Tomorrow, November 19, I will celebrate the birth of my third child! Ethan was born at 7:37AM. He was the third and final son to be born on a Sunday! My labor was less than 6 hours with him and I remember when the doctor held him up and then placed him on my chest, how blessed I felt. My heart felt like it would burst with love just like it did when Jared and Erik were born. Ethan looked like his brothers - we joked with our nurses that there was no reason to put a hospital band on him....he was definitely a McGraw!
The other boys had a cross stitch birth announcement done with in months of them being born. I made them each one that said their names, birth weight, height, and time. For some reason I didn't get around to getting Ethan's finished until he was diagnosed with cancer. I remember feeling awful that my son could die and I didn't even record his birth! So a cross stitch was finished when Ethan was 7 years old announcing his birth. He was happy to finally have one and I was glad to finally have a record that he was here.
This will be the 5th birthday we celebrate without Ethan physically. For some reason, this one is making me quite emotional. Little things all week have popped up that have just taken my breath away with memories....children that come up from behind me and hug me - just the way Ethan did a couple of days before he died....somebody said "what's up? Chicken butt" today- Joe and Ethan used to say this to each other all the time....I watched a mom and middle school child hold hands today in church and I was reminded of walking to McDonald's for the last time with Ethan - we held hands on the way there.
Tomorrow I will remember and celebrate the life of my third child - an incredible gift given to me by an incredible God and I am so thankful!
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Time forgotten, Time Remembered
Chamber Choir is working on a piece of music called Alzheimer's Stories. It's about the disease. The piece is divided into 3 movements: The Numbers, The Stories, The Caregivers. It's an extremely moving piece of music. The lyrics, the music, the emotion....
I finally figured out tonight why I cry my way through most of the music - which is really not good! Music is a part of my soul. I think without music a part of me would die. I am constantly singing either in my head, out loud, or in my heart. It is a very emotional part of me. Now add to that words....words like "I've lost myself" ""Time forgotten, time remembered""Keep faith. They sense what they cannot show" "Love and music are the last things to go" "Love and compassion repair every loss."
It sends me right to the very raw emotions of Ethan's last days....his entire journey. No...it wasn't Alzheimer's. It was the loss of a life I had planned from day I found out I was pregnant. There's the plan and there's what really happens....we have learned that lesson.
My heart aches for those - 1 in 85 people worldwide - who are living with Alzheimer's....and the spouses, the children, the siblings, friends, the list can go on and on....
For me....whenever I sing this piece....I am taken right back to Ethan..the day he was diagnosed....the 5 1/2 year journey....the end....he sensed what he couldn't show....when he did only have love and music.....such a powerful piece....such an emotional ride for me.
I can only begin to understand how the people in our choir and Grand Rapids Women's Chorus (they are joining us for this concert) that are directly affected by Alzheimer's their emotional ride.
I finally figured out tonight why I cry my way through most of the music - which is really not good! Music is a part of my soul. I think without music a part of me would die. I am constantly singing either in my head, out loud, or in my heart. It is a very emotional part of me. Now add to that words....words like "I've lost myself" ""Time forgotten, time remembered""Keep faith. They sense what they cannot show" "Love and music are the last things to go" "Love and compassion repair every loss."
It sends me right to the very raw emotions of Ethan's last days....his entire journey. No...it wasn't Alzheimer's. It was the loss of a life I had planned from day I found out I was pregnant. There's the plan and there's what really happens....we have learned that lesson.
My heart aches for those - 1 in 85 people worldwide - who are living with Alzheimer's....and the spouses, the children, the siblings, friends, the list can go on and on....
For me....whenever I sing this piece....I am taken right back to Ethan..the day he was diagnosed....the 5 1/2 year journey....the end....he sensed what he couldn't show....when he did only have love and music.....such a powerful piece....such an emotional ride for me.
I can only begin to understand how the people in our choir and Grand Rapids Women's Chorus (they are joining us for this concert) that are directly affected by Alzheimer's their emotional ride.
Friday, September 7, 2012
4 years
4 years....the time we spend in high school.....the time a college attributes to a bachelor's degree....the age when children continually ask the question why.
It's been 4 years since Ethan died. 4 years ago I was sitting in an immense hospital room gazing at my son, knowing that I would never hear him speak again, that he would not open his eyes and look at me, that it was time for me to say goodbye.
Our pastor stopped by to say a blessing and sang a beautiful lullaby to Ethan..I stood alongside and wept silently...even though Ethan was 12...almost 13, death meant no more lullabies for me, no more hugs and kisses goodnight, no more saying...."Just go to bed"...
I prayed with Pastor and we said our goodnights....I was left alone with this child that God had blessed me with....that God had entrusted to me....and now it was time to say goodbye....time to return him to his Heavenly Father.
The same Heavenly Father who held both of us that night....who stayed by our sides....weeping with me and encouraging Ethan....quietly telling both of us that all would be well....
I am so thankful for the time that we were blessed with Ethan's soul....were they always good times and laughter? No....Was I a perfect parent? No....just ask my other two sons!! Was Ethan a perfect child? No...again...ask the sons!! But we did have a perfect Father that we entrusted our lives to and because of that...He walked through the valley of the shadow of death with us...Ethan came out on one side and we came out on the other. Oh, Death, where is thy sting???
So thankful for angels singing, for beauty beyond description, for indescribable joy on September 8, 2008 at 10:10am....
4 years...seems like yesterday.
It's been 4 years since Ethan died. 4 years ago I was sitting in an immense hospital room gazing at my son, knowing that I would never hear him speak again, that he would not open his eyes and look at me, that it was time for me to say goodbye.
Our pastor stopped by to say a blessing and sang a beautiful lullaby to Ethan..I stood alongside and wept silently...even though Ethan was 12...almost 13, death meant no more lullabies for me, no more hugs and kisses goodnight, no more saying...."Just go to bed"...
I prayed with Pastor and we said our goodnights....I was left alone with this child that God had blessed me with....that God had entrusted to me....and now it was time to say goodbye....time to return him to his Heavenly Father.
The same Heavenly Father who held both of us that night....who stayed by our sides....weeping with me and encouraging Ethan....quietly telling both of us that all would be well....
I am so thankful for the time that we were blessed with Ethan's soul....were they always good times and laughter? No....Was I a perfect parent? No....just ask my other two sons!! Was Ethan a perfect child? No...again...ask the sons!! But we did have a perfect Father that we entrusted our lives to and because of that...He walked through the valley of the shadow of death with us...Ethan came out on one side and we came out on the other. Oh, Death, where is thy sting???
So thankful for angels singing, for beauty beyond description, for indescribable joy on September 8, 2008 at 10:10am....
4 years...seems like yesterday.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Wow...haven't written in 6 months...life must be busy! Well, it is. I love every thing that I am involved in and it is so hard to say no to something that you love to do! So...teaching is number one on the plate: M - F 7:30am - 3:30pm, singing is in a tie with running: Chamber Choir Tues. 7:30 - 9:30pm Church choir Th. 7 - 8:30pm Worship team - M. 6:30 - 8pm Sat. 11am - 12:30pm (only once a month). Running: just getting back into the schedule: M - 4 miles, T - speedwork, W - rest, TH - Hills, FRI - rest, Sat - long run. Sundays - absolutely love - traditional worship - 8:30am, teach 6th, 7th, & 8th grade S.S. 9:50 - 10:50, contemporary worship 11am. Usually help out with small group confirmation 6-7:30pm - about 3 Sundays a month and when I'm not doing that LOVE helping out with High School Youth group twice a month. Then you add in Gilda's which is on an occasional basis on Wednesday's 5:30 - 7:30pm and bible Study on Thurs. mornings at 6:30am, breakfast with friends on Wed. mornings 6:30am, parent meetings, presentations at the Libraries and my life is pretty full. LOVE IT ALL!!!
Today, ran into someone at Meijer who I know through a grief group and she asked me how I was doing...I told her that I am so happy Ethan is heaven. She just smiled and told me that kinda emanates from me. As I was walking through the store, I thought...I am so completely at peace with Ethan's death. So glad that he is not living on this earth any longer; that he is in complete and total peace, joy and love. Dancing and singing his little heart out - what joy this brings my heart~ I am so thankful that there is no void...that I just have complete and total peace, knowing that my boy is living the life that is meant for all of us!
So as I passed the Valentine display, this adorable little monkey caught my eye. (Ethan named himself Monk-Monk and had several stuffed monkeys). I bought it and it's sitting next the computer so whenever I sit down to work or play I can see cute thing that just makes me smile as I remember my son and all the joy he brought me!
"Rejoice in the LORD always,I will say it again; Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4 -6
Monday, August 29, 2011
And so it begins....
School started back up this week...my new kids started orientation today! It was a beautiful day and the kids did really well.
Running is going well also...I plan to run the Grand Rapids Marathon in October so I have been training most of the summer.
But what has kept my mind full no matter how hard I try to shake it is memories of August and September 3 years ago. I was training for my first 10 mile run - the Bridge Run here in Grand Rapids (I will be running this this year also). I was welcoming new students to school. And I was anticipating the death of my youngest son.
I knew it was coming...the doctors had told me in June that I would have 6 months with him but Ethan was on different timing. His speech was slurred, he had gained almost 20 pounds in 2 months, and he was having mini-seizures. I was trying to memorize every moment...I knew the moments would not be forever.
Ethan knew it was coming too. He never said anything to me but in his actions he told us that his body was shutting down.
So it begins the rollercoaster of memories that I have found comes to me every year about the end of August and will end about the middle of September. Yes, tears fall, yes, there is laughter, yes, there is sadness. But at the end of the ride, I get off knowing that Ethan is home...waiting for me and all of us. I'm thankful for his homecoming and wait patiently for the day my vacation will end.
Running is going well also...I plan to run the Grand Rapids Marathon in October so I have been training most of the summer.
But what has kept my mind full no matter how hard I try to shake it is memories of August and September 3 years ago. I was training for my first 10 mile run - the Bridge Run here in Grand Rapids (I will be running this this year also). I was welcoming new students to school. And I was anticipating the death of my youngest son.
I knew it was coming...the doctors had told me in June that I would have 6 months with him but Ethan was on different timing. His speech was slurred, he had gained almost 20 pounds in 2 months, and he was having mini-seizures. I was trying to memorize every moment...I knew the moments would not be forever.
Ethan knew it was coming too. He never said anything to me but in his actions he told us that his body was shutting down.
So it begins the rollercoaster of memories that I have found comes to me every year about the end of August and will end about the middle of September. Yes, tears fall, yes, there is laughter, yes, there is sadness. But at the end of the ride, I get off knowing that Ethan is home...waiting for me and all of us. I'm thankful for his homecoming and wait patiently for the day my vacation will end.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Wow...
SO I ran the Kalamazoo Marathon on May 8...came in at 4:47...8 minutes slower than my first Marathon last May. You think so much when you run...especially when you don't have music. Most marathon races request that you run without music and I oblige. ANYWAY...during the run I couldn't help thinking how running was MY thing...not really God's. All the races I run, really focus on me and not Him. Is that okay? I don't know. The thought occurred to me more than once to not run "long" races anymore because the focus was on MY ability and not on what God has blessed me with.
Then 6 days later I ran the 25k at the Fifth Third in Grand Rapids. During the week, my quads hurt so bad I couldn't even go out for a small run. So I decided that my thoughts were true and God was showing me what a total idiot I was for placing all my faith in myself and not in Him! Race day arrived and I was pumped...not sure if I would be able to run it under 3 hours but lined up just ahead of the 10 minute pacers who would finish at 2:36.
God is so incredibly awesome! I have only run the 25k(15.5 miles) 3 times. The first time I was totally exhausted at mile 11 and finished at 2:50. The 2nd time, I actually trained but still had to walk/run from exhaustion at mile 13 and finished at 2:34:26. The third time - this year - after running 26.2 miles 6 days earlier; I not only finished 5 seconds earlier at 2:34:21 but I didn't walk - I was never exhausted! I was so filled with the Holy Spirit through the whole run it was a religious experience! That time of 2:34:21 is God's time...not mine. He ran that race with me and it was the most fabulous thing I have ever done! It was like when Ethan went to heaven. My heart was bursting with joy on that run...I had no idea I was even running!!
Okay...so fast forward to yesterday when I picked up Saint Augustine's Confessions for the 4th time to read in the past 2 years. I start reading about when he was young - in his 20's I think - and a very close friend of his dies. He is in complete and total grief and sorrow. He explains how he felt like half his soul is missing because this friend filled up that half. He didn't want to be anywhere that reminded him of his friend because of the pain it caused him. The places that they frequented were not the same...Augustine was in total anguish. Then he says something profound. Note that his confessions were written when he was much older and wiser. He basically said the reason that his friend's death caused him so much pain was because he loved his friend more than God. He placed his love and trust in a human being who he knew would die, instead of in God who never dies.
WOW...what a statement. At first I couldn't believe what I was reading but then...how many times have I said, " I couldn't have gotten through that without Joe or friends or doctors or nurses " because they were right there helping me holding me. But guess what? GOD was right there helping me, holding me. AND if I believe the verse in Matthew 22:37 (Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind) doesn't that mean that I love God MORE than my husband, my friends, even my children? AND if I believe the verse in Hebrews 13: 5 & 6 (Never will I leave you or forsake you So we say with confidence: "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid, What can man do to me?" then I must confess that I do love the Lord more. Wow.
Then 6 days later I ran the 25k at the Fifth Third in Grand Rapids. During the week, my quads hurt so bad I couldn't even go out for a small run. So I decided that my thoughts were true and God was showing me what a total idiot I was for placing all my faith in myself and not in Him! Race day arrived and I was pumped...not sure if I would be able to run it under 3 hours but lined up just ahead of the 10 minute pacers who would finish at 2:36.
God is so incredibly awesome! I have only run the 25k(15.5 miles) 3 times. The first time I was totally exhausted at mile 11 and finished at 2:50. The 2nd time, I actually trained but still had to walk/run from exhaustion at mile 13 and finished at 2:34:26. The third time - this year - after running 26.2 miles 6 days earlier; I not only finished 5 seconds earlier at 2:34:21 but I didn't walk - I was never exhausted! I was so filled with the Holy Spirit through the whole run it was a religious experience! That time of 2:34:21 is God's time...not mine. He ran that race with me and it was the most fabulous thing I have ever done! It was like when Ethan went to heaven. My heart was bursting with joy on that run...I had no idea I was even running!!
Okay...so fast forward to yesterday when I picked up Saint Augustine's Confessions for the 4th time to read in the past 2 years. I start reading about when he was young - in his 20's I think - and a very close friend of his dies. He is in complete and total grief and sorrow. He explains how he felt like half his soul is missing because this friend filled up that half. He didn't want to be anywhere that reminded him of his friend because of the pain it caused him. The places that they frequented were not the same...Augustine was in total anguish. Then he says something profound. Note that his confessions were written when he was much older and wiser. He basically said the reason that his friend's death caused him so much pain was because he loved his friend more than God. He placed his love and trust in a human being who he knew would die, instead of in God who never dies.
WOW...what a statement. At first I couldn't believe what I was reading but then...how many times have I said, " I couldn't have gotten through that without Joe or friends or doctors or nurses " because they were right there helping me holding me. But guess what? GOD was right there helping me, holding me. AND if I believe the verse in Matthew 22:37 (Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind) doesn't that mean that I love God MORE than my husband, my friends, even my children? AND if I believe the verse in Hebrews 13: 5 & 6 (Never will I leave you or forsake you So we say with confidence: "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid, What can man do to me?" then I must confess that I do love the Lord more. Wow.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Good Friday
I get asked a lot what is so "good" about Good Friday. Why do Christians "celebrate" the day Jesus died?
Well, let me tell you today was not a celebration. Our church has a Tre Ore (Three Hours' Agony)service from Noon to Three. It is seven 25 minute "services" focusing on the seven last words of Christ. Today, I cried probably 7 times during that service - mostly during music. Amazed at what Christ did for me...a horrible wretched sinner who can't even give up Facebook for 40 days without lamenting! Yet, Christ took on all of our sin, let people beat him beyond human recognition, nail him to a tree and then still asked his father to forgive us because we didn't know what we were doing.
So at 3 pm I was sorrowful, remorseful, and on the verge of grieving.
I had some time before the evening service and took a walk from our church. I anticipated walking to the Starbucks in the Amway Grand but it started raining as I was walking so I changed my route and I ended up at Crescent Park by Van Andel Institute, looking at Ethan's memorial brick. I just said "I love you buddy" and then walked up to hospital to get a coffee at the cafeteria. It was fitting to be there today as I remembered several walks in the back door with Ethan. This time I pushed 1 instead of 7 on the elevator button and when I walked into the cafeteria it was eerie still to go and get a cup of coffee without stopping to look at the chips, ice cream, and candy. I left having triumphed the trip without a tear drop.
Rehearsal for the evening service proved very moving and I cried a lot. I knew that the evening service would be difficult.
The tears started flowing at Michael W. Smith's Lord Have Mercy. How could anyone love me so much that they would go through all that so I can live eternally? How horrible for God to have to turn his back on his only son when he was in such extreme pain so that I could be with him? As the song states: What wondrous love is this, o my soul...
Tonight, we were allowed to walk up and nail our "sin" to a cross...I took a hammer and pounded a nail into the cross and then sat in my pew and sobbed. Jesus, name above all names, died on a cross for me, for you, for all.
After the sound of the stone being rolled in front of the tomb, we left the church in silence.
I have always been mournful on Good Friday but since Ethan died I have been more so. Because if Christ didn't do what he did, MY son would not be living eternally. I would not be filled with peace that passes all understanding because I know Ethan is joyfully dancing and singing in the heavens.
What's Good about Good Friday? My God....that's what's good!
Well, let me tell you today was not a celebration. Our church has a Tre Ore (Three Hours' Agony)service from Noon to Three. It is seven 25 minute "services" focusing on the seven last words of Christ. Today, I cried probably 7 times during that service - mostly during music. Amazed at what Christ did for me...a horrible wretched sinner who can't even give up Facebook for 40 days without lamenting! Yet, Christ took on all of our sin, let people beat him beyond human recognition, nail him to a tree and then still asked his father to forgive us because we didn't know what we were doing.
So at 3 pm I was sorrowful, remorseful, and on the verge of grieving.
I had some time before the evening service and took a walk from our church. I anticipated walking to the Starbucks in the Amway Grand but it started raining as I was walking so I changed my route and I ended up at Crescent Park by Van Andel Institute, looking at Ethan's memorial brick. I just said "I love you buddy" and then walked up to hospital to get a coffee at the cafeteria. It was fitting to be there today as I remembered several walks in the back door with Ethan. This time I pushed 1 instead of 7 on the elevator button and when I walked into the cafeteria it was eerie still to go and get a cup of coffee without stopping to look at the chips, ice cream, and candy. I left having triumphed the trip without a tear drop.
Rehearsal for the evening service proved very moving and I cried a lot. I knew that the evening service would be difficult.
The tears started flowing at Michael W. Smith's Lord Have Mercy. How could anyone love me so much that they would go through all that so I can live eternally? How horrible for God to have to turn his back on his only son when he was in such extreme pain so that I could be with him? As the song states: What wondrous love is this, o my soul...
Tonight, we were allowed to walk up and nail our "sin" to a cross...I took a hammer and pounded a nail into the cross and then sat in my pew and sobbed. Jesus, name above all names, died on a cross for me, for you, for all.
After the sound of the stone being rolled in front of the tomb, we left the church in silence.
I have always been mournful on Good Friday but since Ethan died I have been more so. Because if Christ didn't do what he did, MY son would not be living eternally. I would not be filled with peace that passes all understanding because I know Ethan is joyfully dancing and singing in the heavens.
What's Good about Good Friday? My God....that's what's good!
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