2010

Wow! A new year....what we expect to happen in 2010:

• Erik graduating from high school
• Erik starting college
• Jared returning to College
• me completing my Master's in Reading - finally
• Joe gaining full time employment
• My school gaining full (at least 30) enrollment
• Joe and I celebrating 25 years of marriage
• me finishing my first marathon
• organizing the first annual fundraiser in Ethan's memory for Child Life at Helen DeVos Children's Hospital
  

As we all know there's the plan and then there's what really happens! I'm also hoping to rely more fully God, to ask for His will to be done everyday in my life - not mine!

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:3-6

Sounds of Christmas

Wow! Just finished the last Chamber Choir rehearsal before the concert and it was fabulous! There are a few songs I need to work on before Saturday night but WOW...it will be wonderful!

Ethan's birthday came and went. We didn't really do anything as a family because it was so busy that day. We all talked about him and loved him through out last week. At church on Sunday, I was asked to sing "I can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. After a lot of tweaking, we were able to get it so it sounded good! Sunday Pastor let us know that we would know it would be time to sing when a picture of Jesus was flashed up. The picture he chose to flash up was the same picture we used on Ethan's memorial cards at his funeral. The only thing I thought was ... you can't think about this right now! You have to sing! So I did and I guess did pretty well because I received several compliments afterwards! The Glory goes all to God who gave me the gift of a singing voice! Thank you to a great voice teacher who helped hone it!

If you get a chance, the Chamber Choir Concert is this weekend. Saturday at 7:30pm and Sunday at 3pm at St. Adalbert's on 4th and Davis in Grand Rapids. Tickets are sold at the door - $20 general, $18 Seniors and $10 Students. There is a $2.00 coupon in The Grand Rapids Press on Thanksgiving day.

Done with my sales pitch! Happy Thanksgiving! I'm so thankful for my Lord and Saviour! Without Him, I would not exist.

Chamber Choir II

Okay...so Diva got the solo....Now I can't but wonder if I had fought my nerves, would it have been different. Especially after our rehearsal tonight...very difficult to harmonize with such a wide vibrato!

Ethan's birthday continues to fill my mind. I can't help but wonder (analyze) if it has do with Erik's last year with us also. Am I feeling these feelings because in a short 6 months, we will be empty nesters? Or am I just beginning to feel the loss of my child. I know that He (God) is with me and that Ethan is with Him - how much more could a mother ask for?

I just know I miss him and the holidays...Christmas and Easter are especially difficult. But we must rejoice. Rejoice Always for Everything! A difficult but challenging thing to do!

Blessings and JOY!!!

Chamber Choir

Okay...solo try outs tonight...did make the (What do you call a group of twelve?) for the Ave Maria! Yeah....so wanted to try out for the Mary Had a Baby...but Diva went first and scared me to death! I am now kicking myself for not trying...oh well...life goes on!
Busy, busy week...2 nights this week leaving at 6:20AM and not returning until 10PM...do you think God could somehow figure out how to give an extra 8 hours so I - and several others I know - can sleep every night?!!
Even though we've already made it through a year...it seems even harder the 2nd time around without Ethan. His birthday is the 19th and I just can't seem to shake memories of him and the day and everything. As a crazy analytical person...wondering why? I made it fine the first time... Praying lots and crying lots...of course not a lot of time to do the latter because of an extremely busy schedule...the car drive to school and from school seems to be the most common!
And of course, life goes on otherwise! Erik got into a major fender bender with MY car on Halloween! I now have a rental car and hope to have my car back next week after we pay a $500.00 deductible and $170.00 ticket! As I said...life goes on!
But as always, we must rejoice always...Rejoice in the Lord always, Rejoice, I say Rejoice!
So...blessings and JOY to all!

Half Marathon

13.1 in 2:10....
Running is a spiritual experience - some would say religious but religious brings to mind institutions and that is not what I experienced today!
Today at mile 3 I was thanking God for being with me on this run...begging him to heal my knee or at least give me the strength to finish the race. Several times during the race, music I had placed on my mp3 gave me the strength to go another mile. I actually listened to Beethoven's 9th that the Chamber Choir sang in Muskegon! At one point I sang out Ver Gott! On a A while running a 9 minute mile! Quite a few heads turned...let me tell you! But I was so caught up in the music I couldn't not sing it!
Later - Lady came on. "Look around you, look up here, take time to make time, make time to be there!" Thank you God for that!
I thought of Ethan, Joe's mom, Jerry - best friend from high school that died in a car accident when I was 16- all them with God...Rejoicing in the heavens...
Hey...I can't believe I'm at mile 10 already! That's what happens when you run long distances. Your mind goes off and then you realize your still running!
Oh, I had lots of knee pain after the hills on Butterworth but once we made it back to town, I knew I would be okay! As I was running the last mile...Lean on Me came on...started singing out loud again - I'm sure people thought I was completely nuts - but several people who were walking started running again. Who knows if it was the song or just time for them to get running but it was cool.
2/10 of a mile to go..."Let's Get Ready to RUUUUUUUUMBLE!!!!" Great song to finish a race to!
Running the race of life...can't wait to cross the finish line into heaven!

39 hours and counting

The 1/2 marathon is Sunday morning. 8 AM. I am feeling nervous about not being able to finish because of injury and what will I do if I really do injure myself?
Then I tell myself I ran the 25k in May with only 10 miles under my belt...I can run 13.1. I just want this race to be done and my body back to the healing process!
I do love what running has done for my weight and shape and am not looking forward to the long winter without it.
I'm still debating if I should run the 25k again in May or just stick to 5k's. Also in the very recesses of my mind is the mantra: run a marathon...just one. But if I pay attention to the mantra I realize how utterly ridiculous that would be .... or not?
Praying God will provide an incredible run for me on Sunday - hopeful for 2:15 that's a little over a a 10 minute mile.

Better?

Okay...so this week was better...not so hectic.
Running is not going as planned! I had hoped to run the half-marathon course on Saturday. Ended up sleeping until 9AM...ate, laid around...finally got going at noon. Got out of my car at the Y and ...rain! Lovely! So I ran...thanks to the ArtPrize people who cheered me on - I made it to about mile 5 before my knee starting hurting - have had knee issues since Tuesday - thought maybe I could push it but decided I'd like to run in two weeks so walked/ran back to my car.
Today I went to Gazelle Sports and spent more money on a pair of shoes and inserts than I did on my groceries for the whole week! I'll try running again on Tuesday.
The race is Oct. 18...so I have some time but I really wanted to have 13 miles "under my belt" so I knew I could do it. The farthest I've run is 11. That will have to do unless I want to try for 12 on Saturday!
Oh, to have such trivial problems! Thank you, God, for your blessings!

Life in full swing

Wow! It has been an incredibly busy week! Today, Sunday, is a day that I am relishing in because I have nothing planned!!
An overview of the previous 7 days:
Sunday: Bridge Run at 8AM ran my best time 1:34:32
Worked in my classroom
Monday: Arrive at work at 6:30AM only able to drink liquids because of colonoscopy on Tues.
3pm - take 4 laxatives. 5pm - start drinking 8oz of miralax every 30 minutes until 64oz.
is drunk. 8pm - don't leave bathroom until midnight.
Tuesday: Arrive at work at 7:15AM leave at noon. Travel all over Grand Rapids for 2 hours hunting down books for bible study - only find 5 of needed 8.
Arrive at dr.'s office for colonoscopy at 2:15pm. Arrive home at 4:00pm sleep until 6:30 get up and eat and lay around. Bed at 10:30
Wednesday: Arrive at breakfast with friends at 6:30AM Work Arrive home at 3:15pm. Fix broken toilet handle and valve. Eat some protein and an apple and leave for GVSU class at 5:40pm. Return home at 9:15pm. Bed at 11.
Thursday: Arrive at Bible Study at 6:30AM. Work. Home at 3:15. Cook Dinner. Leave for Chamber Choir rehearsal in Muskegon at 4:45pm. Return home at 10:30pm. Bed.
Friday: Arrive at school for field trip at 8:30AM Get home from field trip at 11:30. Cook meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and green beans for Jared and roommates - deliver food at 2pm. Leave for Chamber Choir performance at 6:15pm return home at 11:45pm. Bed.
Saturday: Arrive at Church for Praise singers rehearsal at 10AM leave at 11:30AM REST for a few hours. Leave for Chamber Choir performance at 6:15pm return home at 11:45pm. Bed.
Sunday (Today) Arrive at Church at 8:15AM Sing with Praise Singers, teach Sunday School, arrive home at 11:30AM. REST....REST....REST!
I truly look forward to a week that is not quite so busy and where I can actually cook more than one meal for my family!

Cancer

On face book there are several groups that you can join about cancer. Two of them I was invited to the last few days....Cancer Sucks and I Hate Cancer.
These titles started an internal struggle. Without cancer, we would not have met the most caring physicians, nurses, aids, child life specialists, maids, food service people..etc. Without cancer, we would have never known the incredible generosity of our friends, family, and complete strangers. With cancer, our faith has grown tremendously, beyond what I believed my faith could ever be. With cancer, I learned to live every day for the wonderful blessing that it is and be thankful for what I have that moment, that day. With cancer, I learned how to rely on God for strength and wisdom every moment of my life. With cancer, I watched my son go into the arms of Jesus. I was allowed to see the very edge of heaven.
For these reasons I cannot hate cancer. I cannot begin to say that it sucks. Cancer showed our family how to live. Cancer showed me God.

"Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell." Matthew 10:28

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

Tonopah Nevada

That's right, I'm in Tonopah visiting my sister for a week!
It's a quaint little town 4 hours north of LasVegas. When I landed in Las Vegas it was 102 at 10pm. Not a town I would live in!!
Tonopah, however, has weather I can live with - 50's during the night and 9o's during the day! My sister and I toured the Silver Mine Park. Tonopah was a booming metropolis of 7000 people with 50 saloons in the 1930's due to the silver some man discovered in the 1900's. It's now a town of 2800...not sure how many saloons!
It's been great fun so far and I'm looking forward to visiting Virgina City with her this weekend. I guess that's where they filmed Bonanza!

In other parts of my life - I am deeply grieving with a family whose young son has leukemia and her mom just passed away from brain cancer. Once you have been affected by cancer, a whole other world opens up to you. Not necessarily one you want opened.I pray daily for families, doctors, nurses, patients, the list goes on. Prayer is powerful but sometimes you feel helpless when that is all you can do.

We watched "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas" last night...we had both heard good things about it not knowing how it ended. Quite a sad one...but a lesson to be learned in humanity.

Camp Mak-A-Dream is going on right now in Montana. Ethan went to that camp for 3 summers. Loved it! And they loved him. We sent some ashes out there to be spread too. Just missing my boy...

Thoroughly enjoyed my retreat to St. Lazare's and love being focused on Christ for 2 days. It's such an incredible experience when you walk so closely with Him. It's really hard to leave St. Lazare's for me because I know no matter how hard I try...I will lose that closeness when I get back to the "real world".

Reeds Lake Run

I ran the 10K in the Reeds Lake Run today. Thanked God this morning for cool air...but then for some strange reason the organizers of the run had the 10kers running at 8:45AM and the 5kers at 8!!
So by the time 8:45 rolled around it was already 75 and hot!! The run around the lake was pretty much in the shade but the last 2 or 3 miles were obnoxious. I did dump water over my head whenever there was a water station and ran through every sprinkler that was going but it wasn't enough!
I really wanted to finish it in 58 minutes....1:02:50...bummer. Oh, well...at least I finished and I didn't keel over at the end!
The next race isn't until September now....10 MILES - the Bridge Run. Ran it last year and finished in 1:40, I think. I'm hopeful to shave a minute or two off the time...we'll see.

I saw lots of pink shirts for Milan. Milan is a little girl that died of brain cancer and they formed this group that raises money for pediatric brain tumor research. There were probably 20 to 30 people running today. I wore my E shirt - a tank top today - but have been thinking about trying to raise money either for Child Life at Helen DeVos or brain research. We already have the memorial fund set up at the hospital so that would be easy. What kind of fundraiser is the next question and how does one go about starting it all!

Food for thought.

Summer

Summer has arrived! I am enjoying my days off while reading on the deck, playing with new recipes, lingering over memories of last summer, and just loving not having any responsibility!

This Sunday marks the first time in 7 years I won't be driving Ethan down to Camp Catch a Rainbow. It's a camp for kids with cancer outside of Jackson, MI. Ethan loved it and if you remember last year, we were in-patient with meningitis and tumor growth. Ethan was up on Sunday morning with his camp shirt on waiting for the docs to give the go ahead for camp! They did...God bless them! He had a couple of rough days before the pain meds were evened out but he came home with that glorious smile and content!

We got the news a couple of days before camp that he would have less than 6 months with us. His time for fighting was over. It was a difficult thing to hear but we knew in our hearts that God's ultimate plan was about to be unfolded before us.


So I am enjoying all the memories of last summer....the total joy we felt - not sadness - of spending time with our boy!

This Sunday some of Ethan's ashes will be at Camp Catch a Rainbow with a special friend of ours who plans to spread them on Stony Lake early in the morning. They used to fish early in the morning on that lake.

Even though tears are streaming down my face as I post this...I know that Ethan is in such a wonderful place...that he lived the life God intended him to live to the fullest. On Sept. 8 I'm pretty sure he ran into Jesus' arms with that incredible smile of his!

Thank you God for your gracious love and mercy... give my boy a hug a kiss for me!

Thoughts

It's been a while since I posted. I am finding it difficult to write to this blog. It was much easier to post to carepages because I felt I had a purpose in getting the information about Ethan to all the people that were supporting us with prayer.
This is different. This blog is just me going on about life in general. The purpose seems to be selfish.
So I'm trying to make it unselfish in my mind!
Next Saturday, Joe and I and several friends will be doing a fundraiser for Gilda's club. It should be fun but I also know deep in the recesses of my heart that it will be heart wrenching too. Some days it is just too hard to look into people's eyes that have known Ethan. I see their sorrow and pain and know there is nothing I can do to relieve it. That's what hurts the most. I know Ethan is dancing in the heavens but I miss him especially when I'm with others who miss him too.
I'm trying to adjust to the quietness of the house, no hospital visits, no special outings, no school events, no sitting in carpool. I think for the most part I have adjusted. I keep reminding myself that just like everything else on this life journey, this is a new normal and God is with me here with Ethan standing beside him.
During this lenten season, I feel even closer to God. For God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten son. When you lose a child, you get just a hint of this love. I told Ethan just before he died that Jesus loved him so much more than I did and that heaven was waiting for him. Gramma, Aunt KD, and friends he had known that died were all there too.
I often picture Ethan playing football, soccer, baseball, you name it and I hear him telling me how wonderful it is there and that I was right.
Some days I want to be with him and I ask God how much longer before we're together again. The response is always the same: I'm not done with you yet.
So I continue on, praying for peace and strength to do God's will knowing that when it is my time; my son will be waiting to show me the awesomeness of God.

Happy New Year!

We have had a wonderful Christmas season! We - especially me - enjoyed tons of snow! The picture of our deck was taken the Friday before Christmas by Christmas Eve the snow was up to bottom rail!

Christmas Eve service at our church was incredible. Jared spent the night at our house on Christmas Eve and Joe and I had to wake the boys up at 7:30 Christmas morning to open presents!Joe's brother's family came over for Christmas dinner. We all had a wonderful meal and great day just hanging out and playing games.

On December 28, 2008, Joe was baptized at Immanuel Lutheran! It was a great baptism officiated by Pastor Otto - the same pastor that baptized Erik and Ethan and also officiated Ethan's funeral. It was a great day! Joe's sponsors held a brunch at their house in Joe's honor. We all had a wonderful time!

New Year's Eve was spent at my brother's house with friends and family. Lots of food, Rock Band, and we didn't leave until 2 AM!! It's been a long time since we stayed up so late! Jared and Erik spent New Year's in Harbor Springs with friends so for the first time in a long time, Joe and I have the house completely to ourselves for a few days! Empty nesting preview...we're already thinking what in the world do we do before we had kids?! And what do we do now?

So here we are in 2009...I don't think much will change in our day to day lives - besides having no clinic visits, mri's, etc. We will still continue to thank God everyday for all that we have. We look forward to what God has in store for us and wish peace and blessings on all of you.