I have spent the last day and a half reading Ethan's 5 1/2 year journey that I wrote about on carepages. I loved reading Ethan's story again. It was like he was alive again....I could hear him talking, laughing, being angry, crying, all of it and it was such a wonderful thing to be able to have those memories come to life for me.It was a bittersweet read, and one that left me in awe of how much my faith grew and how God carried us all through that time.
To be honest, I have been in a dry patch with God lately. I know He is there always, walking beside me, loving me, guiding me.....but over the past several months I have felt distant from Him.
I heard from several different sources that when this happens, it's not God who is distant, it's me. So I dove into daily devotions, reading my bible daily, prayer, you name it, I did it. Some days I would feel His presence; other days not so much.
I felt His presence the most when I was worshiping. It was overwhelmingly peaceful and joyful....to the point that I didn't want to leave. Then God reminded me that my body is the temple; the Holy Spirit resides in me and I can worship, be filled with peace and joy, all the time. But life gets in the way, because I allow it to. When I am at church I focus completely and solely on God, when I leave the building I allow the little things to pull my attention away from Him.
As I read through the carepages, I noticed that even with life pulling my attention away, I was still focusing on God and giving everything to Him, thanking Him for everything....I have stopped doing that.
So today, I will begin anew to put God first, to remember to thank Him for everything - good and bad, to call on Him throughout the day.
This journey we call life continues and I have experienced it firsthand with the love, peace, and joy that God offers to those who put Him first and also without putting Him first and just getting through everyday....I prefer the former and will continue to strive for that.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Running
Who would have guessed that a 5 year anniversary would have such an effect on me. September 8, 2013 will be 5 years since Ethan died. April 7 was 10 years since diagnosis; June will mark the prognosis of 6 months left to live, the Riverbank run will mark 5 years since my first 5k race.
I got back into running in January of 2008, Ethan had just had another relapse and I was looking for a way to relieve stress so I could be a better Mom. My brother Mark was a runner and talked me into running and training for a 5k; his wife Monica joined me in training. We trained separately but it was good to know that she was out there trying to run too. I ran that 5k for Ethan because I felt like running was the only thing I could do for him - I couldn't take his cancer away, I couldn't take the side effects away, I could just be there for him and in order to do that I needed to be my best.
I prayed him and our family a lot and I ran. Ethan was so impressed with me running! He would marvel at the distance I could run because he couldn't run - he let me use his mp3 player so I could listen to music while I ran - I still have that playlist.
The year after Ethan died, I tried to train for the 25k at Riverbank - was sick a lot and didn't get much training in....the Monday before the race I went out and ran 10 miles and decided that if my son could fight cancer for 5 1/2 years; I could run 15 miles. I ran it. I was tired, sore and exhilarated at the finish - broke down and cried for a few minutes too. I've run the 25k ever since...this year I have been sick a lot and not able to train like I wanted; I got in a 10 miler few weeks ago and have only been able to do 8 since then. On Saturday, I will run the 25k....because it's the only thing I can do for my son now. I can run listening to his playlist, I can wear the E shirt we had made after he died, and I can cross the finish line tired, sore and exhilarated - praising God for sacrificing His Son so mine could live, dance and praise Him eternally.
This song says it all for me
I got back into running in January of 2008, Ethan had just had another relapse and I was looking for a way to relieve stress so I could be a better Mom. My brother Mark was a runner and talked me into running and training for a 5k; his wife Monica joined me in training. We trained separately but it was good to know that she was out there trying to run too. I ran that 5k for Ethan because I felt like running was the only thing I could do for him - I couldn't take his cancer away, I couldn't take the side effects away, I could just be there for him and in order to do that I needed to be my best.
I prayed him and our family a lot and I ran. Ethan was so impressed with me running! He would marvel at the distance I could run because he couldn't run - he let me use his mp3 player so I could listen to music while I ran - I still have that playlist.
The year after Ethan died, I tried to train for the 25k at Riverbank - was sick a lot and didn't get much training in....the Monday before the race I went out and ran 10 miles and decided that if my son could fight cancer for 5 1/2 years; I could run 15 miles. I ran it. I was tired, sore and exhilarated at the finish - broke down and cried for a few minutes too. I've run the 25k ever since...this year I have been sick a lot and not able to train like I wanted; I got in a 10 miler few weeks ago and have only been able to do 8 since then. On Saturday, I will run the 25k....because it's the only thing I can do for my son now. I can run listening to his playlist, I can wear the E shirt we had made after he died, and I can cross the finish line tired, sore and exhilarated - praising God for sacrificing His Son so mine could live, dance and praise Him eternally.
This song says it all for me
Sunday, April 7, 2013
10 years.....10,000 reasons
Today marks 10 years that Ethan was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Ten years ago today we sat in the waiting room while our 7 year old son had brain surgery to remove a tumor the size of a golf ball that was pushing on his brain stem. A tumor that caused such vomiting and headaches that for 6 months had everything thinking he had severe acid reflux. Ethan underwent a Nissen fundoplication two weeks prior to this surgery to stop him from vomiting.
Our whole world changed on April 7, 2003. We entered a world of doctors, nurses, child life specialists, physical therapists, aides, clinics, hospitals, chemotherapy, and radiation that we never knew existed. At first the road was rocky....we weren't certain we belonged there but slowly and surely realized that we were there, there was no going back. We opened our hearts and minds to the people that were around us and we learned so much about people, our children, our community, and our God.
The journey that we started that day has not ended even though Ethan's earthly life has. Our journey continues on today in understanding what it means to have a family member or friend that has a diagnosis of cancer. It continues on in understanding the difficult task of making peace with a Maker who sees a much bigger picture than we do and trusting that He knows best even when we think we know better. It continues in the way we can mourn with others who have had to bury their own children or loved ones.
Today is a day that I will forever remember. After the nurses in the PICU urged us to go home and get rest before Ethan's surgery, Joe and I came home. In amongst the tears and hugging, Joe asked me why God was doing this to us? I remember having a vision of my family being split apart - divorce, hatred, ugliness - and I answered him. "God is not doing this to us, but we need to cling to Him if we are going to get through this." More tears, more hugging, more God...
Most of you know the story that comes after that first week, if you would like to read the story of Ethan's 5 1/2 year cancer journey; his carepage is still up at www.carepages.com/ethanmcgraw.
Our church sang 10,000 Reasons today and my heart and soul almost burst with joy. A joy that is so
difficult to explain but so easy to have. Bless the Lord, O my Soul! Thank you, Jesus, for the journeys that you have sent me on that brought me so much closer to you - I await the day I get to see You face to face and my own son gets to show me around Heaven. Alleluia!!!
Our whole world changed on April 7, 2003. We entered a world of doctors, nurses, child life specialists, physical therapists, aides, clinics, hospitals, chemotherapy, and radiation that we never knew existed. At first the road was rocky....we weren't certain we belonged there but slowly and surely realized that we were there, there was no going back. We opened our hearts and minds to the people that were around us and we learned so much about people, our children, our community, and our God.
The journey that we started that day has not ended even though Ethan's earthly life has. Our journey continues on today in understanding what it means to have a family member or friend that has a diagnosis of cancer. It continues on in understanding the difficult task of making peace with a Maker who sees a much bigger picture than we do and trusting that He knows best even when we think we know better. It continues in the way we can mourn with others who have had to bury their own children or loved ones.
Today is a day that I will forever remember. After the nurses in the PICU urged us to go home and get rest before Ethan's surgery, Joe and I came home. In amongst the tears and hugging, Joe asked me why God was doing this to us? I remember having a vision of my family being split apart - divorce, hatred, ugliness - and I answered him. "God is not doing this to us, but we need to cling to Him if we are going to get through this." More tears, more hugging, more God...
Most of you know the story that comes after that first week, if you would like to read the story of Ethan's 5 1/2 year cancer journey; his carepage is still up at www.carepages.com/ethanmcgraw.
Our church sang 10,000 Reasons today and my heart and soul almost burst with joy. A joy that is so
difficult to explain but so easy to have. Bless the Lord, O my Soul! Thank you, Jesus, for the journeys that you have sent me on that brought me so much closer to you - I await the day I get to see You face to face and my own son gets to show me around Heaven. Alleluia!!!
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Happy Birthday, Ethan!
Tomorrow, November 19, I will celebrate the birth of my third child! Ethan was born at 7:37AM. He was the third and final son to be born on a Sunday! My labor was less than 6 hours with him and I remember when the doctor held him up and then placed him on my chest, how blessed I felt. My heart felt like it would burst with love just like it did when Jared and Erik were born. Ethan looked like his brothers - we joked with our nurses that there was no reason to put a hospital band on him....he was definitely a McGraw!
The other boys had a cross stitch birth announcement done with in months of them being born. I made them each one that said their names, birth weight, height, and time. For some reason I didn't get around to getting Ethan's finished until he was diagnosed with cancer. I remember feeling awful that my son could die and I didn't even record his birth! So a cross stitch was finished when Ethan was 7 years old announcing his birth. He was happy to finally have one and I was glad to finally have a record that he was here.
This will be the 5th birthday we celebrate without Ethan physically. For some reason, this one is making me quite emotional. Little things all week have popped up that have just taken my breath away with memories....children that come up from behind me and hug me - just the way Ethan did a couple of days before he died....somebody said "what's up? Chicken butt" today- Joe and Ethan used to say this to each other all the time....I watched a mom and middle school child hold hands today in church and I was reminded of walking to McDonald's for the last time with Ethan - we held hands on the way there.
Tomorrow I will remember and celebrate the life of my third child - an incredible gift given to me by an incredible God and I am so thankful!
The other boys had a cross stitch birth announcement done with in months of them being born. I made them each one that said their names, birth weight, height, and time. For some reason I didn't get around to getting Ethan's finished until he was diagnosed with cancer. I remember feeling awful that my son could die and I didn't even record his birth! So a cross stitch was finished when Ethan was 7 years old announcing his birth. He was happy to finally have one and I was glad to finally have a record that he was here.
This will be the 5th birthday we celebrate without Ethan physically. For some reason, this one is making me quite emotional. Little things all week have popped up that have just taken my breath away with memories....children that come up from behind me and hug me - just the way Ethan did a couple of days before he died....somebody said "what's up? Chicken butt" today- Joe and Ethan used to say this to each other all the time....I watched a mom and middle school child hold hands today in church and I was reminded of walking to McDonald's for the last time with Ethan - we held hands on the way there.
Tomorrow I will remember and celebrate the life of my third child - an incredible gift given to me by an incredible God and I am so thankful!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Time forgotten, Time Remembered
Chamber Choir is working on a piece of music called Alzheimer's Stories. It's about the disease. The piece is divided into 3 movements: The Numbers, The Stories, The Caregivers. It's an extremely moving piece of music. The lyrics, the music, the emotion....
I finally figured out tonight why I cry my way through most of the music - which is really not good! Music is a part of my soul. I think without music a part of me would die. I am constantly singing either in my head, out loud, or in my heart. It is a very emotional part of me. Now add to that words....words like "I've lost myself" ""Time forgotten, time remembered""Keep faith. They sense what they cannot show" "Love and music are the last things to go" "Love and compassion repair every loss."
It sends me right to the very raw emotions of Ethan's last days....his entire journey. No...it wasn't Alzheimer's. It was the loss of a life I had planned from day I found out I was pregnant. There's the plan and there's what really happens....we have learned that lesson.
My heart aches for those - 1 in 85 people worldwide - who are living with Alzheimer's....and the spouses, the children, the siblings, friends, the list can go on and on....
For me....whenever I sing this piece....I am taken right back to Ethan..the day he was diagnosed....the 5 1/2 year journey....the end....he sensed what he couldn't show....when he did only have love and music.....such a powerful piece....such an emotional ride for me.
I can only begin to understand how the people in our choir and Grand Rapids Women's Chorus (they are joining us for this concert) that are directly affected by Alzheimer's their emotional ride.
I finally figured out tonight why I cry my way through most of the music - which is really not good! Music is a part of my soul. I think without music a part of me would die. I am constantly singing either in my head, out loud, or in my heart. It is a very emotional part of me. Now add to that words....words like "I've lost myself" ""Time forgotten, time remembered""Keep faith. They sense what they cannot show" "Love and music are the last things to go" "Love and compassion repair every loss."
It sends me right to the very raw emotions of Ethan's last days....his entire journey. No...it wasn't Alzheimer's. It was the loss of a life I had planned from day I found out I was pregnant. There's the plan and there's what really happens....we have learned that lesson.
My heart aches for those - 1 in 85 people worldwide - who are living with Alzheimer's....and the spouses, the children, the siblings, friends, the list can go on and on....
For me....whenever I sing this piece....I am taken right back to Ethan..the day he was diagnosed....the 5 1/2 year journey....the end....he sensed what he couldn't show....when he did only have love and music.....such a powerful piece....such an emotional ride for me.
I can only begin to understand how the people in our choir and Grand Rapids Women's Chorus (they are joining us for this concert) that are directly affected by Alzheimer's their emotional ride.
Friday, September 7, 2012
4 years
4 years....the time we spend in high school.....the time a college attributes to a bachelor's degree....the age when children continually ask the question why.
It's been 4 years since Ethan died. 4 years ago I was sitting in an immense hospital room gazing at my son, knowing that I would never hear him speak again, that he would not open his eyes and look at me, that it was time for me to say goodbye.
Our pastor stopped by to say a blessing and sang a beautiful lullaby to Ethan..I stood alongside and wept silently...even though Ethan was 12...almost 13, death meant no more lullabies for me, no more hugs and kisses goodnight, no more saying...."Just go to bed"...
I prayed with Pastor and we said our goodnights....I was left alone with this child that God had blessed me with....that God had entrusted to me....and now it was time to say goodbye....time to return him to his Heavenly Father.
The same Heavenly Father who held both of us that night....who stayed by our sides....weeping with me and encouraging Ethan....quietly telling both of us that all would be well....
I am so thankful for the time that we were blessed with Ethan's soul....were they always good times and laughter? No....Was I a perfect parent? No....just ask my other two sons!! Was Ethan a perfect child? No...again...ask the sons!! But we did have a perfect Father that we entrusted our lives to and because of that...He walked through the valley of the shadow of death with us...Ethan came out on one side and we came out on the other. Oh, Death, where is thy sting???
So thankful for angels singing, for beauty beyond description, for indescribable joy on September 8, 2008 at 10:10am....
4 years...seems like yesterday.
It's been 4 years since Ethan died. 4 years ago I was sitting in an immense hospital room gazing at my son, knowing that I would never hear him speak again, that he would not open his eyes and look at me, that it was time for me to say goodbye.
Our pastor stopped by to say a blessing and sang a beautiful lullaby to Ethan..I stood alongside and wept silently...even though Ethan was 12...almost 13, death meant no more lullabies for me, no more hugs and kisses goodnight, no more saying...."Just go to bed"...
I prayed with Pastor and we said our goodnights....I was left alone with this child that God had blessed me with....that God had entrusted to me....and now it was time to say goodbye....time to return him to his Heavenly Father.
The same Heavenly Father who held both of us that night....who stayed by our sides....weeping with me and encouraging Ethan....quietly telling both of us that all would be well....
I am so thankful for the time that we were blessed with Ethan's soul....were they always good times and laughter? No....Was I a perfect parent? No....just ask my other two sons!! Was Ethan a perfect child? No...again...ask the sons!! But we did have a perfect Father that we entrusted our lives to and because of that...He walked through the valley of the shadow of death with us...Ethan came out on one side and we came out on the other. Oh, Death, where is thy sting???
So thankful for angels singing, for beauty beyond description, for indescribable joy on September 8, 2008 at 10:10am....
4 years...seems like yesterday.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Wow...haven't written in 6 months...life must be busy! Well, it is. I love every thing that I am involved in and it is so hard to say no to something that you love to do! So...teaching is number one on the plate: M - F 7:30am - 3:30pm, singing is in a tie with running: Chamber Choir Tues. 7:30 - 9:30pm Church choir Th. 7 - 8:30pm Worship team - M. 6:30 - 8pm Sat. 11am - 12:30pm (only once a month). Running: just getting back into the schedule: M - 4 miles, T - speedwork, W - rest, TH - Hills, FRI - rest, Sat - long run. Sundays - absolutely love - traditional worship - 8:30am, teach 6th, 7th, & 8th grade S.S. 9:50 - 10:50, contemporary worship 11am. Usually help out with small group confirmation 6-7:30pm - about 3 Sundays a month and when I'm not doing that LOVE helping out with High School Youth group twice a month. Then you add in Gilda's which is on an occasional basis on Wednesday's 5:30 - 7:30pm and bible Study on Thurs. mornings at 6:30am, breakfast with friends on Wed. mornings 6:30am, parent meetings, presentations at the Libraries and my life is pretty full. LOVE IT ALL!!!
Today, ran into someone at Meijer who I know through a grief group and she asked me how I was doing...I told her that I am so happy Ethan is heaven. She just smiled and told me that kinda emanates from me. As I was walking through the store, I thought...I am so completely at peace with Ethan's death. So glad that he is not living on this earth any longer; that he is in complete and total peace, joy and love. Dancing and singing his little heart out - what joy this brings my heart~ I am so thankful that there is no void...that I just have complete and total peace, knowing that my boy is living the life that is meant for all of us!
So as I passed the Valentine display, this adorable little monkey caught my eye. (Ethan named himself Monk-Monk and had several stuffed monkeys). I bought it and it's sitting next the computer so whenever I sit down to work or play I can see cute thing that just makes me smile as I remember my son and all the joy he brought me!
"Rejoice in the LORD always,I will say it again; Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4 -6
Monday, August 29, 2011
And so it begins....
School started back up this week...my new kids started orientation today! It was a beautiful day and the kids did really well.
Running is going well also...I plan to run the Grand Rapids Marathon in October so I have been training most of the summer.
But what has kept my mind full no matter how hard I try to shake it is memories of August and September 3 years ago. I was training for my first 10 mile run - the Bridge Run here in Grand Rapids (I will be running this this year also). I was welcoming new students to school. And I was anticipating the death of my youngest son.
I knew it was coming...the doctors had told me in June that I would have 6 months with him but Ethan was on different timing. His speech was slurred, he had gained almost 20 pounds in 2 months, and he was having mini-seizures. I was trying to memorize every moment...I knew the moments would not be forever.
Ethan knew it was coming too. He never said anything to me but in his actions he told us that his body was shutting down.
So it begins the rollercoaster of memories that I have found comes to me every year about the end of August and will end about the middle of September. Yes, tears fall, yes, there is laughter, yes, there is sadness. But at the end of the ride, I get off knowing that Ethan is home...waiting for me and all of us. I'm thankful for his homecoming and wait patiently for the day my vacation will end.
Running is going well also...I plan to run the Grand Rapids Marathon in October so I have been training most of the summer.
But what has kept my mind full no matter how hard I try to shake it is memories of August and September 3 years ago. I was training for my first 10 mile run - the Bridge Run here in Grand Rapids (I will be running this this year also). I was welcoming new students to school. And I was anticipating the death of my youngest son.
I knew it was coming...the doctors had told me in June that I would have 6 months with him but Ethan was on different timing. His speech was slurred, he had gained almost 20 pounds in 2 months, and he was having mini-seizures. I was trying to memorize every moment...I knew the moments would not be forever.
Ethan knew it was coming too. He never said anything to me but in his actions he told us that his body was shutting down.
So it begins the rollercoaster of memories that I have found comes to me every year about the end of August and will end about the middle of September. Yes, tears fall, yes, there is laughter, yes, there is sadness. But at the end of the ride, I get off knowing that Ethan is home...waiting for me and all of us. I'm thankful for his homecoming and wait patiently for the day my vacation will end.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Wow...
SO I ran the Kalamazoo Marathon on May 8...came in at 4:47...8 minutes slower than my first Marathon last May. You think so much when you run...especially when you don't have music. Most marathon races request that you run without music and I oblige. ANYWAY...during the run I couldn't help thinking how running was MY thing...not really God's. All the races I run, really focus on me and not Him. Is that okay? I don't know. The thought occurred to me more than once to not run "long" races anymore because the focus was on MY ability and not on what God has blessed me with.
Then 6 days later I ran the 25k at the Fifth Third in Grand Rapids. During the week, my quads hurt so bad I couldn't even go out for a small run. So I decided that my thoughts were true and God was showing me what a total idiot I was for placing all my faith in myself and not in Him! Race day arrived and I was pumped...not sure if I would be able to run it under 3 hours but lined up just ahead of the 10 minute pacers who would finish at 2:36.
God is so incredibly awesome! I have only run the 25k(15.5 miles) 3 times. The first time I was totally exhausted at mile 11 and finished at 2:50. The 2nd time, I actually trained but still had to walk/run from exhaustion at mile 13 and finished at 2:34:26. The third time - this year - after running 26.2 miles 6 days earlier; I not only finished 5 seconds earlier at 2:34:21 but I didn't walk - I was never exhausted! I was so filled with the Holy Spirit through the whole run it was a religious experience! That time of 2:34:21 is God's time...not mine. He ran that race with me and it was the most fabulous thing I have ever done! It was like when Ethan went to heaven. My heart was bursting with joy on that run...I had no idea I was even running!!
Okay...so fast forward to yesterday when I picked up Saint Augustine's Confessions for the 4th time to read in the past 2 years. I start reading about when he was young - in his 20's I think - and a very close friend of his dies. He is in complete and total grief and sorrow. He explains how he felt like half his soul is missing because this friend filled up that half. He didn't want to be anywhere that reminded him of his friend because of the pain it caused him. The places that they frequented were not the same...Augustine was in total anguish. Then he says something profound. Note that his confessions were written when he was much older and wiser. He basically said the reason that his friend's death caused him so much pain was because he loved his friend more than God. He placed his love and trust in a human being who he knew would die, instead of in God who never dies.
WOW...what a statement. At first I couldn't believe what I was reading but then...how many times have I said, " I couldn't have gotten through that without Joe or friends or doctors or nurses " because they were right there helping me holding me. But guess what? GOD was right there helping me, holding me. AND if I believe the verse in Matthew 22:37 (Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind) doesn't that mean that I love God MORE than my husband, my friends, even my children? AND if I believe the verse in Hebrews 13: 5 & 6 (Never will I leave you or forsake you So we say with confidence: "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid, What can man do to me?" then I must confess that I do love the Lord more. Wow.
Then 6 days later I ran the 25k at the Fifth Third in Grand Rapids. During the week, my quads hurt so bad I couldn't even go out for a small run. So I decided that my thoughts were true and God was showing me what a total idiot I was for placing all my faith in myself and not in Him! Race day arrived and I was pumped...not sure if I would be able to run it under 3 hours but lined up just ahead of the 10 minute pacers who would finish at 2:36.
God is so incredibly awesome! I have only run the 25k(15.5 miles) 3 times. The first time I was totally exhausted at mile 11 and finished at 2:50. The 2nd time, I actually trained but still had to walk/run from exhaustion at mile 13 and finished at 2:34:26. The third time - this year - after running 26.2 miles 6 days earlier; I not only finished 5 seconds earlier at 2:34:21 but I didn't walk - I was never exhausted! I was so filled with the Holy Spirit through the whole run it was a religious experience! That time of 2:34:21 is God's time...not mine. He ran that race with me and it was the most fabulous thing I have ever done! It was like when Ethan went to heaven. My heart was bursting with joy on that run...I had no idea I was even running!!
Okay...so fast forward to yesterday when I picked up Saint Augustine's Confessions for the 4th time to read in the past 2 years. I start reading about when he was young - in his 20's I think - and a very close friend of his dies. He is in complete and total grief and sorrow. He explains how he felt like half his soul is missing because this friend filled up that half. He didn't want to be anywhere that reminded him of his friend because of the pain it caused him. The places that they frequented were not the same...Augustine was in total anguish. Then he says something profound. Note that his confessions were written when he was much older and wiser. He basically said the reason that his friend's death caused him so much pain was because he loved his friend more than God. He placed his love and trust in a human being who he knew would die, instead of in God who never dies.
WOW...what a statement. At first I couldn't believe what I was reading but then...how many times have I said, " I couldn't have gotten through that without Joe or friends or doctors or nurses " because they were right there helping me holding me. But guess what? GOD was right there helping me, holding me. AND if I believe the verse in Matthew 22:37 (Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind) doesn't that mean that I love God MORE than my husband, my friends, even my children? AND if I believe the verse in Hebrews 13: 5 & 6 (Never will I leave you or forsake you So we say with confidence: "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid, What can man do to me?" then I must confess that I do love the Lord more. Wow.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Good Friday
I get asked a lot what is so "good" about Good Friday. Why do Christians "celebrate" the day Jesus died?
Well, let me tell you today was not a celebration. Our church has a Tre Ore (Three Hours' Agony)service from Noon to Three. It is seven 25 minute "services" focusing on the seven last words of Christ. Today, I cried probably 7 times during that service - mostly during music. Amazed at what Christ did for me...a horrible wretched sinner who can't even give up Facebook for 40 days without lamenting! Yet, Christ took on all of our sin, let people beat him beyond human recognition, nail him to a tree and then still asked his father to forgive us because we didn't know what we were doing.
So at 3 pm I was sorrowful, remorseful, and on the verge of grieving.
I had some time before the evening service and took a walk from our church. I anticipated walking to the Starbucks in the Amway Grand but it started raining as I was walking so I changed my route and I ended up at Crescent Park by Van Andel Institute, looking at Ethan's memorial brick. I just said "I love you buddy" and then walked up to hospital to get a coffee at the cafeteria. It was fitting to be there today as I remembered several walks in the back door with Ethan. This time I pushed 1 instead of 7 on the elevator button and when I walked into the cafeteria it was eerie still to go and get a cup of coffee without stopping to look at the chips, ice cream, and candy. I left having triumphed the trip without a tear drop.
Rehearsal for the evening service proved very moving and I cried a lot. I knew that the evening service would be difficult.
The tears started flowing at Michael W. Smith's Lord Have Mercy. How could anyone love me so much that they would go through all that so I can live eternally? How horrible for God to have to turn his back on his only son when he was in such extreme pain so that I could be with him? As the song states: What wondrous love is this, o my soul...
Tonight, we were allowed to walk up and nail our "sin" to a cross...I took a hammer and pounded a nail into the cross and then sat in my pew and sobbed. Jesus, name above all names, died on a cross for me, for you, for all.
After the sound of the stone being rolled in front of the tomb, we left the church in silence.
I have always been mournful on Good Friday but since Ethan died I have been more so. Because if Christ didn't do what he did, MY son would not be living eternally. I would not be filled with peace that passes all understanding because I know Ethan is joyfully dancing and singing in the heavens.
What's Good about Good Friday? My God....that's what's good!
Well, let me tell you today was not a celebration. Our church has a Tre Ore (Three Hours' Agony)service from Noon to Three. It is seven 25 minute "services" focusing on the seven last words of Christ. Today, I cried probably 7 times during that service - mostly during music. Amazed at what Christ did for me...a horrible wretched sinner who can't even give up Facebook for 40 days without lamenting! Yet, Christ took on all of our sin, let people beat him beyond human recognition, nail him to a tree and then still asked his father to forgive us because we didn't know what we were doing.
So at 3 pm I was sorrowful, remorseful, and on the verge of grieving.
I had some time before the evening service and took a walk from our church. I anticipated walking to the Starbucks in the Amway Grand but it started raining as I was walking so I changed my route and I ended up at Crescent Park by Van Andel Institute, looking at Ethan's memorial brick. I just said "I love you buddy" and then walked up to hospital to get a coffee at the cafeteria. It was fitting to be there today as I remembered several walks in the back door with Ethan. This time I pushed 1 instead of 7 on the elevator button and when I walked into the cafeteria it was eerie still to go and get a cup of coffee without stopping to look at the chips, ice cream, and candy. I left having triumphed the trip without a tear drop.
Rehearsal for the evening service proved very moving and I cried a lot. I knew that the evening service would be difficult.
The tears started flowing at Michael W. Smith's Lord Have Mercy. How could anyone love me so much that they would go through all that so I can live eternally? How horrible for God to have to turn his back on his only son when he was in such extreme pain so that I could be with him? As the song states: What wondrous love is this, o my soul...
Tonight, we were allowed to walk up and nail our "sin" to a cross...I took a hammer and pounded a nail into the cross and then sat in my pew and sobbed. Jesus, name above all names, died on a cross for me, for you, for all.
After the sound of the stone being rolled in front of the tomb, we left the church in silence.
I have always been mournful on Good Friday but since Ethan died I have been more so. Because if Christ didn't do what he did, MY son would not be living eternally. I would not be filled with peace that passes all understanding because I know Ethan is joyfully dancing and singing in the heavens.
What's Good about Good Friday? My God....that's what's good!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Homesick
Today was an Ethan day. I don't know why but for some reason he was on my mind all day. I didn't have to work today. We went to a Lollipops concert at 9:30 - Grand Rapids Symphony does a 45 minute show for young children - and then no school. For some reason I slept until 8:30 and then jumped out of bed to shower and get to the concert.
Thoughts of him raced through my mind. It started last week with an innocent post card from a driver's education company who got a list with Ethan as a potential student, and then a letter from our auto insurance making certain that we insure anyone in our household who is old enough to drive. He's not here, I said out loud. Then I whispered...he's not here.
So after the concert I came home and got some work done and then headed over to the mall to purchase a book. In the bookstore, I could hear Ethan prompting me and then when I was walking through the mall, I heard a mom calling to her child..."Ethan...come here..." I know; it's a pretty common name...but wow after the day I had had...
Then Bible study...the songs were The Old Rugged Cross and At The Cross... I prayed that I wouldn't cry. We got up to get our dinner and someone came over to tell me they had thought about Ethan at the Betty White show when a child with cancer was on the stage with her and hugging her.
Today, I wanted to be in Heaven. Today, I wanted to hug my youngest son. Today, I love my Savior and pray for His return so I can live as God intended...without sorrow, without anxiety, without pain.
I will patiently await my call home...today I was homesick.
Thoughts of him raced through my mind. It started last week with an innocent post card from a driver's education company who got a list with Ethan as a potential student, and then a letter from our auto insurance making certain that we insure anyone in our household who is old enough to drive. He's not here, I said out loud. Then I whispered...he's not here.
So after the concert I came home and got some work done and then headed over to the mall to purchase a book. In the bookstore, I could hear Ethan prompting me and then when I was walking through the mall, I heard a mom calling to her child..."Ethan...come here..." I know; it's a pretty common name...but wow after the day I had had...
Then Bible study...the songs were The Old Rugged Cross and At The Cross... I prayed that I wouldn't cry. We got up to get our dinner and someone came over to tell me they had thought about Ethan at the Betty White show when a child with cancer was on the stage with her and hugging her.
Today, I wanted to be in Heaven. Today, I wanted to hug my youngest son. Today, I love my Savior and pray for His return so I can live as God intended...without sorrow, without anxiety, without pain.
I will patiently await my call home...today I was homesick.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Let Go
I do a lot of thinking when I am running. Today was 10 miles so I had an hour and a half to think!
There's been a lot of grief and death near friends of mine lately. And they are sad and broken-hearted. They believe in God and know that eternal life is a reality. Yet they still mourn. What if we changed our paradigm? Think about when someone gets into the college of their dreams, or goes on a trip of a lifetime...are we sad and mournful or do we rejoice with them even though we will not be with them anymore? I think if we shifted our thoughts of death to winning the lottery or getting the chance of a lifetime instead of despair because we no longer have a physical being we might not be so tired all the time.
So then my thoughts shifted once again...Have you ever played the Trust Game? You know the one where you stand in front of some one and close your eyes and just fall backwards? It's really hard to do but once you let go and fall, it's amazing how good you feel when you are caught. God is like that...He wants us to let go and trust him. If we just have one iota of faith and let go of grief, anxiety, addiction, fear, etc. He will catch us and love us like we have never been loved before.
So...let go, be amazed, and be loved more than you can even imagine! It's an incredible indescribable thing and I encourage everyone to do it.....just....let.....go.......
There's been a lot of grief and death near friends of mine lately. And they are sad and broken-hearted. They believe in God and know that eternal life is a reality. Yet they still mourn. What if we changed our paradigm? Think about when someone gets into the college of their dreams, or goes on a trip of a lifetime...are we sad and mournful or do we rejoice with them even though we will not be with them anymore? I think if we shifted our thoughts of death to winning the lottery or getting the chance of a lifetime instead of despair because we no longer have a physical being we might not be so tired all the time.
So then my thoughts shifted once again...Have you ever played the Trust Game? You know the one where you stand in front of some one and close your eyes and just fall backwards? It's really hard to do but once you let go and fall, it's amazing how good you feel when you are caught. God is like that...He wants us to let go and trust him. If we just have one iota of faith and let go of grief, anxiety, addiction, fear, etc. He will catch us and love us like we have never been loved before.
So...let go, be amazed, and be loved more than you can even imagine! It's an incredible indescribable thing and I encourage everyone to do it.....just....let.....go.......
Sunday, January 23, 2011
God is so good!
I hear this all time. Some one is blessed with a good job, great family, finances, a clear MRI, etc. Yes...in these instances God is so good! But does that mean He isn't good when someone's cancer returns? When someone dies? When someone is fired from a job? When someone's financial security is taken away? Is He absent during these times?
My response is NO!! God is good ALL THE TIME. Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS - Paul tells us in Philippians 4:4.
Yes, it's wonderful when we have good news but if we only rejoice when it is good news then we forget that ALL that God does He does because He loves us. He sees the whole picture...we see a piece.
I remember when Ethan was given 6 months to live. We were in the hospital and my sister-in-law came to visit. She was so sad and crying. I hugged her and for some reason "God is so Good" came out of my mouth. It was all that she needed to remind her that He is Good. Yes, we were about to lose a son, nephew, cousin, and friend, but we knew that Ethan was going to heaven; God granted us 5 1/2 years that He didn't have to grant; AND now I know that God is good ALL THE TIME! Not just in times when prayers are answered the way we want, but all the time.
I think Satan wants us to believe that God doesn't care about us when we are suffering. Satan wants us to think that the grief, despair, and loneliness is God leaving us alone...but I know it's not true. God is with us always...He will never forsake us or leave us...I think it's us who leave him when we despair; we don't trust Him and we believe all the lies Satan has to tell us about loneliness and despair.
May we always rejoice in the knowledge and comfort that God is for us....so WHO could be against us?
My response is NO!! God is good ALL THE TIME. Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS - Paul tells us in Philippians 4:4.
Yes, it's wonderful when we have good news but if we only rejoice when it is good news then we forget that ALL that God does He does because He loves us. He sees the whole picture...we see a piece.
I remember when Ethan was given 6 months to live. We were in the hospital and my sister-in-law came to visit. She was so sad and crying. I hugged her and for some reason "God is so Good" came out of my mouth. It was all that she needed to remind her that He is Good. Yes, we were about to lose a son, nephew, cousin, and friend, but we knew that Ethan was going to heaven; God granted us 5 1/2 years that He didn't have to grant; AND now I know that God is good ALL THE TIME! Not just in times when prayers are answered the way we want, but all the time.
I think Satan wants us to believe that God doesn't care about us when we are suffering. Satan wants us to think that the grief, despair, and loneliness is God leaving us alone...but I know it's not true. God is with us always...He will never forsake us or leave us...I think it's us who leave him when we despair; we don't trust Him and we believe all the lies Satan has to tell us about loneliness and despair.
May we always rejoice in the knowledge and comfort that God is for us....so WHO could be against us?
Sunday, November 28, 2010
What's wrong with me?
Have you ever just wanted to feel normal? Like you fit in with the rest of the crowd? Well, I don't fit in. For some reason beyond my comprehension, I do not grieve my son like others who grieve. I do not have a big whole in my heart, I do not feel sadness on each holiday because he is not here. I do not count how old he would have been on his birthday.
I only have total complete peace and joy about his life. I am so happy that he is with God. I am so thankful for all the people we met along the journey. I am thankful for people that we have met that have also experienced the death of a child.
I just feel out of place. I should be crying, I should be sad, I should be upset that I have to have Christmas without him. I'm not and I can't seem to conjure up those feelings.
I feel as though I am blessed to have that complete joy and peace but when the people I know who are grieving and sad it's hard for me to say that I understand their sadness, I can't because I don't have it.
I am so completely thankful for Ethan. For the life that God gave him, for all that Ethan gave us! What a joyous child and sometimes a complete pain in the butt! But he was my kid and I loved him wholly and completely just as my other children. So.... what's wrong with me?
Thank you God for this joy that I cannot explain. I pray it for others who are traveling down the road of life without a loved one.
I only have total complete peace and joy about his life. I am so happy that he is with God. I am so thankful for all the people we met along the journey. I am thankful for people that we have met that have also experienced the death of a child.
I just feel out of place. I should be crying, I should be sad, I should be upset that I have to have Christmas without him. I'm not and I can't seem to conjure up those feelings.
I feel as though I am blessed to have that complete joy and peace but when the people I know who are grieving and sad it's hard for me to say that I understand their sadness, I can't because I don't have it.
I am so completely thankful for Ethan. For the life that God gave him, for all that Ethan gave us! What a joyous child and sometimes a complete pain in the butt! But he was my kid and I loved him wholly and completely just as my other children. So.... what's wrong with me?
Thank you God for this joy that I cannot explain. I pray it for others who are traveling down the road of life without a loved one.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Bethlehem
How far is it to Bethlehem? Not very far. - words from a familiar Christmas song that is ringing in my ears lately.
I'm just having such a difficult time with life application in general. The idea of changing a paradox is intriguing to me. The paradigms that seem to be overflowing in our world is world peace and curing all kinds of cancer, disease, etc. So my very innocent question is this: Why are we fighting so hard to stay in a world we can hardly bear? People complain constantly about real things like disease, doctors, insurance, and then simple things like the weather. We can't stand our neighbors, the doctors did us wrong, our kids' teachers don't understand, the snowstorm, rainstorm, on and on and on. Then something tragic happens and we unite with these people that we couldn't deal with before, we realize that we can live together if we just put our differences aside, and we fight. We win or lose the fight and we go back to living the way it was before.
I love God. I want to serve Him in any way that He wants me to. I just keep coming back to the question of selfishness. When Ethan was sick, I would have done anything to keep him here...until the questions of blinding him or rendering him four times less intelligent than he was came into play. Then I started to question my own selfishness to keep this child with me when I knew that He could live eternally without any of this. Was I so determined to have this child by my side that I was willingly to sacrifice his quality of life? The answer for me was no. I knew/know that Jesus could offer him so much more than I ever could. Would it bring me pain? Yes. Would I regret my decision? No. How could I live with myself knowing I tortured my child for my benefit?
How far is it to Bethlehem? Not very far....we are so close to heaven, to home. We only need to serve others here who suffer, to love those that are not loved, and to pray for guidance when we are uncertain of the crazy life we live here. Home is certainly not on this earth as we are so fervently told to believe but IT IS with CHRIST in Heaven. This is just a vacation with horrid stories and good laughs that I can hardly wait to tell my Father about when I get home....funny thing...He already knows the stories!
I'm just having such a difficult time with life application in general. The idea of changing a paradox is intriguing to me. The paradigms that seem to be overflowing in our world is world peace and curing all kinds of cancer, disease, etc. So my very innocent question is this: Why are we fighting so hard to stay in a world we can hardly bear? People complain constantly about real things like disease, doctors, insurance, and then simple things like the weather. We can't stand our neighbors, the doctors did us wrong, our kids' teachers don't understand, the snowstorm, rainstorm, on and on and on. Then something tragic happens and we unite with these people that we couldn't deal with before, we realize that we can live together if we just put our differences aside, and we fight. We win or lose the fight and we go back to living the way it was before.
I love God. I want to serve Him in any way that He wants me to. I just keep coming back to the question of selfishness. When Ethan was sick, I would have done anything to keep him here...until the questions of blinding him or rendering him four times less intelligent than he was came into play. Then I started to question my own selfishness to keep this child with me when I knew that He could live eternally without any of this. Was I so determined to have this child by my side that I was willingly to sacrifice his quality of life? The answer for me was no. I knew/know that Jesus could offer him so much more than I ever could. Would it bring me pain? Yes. Would I regret my decision? No. How could I live with myself knowing I tortured my child for my benefit?
How far is it to Bethlehem? Not very far....we are so close to heaven, to home. We only need to serve others here who suffer, to love those that are not loved, and to pray for guidance when we are uncertain of the crazy life we live here. Home is certainly not on this earth as we are so fervently told to believe but IT IS with CHRIST in Heaven. This is just a vacation with horrid stories and good laughs that I can hardly wait to tell my Father about when I get home....funny thing...He already knows the stories!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Grand Rapids 1/2 Marathon
I did it... today I ran the 1/2 marathon (13.1 miles) at 2:09:58 to my total surprise! Yes, I signed up for it back in August...along with a 5k(3.1 miles) and the Bridge run (10 miles)and figured signing up for them would get me training! Well, life got busy and it was really hard for me to run during the week. I usually got in one short run during the week and tried to get in longer ones on the weekends.
The bridge run was hard as I mentioned in my earlier post and when I finished I knew that I hadn't trained enough and I needed to do that for the 1/2 marathon only 4 weeks away! But life continued to be busy and running during the week was extremely difficult and again only got one or two short runs in and tried to do long on the weekends.
2 weeks ago, I decided to try to run 13.1 miles to see how off I was going to be. I only made it 12 and it took me 2 hours and 12 minutes to do it. I was exhausted at the end and I walked a lot!
I got two short runs in before today. This morning I got up, put on my Ethan running shirt - the E symbol on the front and "Give me half the strength of Ethan" on the back - excited and ready for whatever was going to happen. The Chamber Choir - I'm in it - sang O Canada and The Star Spangled Banner before the race - it was beautiful and so fun to do!!
Then off to the race... I hit 3 miles at 28 minutes - the best I'd run in a long time and I was feeling great! I hit 10 miles at 1 hour and 37 minutes - my bridge run time was 1:42?!! - then came mile 11 and mile 12...thought I was going to throw up...never had that happen to me before in a race..so I slowed to a walk trying to calm my stomach. Also at this time, some crazy song was playing on my mp3 player. I thought I had added Lady by Little River Band
which tells you to look around, look up here, take time to make time, make time to be there (a great uplifting song for me) but for some reason I didn't pay attention to the artist when I downloaded it and it was Lenny Kravitz Lady!
Not at all what I expected and it completely threw me off. So I'm walking, trying not to throw up and trying to figure out what this song was and why I had added it to my playlist....when a lady came up behind me and touched my shoulder and said "run for Ethan"...I told her Thank You and was thinking God bless you and started running again...not 2 seconds later the song "I'm Blue" by Eiffel 65 came on - it was one of Ethan's favorite songs!
I smiled, looked to the heavens and said thank you and ran on to the finish! Joe and Jared came and saw them about a tenth of a mile from the finish line. That helped me even more and I was able to sprint it in to the finish line! It was great to finish feeling so good.
God blesses us in ways we don't even think of and He is so awesome! It's a great day to be alive in Christ Jesus!
The bridge run was hard as I mentioned in my earlier post and when I finished I knew that I hadn't trained enough and I needed to do that for the 1/2 marathon only 4 weeks away! But life continued to be busy and running during the week was extremely difficult and again only got one or two short runs in and tried to do long on the weekends.
2 weeks ago, I decided to try to run 13.1 miles to see how off I was going to be. I only made it 12 and it took me 2 hours and 12 minutes to do it. I was exhausted at the end and I walked a lot!
I got two short runs in before today. This morning I got up, put on my Ethan running shirt - the E symbol on the front and "Give me half the strength of Ethan" on the back - excited and ready for whatever was going to happen. The Chamber Choir - I'm in it - sang O Canada and The Star Spangled Banner before the race - it was beautiful and so fun to do!!
Then off to the race... I hit 3 miles at 28 minutes - the best I'd run in a long time and I was feeling great! I hit 10 miles at 1 hour and 37 minutes - my bridge run time was 1:42?!! - then came mile 11 and mile 12...thought I was going to throw up...never had that happen to me before in a race..so I slowed to a walk trying to calm my stomach. Also at this time, some crazy song was playing on my mp3 player. I thought I had added Lady by Little River Band
which tells you to look around, look up here, take time to make time, make time to be there (a great uplifting song for me) but for some reason I didn't pay attention to the artist when I downloaded it and it was Lenny Kravitz Lady!
Not at all what I expected and it completely threw me off. So I'm walking, trying not to throw up and trying to figure out what this song was and why I had added it to my playlist....when a lady came up behind me and touched my shoulder and said "run for Ethan"...I told her Thank You and was thinking God bless you and started running again...not 2 seconds later the song "I'm Blue" by Eiffel 65 came on - it was one of Ethan's favorite songs!
I smiled, looked to the heavens and said thank you and ran on to the finish! Joe and Jared came and saw them about a tenth of a mile from the finish line. That helped me even more and I was able to sprint it in to the finish line! It was great to finish feeling so good.
God blesses us in ways we don't even think of and He is so awesome! It's a great day to be alive in Christ Jesus!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
mp3 player
Ethan's mp3 player is broken. It plays only if you hold it a certain way. Something is rattling around inside it which wasn't before. Now, I know that nowadays we go through electronics like water. It shouldn't be a big deal that his little Sansa Clip that cost me all of $40 3 years ago should be upsetting me. I will go and buy another Sansa Clip just because it's small and great for what I need. BUT it's not just the mp3 player...it's memories of him listening to it and sharing the earphones with anyone that would listen! Those memories are not leaving me either of course. So why sadness? I'm not down in the dumps depressed but I'm just upset that somehow I broke this piece of him and now I have to replace it with something he never had. Strange how the mind works. It's just a stupid mp3 player....
Somewhere in the bible it tells us that wherever our heart is, that is where our treasure will be. So I will be placing my heart in heaven with Christ and Ethan and not in some tiny mp3 player. My treasure is waiting for me to arrive and I can hardly wait for the day!
Somewhere in the bible it tells us that wherever our heart is, that is where our treasure will be. So I will be placing my heart in heaven with Christ and Ethan and not in some tiny mp3 player. My treasure is waiting for me to arrive and I can hardly wait for the day!
Monday, September 20, 2010
Bridge Run
The Bridge Run started out as a mistake. It was June 2008. I had run a couple of 5k races and wanted to challenge myself a little more. I thought it was time to run a 10k. I looked around on the internet for races and found the Bridge Run in Grand Rapids in mid September. I signed up. When I received my confirmation email, it read something like this: Jennifer, Thank you for signing up for our 10 MILE race.... Did that say MILE? NO, I wanted 10k - you know 6 miles? It was too late. No refunds on race registration. I decided to train for a 10 mile run because I paid the money and I wasn't going to let it go to waste. So the training began. This was also the summer that we were told Ethan had 6 months to live. We were told in June. I don't remember if it was before or after I signed up for the race. I just knew that running would keep me sane and able to deal with helping Ethan deal with the fact that he was going to die. I trained hard for the race. I know Ethan was scared to die. I knew I couldn't stop it. I knew the only thing I could do was run. I ran for him. He was always amazed when I showed him how far I had run. I asked him if I could use his mp3 player to listen to while I ran. He, of course, agreed...so happy to help his mom finish what seemed to be an unattainable goal.
He went off to Camp Catch a Rainbow for a week and then to Camp Mak-a-Dream for a week. I trained. I prayed a lot when I ran for God to take away Ethan's fears, to let Ethan know that God was with him the whole way.
The first time I ran 9 1/2 miles was at Camp Bil-O-Wood. We went up to pick up the Jared and Erik from what would be Ethan's last time at camp. So many campers came up and talked to him, hugged him, told him they missed him. I ran from our motel out to camp and back. When we drove it, Ethan couldn't believe I ran that far. I told him I didn't think I could do it either but it felt great when I was done. That was the end of August.
The day of his celebration of life party - I ran 10 miles. I remember running the last 1/2 mile crying and saying "this is for you Ethan, it's all I can do for you." I knew the end was near for Ethan. Ethan knew it too. He said so many personal goodbyes that day...sometimes with just with a wink or a look.
Ethan died 2 days later. I ran the bridge run 12 days later...with Ethan's mp3 player, with Ethan's spirit.
I think life is training for a race. Some days its hard. Some days its easy. Then there's the day when you cross the finish line and the feeling is like no other. You can't believe you did it. I like to think that's how Ethan felt when he crossed the finish line into heaven. He did it! He trusted that God would be with him and all the promises made were completed and what total and utter joy he is living!
I just ran my 3rd bridge run. It was hard...I haven't really trained and it was hard. But I did it and I prayed a lot during the run. God never left me and even when I thought I couldn't go anymore, He was there telling me it was okay.
He went off to Camp Catch a Rainbow for a week and then to Camp Mak-a-Dream for a week. I trained. I prayed a lot when I ran for God to take away Ethan's fears, to let Ethan know that God was with him the whole way.
The first time I ran 9 1/2 miles was at Camp Bil-O-Wood. We went up to pick up the Jared and Erik from what would be Ethan's last time at camp. So many campers came up and talked to him, hugged him, told him they missed him. I ran from our motel out to camp and back. When we drove it, Ethan couldn't believe I ran that far. I told him I didn't think I could do it either but it felt great when I was done. That was the end of August.
The day of his celebration of life party - I ran 10 miles. I remember running the last 1/2 mile crying and saying "this is for you Ethan, it's all I can do for you." I knew the end was near for Ethan. Ethan knew it too. He said so many personal goodbyes that day...sometimes with just with a wink or a look.
Ethan died 2 days later. I ran the bridge run 12 days later...with Ethan's mp3 player, with Ethan's spirit.
I think life is training for a race. Some days its hard. Some days its easy. Then there's the day when you cross the finish line and the feeling is like no other. You can't believe you did it. I like to think that's how Ethan felt when he crossed the finish line into heaven. He did it! He trusted that God would be with him and all the promises made were completed and what total and utter joy he is living!
I just ran my 3rd bridge run. It was hard...I haven't really trained and it was hard. But I did it and I prayed a lot during the run. God never left me and even when I thought I couldn't go anymore, He was there telling me it was okay.
Friday, September 3, 2010
September
Had someone told me that there would be a day in my life when I would cherish one month more than all the other months...I would have thought December - love Christmas...used to not allow myself to eat peppermint until December 1 so I could savor the taste of Christmas! Or maybe they were talking about August - my birthday month - the month when we are so happy to be a year older, people tell us how much they love us, we're showered with gifts...
No, the month is September. September is the month I love because my son died in September. I love to re live every day of his last days.
His 7th grade open house - he was so proud to be there, making sure I was introduced to all his teachers, saying hello to all his friends he hadn't seen all summer. His first day of school - up and ready to go at dawn - couldn't wait to get the year started...even though he knew he wouldn't make it the whole year. We all knew he wouldn't make it...but we didn't know it would only be a few days.
His last game of catch with his dad in the yard - he begged his dad to play one more game with him...even though they'd been playing for an hour. Did he know we would relish that moment?
His last Catholic Central Varsity Football game - the players made him honorary captain and he got to do the coin toss! He was so proud!! I missed this game but have been told by so many that Ethan was flying high that night!
Our last walk to McDonald's for an ice cream cone - he had a seizure on the way but wanted to continue. We held the hands the whole way there.... I can still feel his hand in mine, squeezing back, not ashamed to hold his mom's hand at the age of 12. I didn't get a cone, but he did and we walked back laughing about the idea that ice cream is so bad for you yet so good!
His Celebration of Life party - oh I wanted him to feel good for this and yet the tumors had already started taking his life. He woke up Saturday morning with a jump and took a shower so excited to get to the party. But it only took about 15 minutes for his head to start pounding and he just wanted to lie down. I only had one vicadin left...I knew he would need it for the party. So I went to get early to get everything set up. Joe called and said they tried to wake Ethan up but he just wanted to stay in bed. They coaxed him out and got him to the party. I met them in the parking lot. Ethan just wanted to lie down. I was crushed he didn't even notice the We Love You Ethan sign... but also knew he was fighting incredible pain. I told him I had his pain pill and he would be fine in a few minutes. He was. He was incredible for the rest of the day. He talked to people, laughed, sat for pictures - it was just a get gift he gave to everyone that day.
Our last night at home, my brother and his family came over after the party. Their kids usually slept upstairs in our kids' beds. Ethan stayed up with us and then at 10 said he wanted to go to sleep. He usually went to sleep in our bed and then we would move him after my brother left. This night, he wanted to sleep in his bed. My sister-in-law said that's fine, we'll just go home and Ethan got to sleep in his bed one last time. He came to our room about 3 am, just wanting to sleep with us. I was supposed to get up early to go to church, the choir was singing. Joe had already moved to sleep somewhere else and when the alarm went off I rolled over to hold Ethan, I noticed he was very warm and moaning in his sleep. When I tried to wake him, he just said it hurt really bad. I got up and called the doctor. We were to bring him into the hospital. Ethan didn't want to go. He just wanted to stay in our bed. Joe carried him to the car. I drove to ER. Joe stayed home with Erik. I knew when we were driving that it would be the last trip I made to the hospital with him. I knew when I checked him in that I wouldn't be doing that anymore. I wouldn't have to recite his full name and birth date. I knew because Ethan was asleep in a wheel chair not responding to anyone or anything. All previous trips to ER, he was checking himself in! I would just stand there and say that he was right!
One last CT scan - after giving him some pain meds, they took him for one last CT scan. He was able to scoot on the table and lay there. The results came too soon. The tumors had taken over his brain. I asked the doctor if we had hours, days...? She said something like that. She was new to the pediatric oncology team and that day was the first time I had met her. She hugged me and apologized. She talked about hospice. It was Sunday and we probably wouldn't be able to meet with the hospice team until Monday.
One last port poke - Ethan was still moaning and complaining of pain. Morphine was ordered. The ER nurse was trying to access Ethan's port and it wasn't drawing back. I just kept holding Ethan's hand, telling him she was almost done. He had reverted to my 4 year old little boy and kept saying: help me mommy, help me. I kept saying, I'm trying, Ethan. I finally told him I was helping. The nurse pushed the morphine and Ethan screamed that it burned. I just tried to hold him and watched the push. Kept telling him it was almost done as I was asking the nurse why it burned. She said sometimes it does that. The push was over. Ethan lay quietly on the bed, his heart rate normal, asleep. The morphine working in his body. The ER nurse hugged me and apologized. A dear friend from church was there and hugged me. I called Joe and told him we were being admitted...we had to make a decision about hospice. I called our dear nurse who had given me her phone number only days before. Ethan was going to die...there was no coming back from this one.
Our last admittance - We got the big room! I told Ethan - we got it buddy, we got the giant room you wanted but couldn't have before. I hope he knew. So many people came to visit. To say goodbyes to him. He was unconscious and non-responsive but people came.
Our last night together - Sunday evening about 8pm Joe, the boys, everyone said goodbye and left me and Ethan alone. We had decided not to do hospice because the time was going quickly. The pastor that baptized Ethan came up to visit. We talked a while and he blessed Ethan and sang him a beautiful lullaby. Our dear child life friend came up to visit about 10 and said her goodbyes to him. She encouraged me to sleep with Ethan so I would have that memory. I tried but he kept having seizures and it was just too difficult. I went to sleep on the cot begging God to wake me if He was going to take Ethan during the night. At 3 am, I heard Ethan say Mom?. I awoke with a start and went to him. He was cold and breathing was difficult. I buzzed the nurse. She said he was fine. His body was just shutting down. I asked if I should call Joe and she said some children take days of this, some take hours. I called Joe. He, Jared, and Erik arrived about 45 minutes later. We all said our goodbyes to Ethan. One at time. While one was talking to him the rest huddled by the door. When Jared was saying goodbye, I hugged Erik and apologized to him that his life was affected by all this. He responded that it was God's plan, right? He was so bitter and angry. I hugged him harder and told him that I didn't know why but yes, it was God's plan. After we all said our personal goodbyes, we just sat around and talked about Ethan. Joe and I took turns laying down with him. About 6 am, Jared and Erik asked if they could go home. I told them they needed to understand that when we called them it would probably be to say that Ethan had died. They needed to be okay with that. They decided they were.
Our Last Monday morning - a couple of friends come up, my brother and his wife too. We were just waiting for Ethan to take his last breath. Our dear P.A. came in and walked over to say her goodbyes. Her baby had died from SIDS in January. She told Ethan that there was a baby named Joey in heaven that needed to be taken care of. Ethan drew his last breath. I was across the room when I noticed he was turning blue. Joe and I rushed to him. We held his hands and told him it was okay to go. We were going to be fine. Jesus loved him so much more than we did. The doctor came in, his heart was still beating. We just kept rubbing his hands and continued to tell him it was okay to go. My mind was filled with praise music, my heart was bursting with joy - not sadness. I could see the heavens and I watched as my precious son went with Jesus. He was pronounced dead at 10:01.
Our first day without Ethan - the social worker came in, all of our doctors and nurses came in. We hugged, we cried, we talked about what a great kid he was! I called to arrange the funeral. We were filled with such peace. We walked out of the hospital about 1 that day. Without Ethan's body, but with his spirit. We started to learn to live without him physically. It would be the first day without him.
On Sept. 8 it will be two years since we said goodbye to our baby boy. It seems like it was yesterday. I see his pictures everyday, I hear his voice, I feel his hand in mine...everyday. Some days are emotional, some days are not. When the tears do come they are not tears of pain,but just a release for me. A tear to say I remember you, I love you and I can hardly wait to be with you again!
Ahhh...September. Who would have guessed you would mean so much to me?
No, the month is September. September is the month I love because my son died in September. I love to re live every day of his last days.
His 7th grade open house - he was so proud to be there, making sure I was introduced to all his teachers, saying hello to all his friends he hadn't seen all summer. His first day of school - up and ready to go at dawn - couldn't wait to get the year started...even though he knew he wouldn't make it the whole year. We all knew he wouldn't make it...but we didn't know it would only be a few days.
His last game of catch with his dad in the yard - he begged his dad to play one more game with him...even though they'd been playing for an hour. Did he know we would relish that moment?
His last Catholic Central Varsity Football game - the players made him honorary captain and he got to do the coin toss! He was so proud!! I missed this game but have been told by so many that Ethan was flying high that night!
Our last walk to McDonald's for an ice cream cone - he had a seizure on the way but wanted to continue. We held the hands the whole way there.... I can still feel his hand in mine, squeezing back, not ashamed to hold his mom's hand at the age of 12. I didn't get a cone, but he did and we walked back laughing about the idea that ice cream is so bad for you yet so good!
His Celebration of Life party - oh I wanted him to feel good for this and yet the tumors had already started taking his life. He woke up Saturday morning with a jump and took a shower so excited to get to the party. But it only took about 15 minutes for his head to start pounding and he just wanted to lie down. I only had one vicadin left...I knew he would need it for the party. So I went to get early to get everything set up. Joe called and said they tried to wake Ethan up but he just wanted to stay in bed. They coaxed him out and got him to the party. I met them in the parking lot. Ethan just wanted to lie down. I was crushed he didn't even notice the We Love You Ethan sign... but also knew he was fighting incredible pain. I told him I had his pain pill and he would be fine in a few minutes. He was. He was incredible for the rest of the day. He talked to people, laughed, sat for pictures - it was just a get gift he gave to everyone that day.
Our last night at home, my brother and his family came over after the party. Their kids usually slept upstairs in our kids' beds. Ethan stayed up with us and then at 10 said he wanted to go to sleep. He usually went to sleep in our bed and then we would move him after my brother left. This night, he wanted to sleep in his bed. My sister-in-law said that's fine, we'll just go home and Ethan got to sleep in his bed one last time. He came to our room about 3 am, just wanting to sleep with us. I was supposed to get up early to go to church, the choir was singing. Joe had already moved to sleep somewhere else and when the alarm went off I rolled over to hold Ethan, I noticed he was very warm and moaning in his sleep. When I tried to wake him, he just said it hurt really bad. I got up and called the doctor. We were to bring him into the hospital. Ethan didn't want to go. He just wanted to stay in our bed. Joe carried him to the car. I drove to ER. Joe stayed home with Erik. I knew when we were driving that it would be the last trip I made to the hospital with him. I knew when I checked him in that I wouldn't be doing that anymore. I wouldn't have to recite his full name and birth date. I knew because Ethan was asleep in a wheel chair not responding to anyone or anything. All previous trips to ER, he was checking himself in! I would just stand there and say that he was right!
One last CT scan - after giving him some pain meds, they took him for one last CT scan. He was able to scoot on the table and lay there. The results came too soon. The tumors had taken over his brain. I asked the doctor if we had hours, days...? She said something like that. She was new to the pediatric oncology team and that day was the first time I had met her. She hugged me and apologized. She talked about hospice. It was Sunday and we probably wouldn't be able to meet with the hospice team until Monday.
One last port poke - Ethan was still moaning and complaining of pain. Morphine was ordered. The ER nurse was trying to access Ethan's port and it wasn't drawing back. I just kept holding Ethan's hand, telling him she was almost done. He had reverted to my 4 year old little boy and kept saying: help me mommy, help me. I kept saying, I'm trying, Ethan. I finally told him I was helping. The nurse pushed the morphine and Ethan screamed that it burned. I just tried to hold him and watched the push. Kept telling him it was almost done as I was asking the nurse why it burned. She said sometimes it does that. The push was over. Ethan lay quietly on the bed, his heart rate normal, asleep. The morphine working in his body. The ER nurse hugged me and apologized. A dear friend from church was there and hugged me. I called Joe and told him we were being admitted...we had to make a decision about hospice. I called our dear nurse who had given me her phone number only days before. Ethan was going to die...there was no coming back from this one.
Our last admittance - We got the big room! I told Ethan - we got it buddy, we got the giant room you wanted but couldn't have before. I hope he knew. So many people came to visit. To say goodbyes to him. He was unconscious and non-responsive but people came.
Our last night together - Sunday evening about 8pm Joe, the boys, everyone said goodbye and left me and Ethan alone. We had decided not to do hospice because the time was going quickly. The pastor that baptized Ethan came up to visit. We talked a while and he blessed Ethan and sang him a beautiful lullaby. Our dear child life friend came up to visit about 10 and said her goodbyes to him. She encouraged me to sleep with Ethan so I would have that memory. I tried but he kept having seizures and it was just too difficult. I went to sleep on the cot begging God to wake me if He was going to take Ethan during the night. At 3 am, I heard Ethan say Mom?. I awoke with a start and went to him. He was cold and breathing was difficult. I buzzed the nurse. She said he was fine. His body was just shutting down. I asked if I should call Joe and she said some children take days of this, some take hours. I called Joe. He, Jared, and Erik arrived about 45 minutes later. We all said our goodbyes to Ethan. One at time. While one was talking to him the rest huddled by the door. When Jared was saying goodbye, I hugged Erik and apologized to him that his life was affected by all this. He responded that it was God's plan, right? He was so bitter and angry. I hugged him harder and told him that I didn't know why but yes, it was God's plan. After we all said our personal goodbyes, we just sat around and talked about Ethan. Joe and I took turns laying down with him. About 6 am, Jared and Erik asked if they could go home. I told them they needed to understand that when we called them it would probably be to say that Ethan had died. They needed to be okay with that. They decided they were.
Our Last Monday morning - a couple of friends come up, my brother and his wife too. We were just waiting for Ethan to take his last breath. Our dear P.A. came in and walked over to say her goodbyes. Her baby had died from SIDS in January. She told Ethan that there was a baby named Joey in heaven that needed to be taken care of. Ethan drew his last breath. I was across the room when I noticed he was turning blue. Joe and I rushed to him. We held his hands and told him it was okay to go. We were going to be fine. Jesus loved him so much more than we did. The doctor came in, his heart was still beating. We just kept rubbing his hands and continued to tell him it was okay to go. My mind was filled with praise music, my heart was bursting with joy - not sadness. I could see the heavens and I watched as my precious son went with Jesus. He was pronounced dead at 10:01.
Our first day without Ethan - the social worker came in, all of our doctors and nurses came in. We hugged, we cried, we talked about what a great kid he was! I called to arrange the funeral. We were filled with such peace. We walked out of the hospital about 1 that day. Without Ethan's body, but with his spirit. We started to learn to live without him physically. It would be the first day without him.
On Sept. 8 it will be two years since we said goodbye to our baby boy. It seems like it was yesterday. I see his pictures everyday, I hear his voice, I feel his hand in mine...everyday. Some days are emotional, some days are not. When the tears do come they are not tears of pain,but just a release for me. A tear to say I remember you, I love you and I can hardly wait to be with you again!
Ahhh...September. Who would have guessed you would mean so much to me?
Monday, July 19, 2010
Confession
I admit it...I love Barbara Streisand and her movies. One in particular - Yentl - for some reason really touched my heart at the age of 18.
One of the songs she sang has a line that goes something like - "There are moments you remember all your life....these are one of those moments"
I remember Ethan throwing his whole body on my back as I was sitting in the living room at my brother's house two days before he died. I remember how unusual it was for him to do that. He was a front hugger but he literally covered my body with his and just hugged me...
I remember holding his hand as his heart beat its last beats. He had already stopped breathing and I was hearing praise songs in my head and rubbing his hand and telling him it was okay to go. Jesus loved him so much more than we did and that we were going to be okay. I remember telling him he did it! He fought the good fight and now was his prize.
I remember when he was about 3 years old and we were driving in the car and he was laughing and smiling and I asked him what was so funny and he just looked at me and said "Mom, I'm just so happy"
There are moments you remember all your life.....these are some of those moments.
One of the songs she sang has a line that goes something like - "There are moments you remember all your life....these are one of those moments"
I remember Ethan throwing his whole body on my back as I was sitting in the living room at my brother's house two days before he died. I remember how unusual it was for him to do that. He was a front hugger but he literally covered my body with his and just hugged me...
I remember holding his hand as his heart beat its last beats. He had already stopped breathing and I was hearing praise songs in my head and rubbing his hand and telling him it was okay to go. Jesus loved him so much more than we did and that we were going to be okay. I remember telling him he did it! He fought the good fight and now was his prize.
I remember when he was about 3 years old and we were driving in the car and he was laughing and smiling and I asked him what was so funny and he just looked at me and said "Mom, I'm just so happy"
There are moments you remember all your life.....these are some of those moments.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)