time, make time to be there!" Thank you God for that!
I thought of Ethan, Joe's mom, Jerry - best friend from high school that died in a car accident when I was 16- all them with God...Rejoicing in the heavens...
Hey...I can't believe I'm at mile 10 already! That's what happens when you run long distances. Your mind goes off and then you realize your still running!
Oh, I had lots of knee pain after the hills on Butterworth but once we made it back to town, I knew I would be okay! As I was running the last mile...Lean on Me came on...started singing out loud again - I'm sure people thought I was completely nuts - but several people who were walking started running again. Who knows if it was the song or just time for them to get running but it was cool.
2/10 of a mile to go..."Let's Get Ready to RUUUUUUUUMBLE!!!!" Great song to finish a race to!
Running the race of life...can't wait to cross the finish line into heaven!

39 hours and counting

2009-10-16T17:57:00.002-04:00

The 1/2 marathon is Sunday morning. 8 AM. I am feeling nervous about not being able to finish because of injury and what will I do if I really do injure myself?
Then I tell myself I ran the 25k in May with only 10 miles under my belt...I can run 13.1. I just want this race to be done and my body back to the healing process!
I do love what running has done for my weight and shape and am not looking forward to the long winter without it.
I'm still debating if I should run the 25k again in May or just stick to 5k's. Also in the very recesses of my mind is the mantra: run a marathon...just one. But if I pay attention to the mantra I realize how utterly ridiculous that would be .... or not?
Praying God will provide an incredible run for me on Sunday - hopeful for 2:15 that's a little over a a 10 minute mile.

Better?

2009-10-04T22:46:00.002-04:00

Okay...so this week was better...not so hectic.
Running is not going as planned! I had hoped to run the half-marathon course on Saturday. Ended up sleeping until 9AM...ate, laid around...finally got going at noon. Got out of my car at the Y and ...rain! Lovely! So I ran...thanks to the ArtPrize people who cheered me on - I made it to about mile 5 before my knee starting hurting - have had knee issues since Tuesday - thought maybe I could push it but decided I'd like to run in two weeks so walked/ran back to my car.
Today I went to Gazelle Sports and spent more money on a pair of shoes and inserts than I did on my groceries for the whole week! I'll try running again on Tuesday.
The race is Oct. 18...so I have some time but I really wanted to have 13 miles "under my belt" so I knew I could do it. The farthest I've run is 11. That will have to do unless I want to try for 12 on Saturday!
Oh, to have such trivial problems! Thank you, God, for your blessings!

Life in full swing

2009-09-27T16:05:00.002-04:00

Wow! It has been an incredibly busy week! Today, Sunday, is a day that I am relishing in because I have nothing planned!!
An overview of the previous 7 days:
Sunday: Bridge Run at 8AM ran my best time 1:34:32
Worked in my classroom
Monday: Arrive at work at 6:30AM only able to drink liquids because of colonoscopy on Tues.
3pm - take 4 laxatives. 5pm - start drinking 8oz of miralax every 30 minutes until 64oz.
is drunk. 8pm - don't leave bathroom until midnight.
Tuesday: Arrive at work at 7:15AM leave at noon. Travel all over Grand Rapids for 2 hours hunting down books for bible study - only find 5 of needed 8.
Arrive at dr.'s office for colonoscopy at 2:15pm. Arrive home at 4:00pm sleep until 6:30 get up and eat and lay around. Bed at 10:30
Wednesday: Arrive at breakfast with friends at 6:30AM Work Arrive home at 3:15pm. Fix broken toilet handle and valve. Eat some protein and an apple and leave for GVSU class at 5:40pm. Return home at 9:15pm. Bed at 11.
Thursday: Arrive at Bible Study at 6:30AM. Work. Home at 3:15. Cook Dinner. Leave for Chamber Choir rehearsal in Muskegon at 4:45pm. Return home at 10:30pm. Bed.
Friday: Arrive at school for field trip at 8:30AM Get home from field trip at 11:30. Cook meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and green beans for Jared and roommates - deliver food at 2pm. Leave for Chamber Choir performance at 6:15pm return home at 11:45pm. Bed.
Saturday: Arrive at Church for Praise singers rehearsal at 10AM leave at 11:30AM REST for a few hours. Leave for Chamber Choir performance at 6:15pm return home at 11:45pm. Bed.
Sunday (Today) Arrive at Church at 8:15AM Sing with Praise Singers, teach Sunday School, arrive home at 11:30AM. REST....REST....REST!
I truly look forward to a week that is not quite so busy and where I can actually cook more than one meal for my family!

Cancer

2009-08-03T22:54:00.002-04:00

On face book there are several groups that you can join about cancer. Two of them I was invited to the last few days....Cancer Sucks and I Hate Cancer.
These titles started an internal struggle. Without cancer, we would not have met the most caring physicians, nurses, aids, child life specialists, maids, food service people..etc. Without cancer, we would have never known the incredible generosity of our friends, family, and complete strangers. With cancer, our faith has grown tremendously, beyond what I believed my faith could ever be. With cancer, I learned to live every day for the wonderful blessing that it is and be thankful for what I have that moment, that day. With cancer, I learned how to rely on God for strength and wisdom every moment of my life. With cancer, I watched my son go into the arms of Jesus. I was allowed to see the very edge of heaven.
For these reasons I cannot hate cancer. I cannot begin to say that it sucks. Cancer showed our family how to live. Cancer showed me God.

"Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell." Matthew 10:28

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

Tonopah Nevada

2009-07-15T14:27:00.002-04:00

That's right, I'm in Tonopah visiting my sister for a week!
It's a quaint little town 4 hours north of LasVegas. When I landed in Las Vegas it was 102 at 10pm. Not a town I would live in!!
Tonopah, however, has weather I can live with - 50's during the night and 9o's during the day! My sister and I toured the Silver Mine Park. Tonopah was a booming metropolis of 7000 people with 50 saloons in the 1930's due to the silver some man discovered in the 1900's. It's now a town of 2800...not sure how many saloons!
It's been great fun so far and I'm looking forward to visiting Virgina City with her this weekend. I guess that's where they filmed Bonanza!

In other parts of my life - I am deeply grieving with a family whose young son has leukemia and her mom just passed away from brain cancer. Once you have been affected by cancer, a whole other world opens up to you. Not necessarily one you want opened.I pray daily for families, doctors, nurses, patients, the list goes on. Prayer is powerful but sometimes you feel helpless when that is all you can do.

We watched "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas" last night...we had both heard good things about it not knowing how it ended. Quite a sad one...but a lesson to be learned in humanity.

Camp Mak-A-Dream is going on right now in Montana. Ethan went to that camp for 3 summers. Loved it! And they loved him. We sent some ashes out there to be spread too. Just missing my boy...

Thoroughly enjoyed my retreat to St. Lazare's and love being focused on Christ for 2 days. It's such an incredible experience when you walk so closely with Him. It's really hard to leave St. Lazare's for me because I know no matter how hard I try...I will lose that closeness when I get back to the "real world".

Reeds Lake Run

2009-06-27T16:30:00.002-04:00

I ran the 10K in the Reeds Lake Run today. Thanked God this morning for cool air...but then for some strange reason the organizers of the run had the 10kers running at 8:45AM and the 5kers at 8!!
So by the time 8:45 rolled around it was already 75 and hot!! The run around the lake was pretty much in the shade but the last 2 or 3 miles were obnoxious. I did dump water over my head whenever there was a water station and ran through every sprinkler that was going but it wasn't enough!
I really wanted to finish it in 58 minutes....1:02:50...bummer. Oh, well...at least I finished and I didn't keel over at the end!
The next race isn't until September now....10 MILES - the Bridge Run. Ran it last year and finished in 1:40, I think. I'm hopeful to shave a minute or two off the time...we'll see.

I saw lots of pink shirts for Milan. Milan is a little girl that died of brain cancer and they formed this group that raises money for pediatric brain tumor research. There were probably 20 to 30 people running today. I wore my E shirt - a tank top today - but have been thinking about trying to raise money either for Child Life at Helen DeVos or brain research. We already have the memorial fund set up at the hospital so that would be easy. What kind of fundraiser is the next question and how does one go about starting it all!

Food for thought.

Summer

2009-06-17T17:52:00.002-04:00

Summer has arrived! I am enjoying my days off while reading on the deck, playing with new recipes, lingering over memories of last summer, and just loving not having any responsibility!

This Sunday marks the first time in 7 years I won't be driving Ethan down to Camp Catch a Rainbow. It's a camp for kids with cancer outside of Jackson, MI. Ethan loved it and if you remember last year, we were in-patient with meningitis and tumor growth. Ethan was up on Sunday morning with his camp shirt on waiting for the docs to give the go ahead for camp! They did...God bless them! He had a couple of rough days before the pain meds were evened out but he came home with that glorious smile and content!

We got the news a couple of days before camp that he would have less than 6 months with us. His time for fighting was over. It was a difficult thing to hear but we knew in our hearts that God's ultimate plan was about to be unfolded before us.

So I am enjoying all the memories of last summer....the total joy we felt - not sadness - of spending time with our boy!

This Sunday some of Ethan's ashes will be at Camp Catch a Rainbow with a special friend of ours who plans to spread them on Stony Lake early in the morning. They used to fish early in the morning on that lake.

Even though tears are streaming down my face as I post this...I know that Ethan is in such a wonderful place...that he lived the life God intended him to live to the fullest. On Sept. 8 I'm pretty sure he ran into Jesus' arms with that incredible smile of his!

Thank you God for your gracious love and mercy... give my boy a hug a kiss for me!

Thoughts

2009-02-28T10:49:00.003-05:00

It's been a while since I posted. I am finding it difficult to write to this blog. It was much easier to post to carepages because I felt I had a purpose in getting the information about Ethan to all the people that were supporting us with prayer.
This is different. This blog is just me going on about life in general. The purpose seems to be selfish.
So I'm trying to make it unselfish in my mind!
Next Saturday, Joe and I and several friends will be doing a fundraiser for Gilda's club. It should be fun but I also know deep in the recesses of my heart that it will be heart wrenching too. Some days it is just too hard to look into people's eyes that have known Ethan. I see their sorrow and pain and know there is nothing I can do to relieve it. That's what hurts the most. I know Ethan is dancing in the heavens but I miss him especially when I'm with others who miss him too.
I'm trying to adjust to the quietness of the house, no hospital visits, no special outings, no school events, no sitting in carpool. I think for the most part I have adjusted. I keep reminding myself that just like everything else on this life journey, this is a new normal and God is with me here with Ethan standing beside him.
During this lenten season, I feel even closer to God. For God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten son. When you lose a child, you get just a hint of this love. I told Ethan just before he died that Jesus loved him so much more than I did and that heaven was waiting for him. Gramma, Aunt KD, and friends he had known that died were all there too.
I often picture Ethan playing football, soccer, baseball, you name it and I hear him telling me how wonderful it is there and that I was right.
Some days I want to be with him and I ask God how much longer before we're together again. The response is always the same: I'm not done with you yet.
So I continue on, praying for peace and strength to do God's will knowing that when it is my time; my son will be waiting to show me the awesomeness of God.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T15:24:00.005-05:00

We have had a wonderful Christmas season! We - especially me - enjoyed tons of snow! The picture of our deck was taken the Friday before Christmas by Christmas Eve the snow was up to bottom rail!

Christmas Eve service at our church was incredible. Jared spent the night at our house on Christmas Eve and Joe and I had to wake the boys up at 7:30 Christmas morning to open presents!Joe's brother's family came over for Christmas dinner. We all had a wonderful meal and great day just hanging out and playing games.

On December 28, 2008, Joe was baptized at Immanuel Lutheran! It was a great baptism officiated by Pastor Otto - the same pastor that baptized Erik and Ethan and also officiated Ethan's funeral. It was a great day! Joe's sponsors held a brunch at their house in Joe's honor. We all had a wonderful time!

New Year's Eve was spent at my brother's house with friends and family. Lots of food, Rock Band, and we didn't leave until 2 AM!! It's been a long time since we stayed up so late! Jared and Erik spent New Year's in Harbor Springs with friends so for the first time in a long time, Joe and I have the house completely to ourselves for a few days! Empty nesting preview...we're already thinking what in the world do we do before we had kids?! And what do we do now?

So here we are in 2009...I don't think much will change in our day to day lives - besides having no clinic visits, mri's, etc. We will still continue to thank God everyday for all that we have. We look forward to what God has in store for us and wish peace and blessings on all of you.

2008-12-21T10:57:00.001-05:00

The Sunday before Christmas....hard to believe!
We have been enjoying some incredible snow fall - perhaps enjoying is not the right word for everyone at our house - I'm enjoying it!
The Christmas Season has been good so far. Not a lot of sadness...but such incredible joy bursting forth because of the birth of a Savior!
Our choir sang at church today and I can't tell you the joy that just seems to emanate from my heart when we are singing - Every Valley will be exalted; and every mountain made low - plus all the great hymns that are sung at this time of year...it's hard not to be joyful!

I'm on vacation now and have a list of things to get done over the next two weeks - mostly de-cluttering! We plan to spend Christmas at our house this year with Joe's brother's family coming and then spend New Year's with my brother's family.

May God Bless all of you this season with an open and joyful heart!

Snow Day

2008-12-01T08:46:00.002-05:00

Ahh...the joys of being a teacher! You still get to have that childish feeling of a snow day!! Erik was little jealous that he did have school today and I didn't.
Our weekend was wonderful. We had a great time with family - 15 of us in a small 3 bedroom, one bath house! It was great!
We did not make the trip over to Canada on Friday as planned. The weather was too iffy and we just didn't want to risk it. So we will make the trip in the spring.
The Christmas decorations will come out today and we will begin our advent season. It's always been such a beautiful and emotional holiday for me. I get so caught up in the unconditional love that God has for us. That he would create his own son to save us from ourselves - incredible. I don't think I've made it through a christmas eve service without at least one tear of joy.
I'm off to shovel snow and decorate!

Thanksgiving

2008-11-25T18:12:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow morning we journey up to the Soo to enjoy family at my niece's house! We are so looking forward to spending time together with everyone again.
On Friday, we plan to drive to Camp Bil-O-Wood to spread Ethan's ashes over the lake. It will be bittersweet.
We know that Ethan is not in those ashes but the thoughts are there that again we will be saying goodbye or at least see you soon. Thoughts of him have flooded my mind lately - we had a lovely snow that was perfect for snowmen and I remembered how he begged to make them everytime it snowed. Pumpkin pie was his favorite - he asked for it year round - and when I helped the kids at school make them it was bittersweet. I just took the Chex Mix out of the oven - Ethan always wanted to help make it and eat it! Good memories...lovely thoughts....parting IS such sweet sorrow.
I often think that Ethan is having the time of his life in heaven - enjoying it with as much gusto as he did life on Earth. We are so happy for his gain but sometimes are sad for our loss. I can only imagine the love that we will feel when we enter heaven will make the sadness seem so small and insignificant - a drop of water compared to the ocean!

We are thankful for life, for home, family, food, health, happiness, and joy this season. Even without Ethan here, we are so blessed. We are blessed that he is no longer suffering, that we no longer await the MRI's and doctor's appointments with anxiety and dread, that he is transformed and living with the Holy One - waiting for us to come! Praise God for that!

Birthday thoughts

2008-11-19T21:27:00.001-05:00

Instead of repeating...just visit Ethan's care page www.carepages.com/carepages/ethanmcgraw

Forgiveness

2008-11-10T21:45:00.002-05:00

Joe and I spoke at a church on Sunday about our faith life through out Ethan's cancer journey. It was emotional but also good to tell other's about the incredible love of Christ. Several people came up to us afterwards and asked for prayers for their journey. It was a neat experience.

Saturday, however, was a little tougher for me. Joe told me that he and the boys were going to get tattoos in memory of Ethan, even though I had voiced my very negative opinion on tattoos. I was extremely hurt and angry that my opinion meant nothing to them. I later learned that all of his family knew all about it and had "covered" for him. I really felt betrayed and lied to.
After praying for guidance, I was reminded that pride is a sin and that mostly that was what was hurting - my pride. So after 3 days of being upset and trying to figure out how to even look at the tattoos without feeling that betrayal and truly honoring the meaning behind them. I have been given the gift of forgiveness. I don't like how the anger and resentment feels. So I'm forgiving them and will try so hard to look at the tattoos as memorials to Ethan even though they are huge and not at all what I would consider a memorial. Every one grieves in their own way and I need to respect that.

"Turn to me and have mercy on me, as you always do to those who love your name. Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me. Redeem me from the oppression of men, that I may obey your precepts. Make your face shine upon your servant and teach me your decrees." Psalm 119: 132-135

All Saints Day

2008-11-02T11:44:00.003-05:00

Halloween was not as bad as I had anticipated. We had about 100 little trick or treaters (some older ones too!) come to our house and it was was fun to see them all dressed up and anxious for candy!
I spent the weekend reading the care page entries from day one to present. It gave me such incredible comfort. I feel much better today!

We celebrated All Saints Day at church today. On this day, we honor and remember all the saints that have gone on before us to heaven. Our church names all the people in the past year and the church bell is rung after each name is announced. Then during the hymn "All the Saints", members of the congregation can go up and place a carnation on the altar in memory of loved ones. I have always gone up for a friend that died in high school, my gramma, my grampa, my sister-in-law, my mother-in-law, and this year added Ethan. It was a teary eyed occasion but also a blessing to know that he is a saint now. Joe had a very difficult time today because he doesn't regularly attend our church and I forgot to tell him what was going to happen. He did feel the love of the family and church members around him though and I think that helped.
On a positive note, Joe is attending on a regular basis now! Praise God!

The sermon was on heaven and it was very comforting to hear that we will all be together again. I'm in search of a book called "90 minutes in Heaven". Our pastor mentioned it during the sermon - it's about a man who was in a car accident and actually spent 90 minutes of Earthly time with God in Heaven before he was brought back to life and he describes his time there.

I'm also going to read Revelations. I'm going to pray for discernment to not get caught up in the imagery and just ask to see the big picture. I'll let you know how it goes!

One holiday down...several to go. With the love and comfort of God we shall persevere. Ethan's birthday is Nov. 19.

Peace and blessings to all.

Gilda's

2008-10-29T20:17:00.000-04:00

Tonight I attended my first Parent Grief group at Gilda's. It meets on Wednesdays, obviously. Anyway, we usually go on Thursday nights to the Pediatric Oncology Parent Group. Ethan would attend the Tween group.

The major difference in the groups, besides the obvious, is that not all the deaths are from cancer. It was interesting to hear different stories and hear how people are at different stages in their grieving. I left feeling extremely blessed that we had time with Ethan, that we were present at his passing, and that we have completely accepted his death. I will go again but I'm not sure for how long.

Halloween is going to be difficult. I found myself thinking today that I don't have to carve a pumpkin for the first time in 21 years! It's good and bad. Joe and I would take turns taking the kids trick or treating each year. Ethan usually picked who he wanted to go at the last minute and the other one stayed home. Last year, he went with a friend.

I'm mystified by my emotions lately though - I know, it's grief - one minute I'm fine and the next minute I'm stuck in some memory. I still feel completely at peace with Ethan's death, I just seem to be going down memory lane A LOT!

One of my favorite pictures of him is the Halloween we were in isolation at the hospital and Ethan wanted to be the Incredible Hulk. I took a picture of him on Halloween night in his hospital bed, all dressed up for trick or treating! Because we were in isolation, we left his jack-o-lantern bucket by the door and people dropped treats in it as they went by. We also carved a foamboard pumpkin - can't have real ones when you're in isolation - it's sitting on our porch this year but that year we set it outside our hospital door with a flashing light inside so that "everyone will know it's Halloween" (Ethan's 7 year old words).

So this year we begin our new normal of Halloween without young children living with us. It's okay. We knew one day it was going to happen, we just didn't think "one day" was so soon. Another lesson for us to learn that we do not control our lives, we should plan for one day but not expect it to come. We should rely on God for everything and give him thanks for all - even the tough things. He took an incredibly difficult time in our lives and turned it into the most precious time. For that and many other things, we give thanks and praise.

2008-10-26T17:23:00.000-04:00

Yesterday for some reason was a tough day. Not the pit in your stomach, I can't get out of bed day. But I just couldn't get Ethan's last day out of my mind. I know it had a lot to do with taking my annual CPR class and hearing about the warning signs of the end of life. In a heartbeat, I was back in the hospital room, hearing Ethan's shallow breathing, looking at his unseeing eyes, holding his hand, and telling him quietly and gently that Jesus loved him so much more than I did and it was okay to go to Him. That Ethan C. and Ethan M. and Gramma and so many others were waiting for him. That we would be okay...it was time to think about Ethan and not about us.
I remember lying with him and smelling his hair, trying to imprint it on my mind. I remember Jesus holding both of us. Most of all I remember the incredulous joy when Ethan breathed his last breath. I felt I was going to burst, the room was spinning, I was so happy. My son was going to heaven. What more could I ask for!
Now today I am reminded of that joy and that my life needs to be dedicated to God...I need to continue to live as if each day is my last. I need to be joyful - and I am - for the most part.

"O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens. From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger." Psalm 8:1 & 2