Confession

I admit it...I love Barbara Streisand and her movies. One in particular - Yentl - for some reason really touched my heart at the age of 18.
One of the songs she sang has a line that goes something like - "There are moments you remember all your life....these are one of those moments"

I remember Ethan throwing his whole body on my back as I was sitting in the living room at my brother's house two days before he died. I remember how unusual it was for him to do that. He was a front hugger but he literally covered my body with his and just hugged me...
I remember holding his hand as his heart beat its last beats. He had already stopped breathing and I was hearing praise songs in my head and rubbing his hand and telling him it was okay to go. Jesus loved him so much more than we did and that we were going to be okay. I remember telling him he did it! He fought the good fight and now was his prize.
I remember when he was about 3 years old and we were driving in the car and he was laughing and smiling and I asked him what was so funny and he just looked at me and said "Mom, I'm just so happy"

There are moments you remember all your life.....these are some of those moments.

Grades

I got my grades for the last Master's class. I got an A. I was extremely nervous because of a project that didn't get graded until after the class ended.
This got me thinking...
Am I as nervous about the grade God is giving me? Am I at all concerned about my grade point average with Him? How many projects did I completely screw up? How many points did I get marked down for being absent?
Yes, God forgives, and in the end we all get A's. But what about the day to day living right now?
The syllabus is there - the bible. The rubric is written - the ten commandments. All I have to do is do it....

How?

How is it I can't hear your voice? Or sense you walking into a room? Have I forgotten you completely?
No...my heart knows you best...memories of laughter,tears shed, and hugs felt. I loved you as only a parent can and yet...I'm starting to forget.
Oh, I forgot with your brothers too...but I can see them and listen to them. They live not only in my heart but in my life too.
I just want you to know that I'm trying to remember, trying to hold on, trying to never forget.
I KNOW I will see you again, oh, I long for the day...I love you, buddy.......always.

Thoughts

It's Confirmation Sunday at church next week. Tonight I went and watched the confirmands give their profession of faith. It was wonderful to hear how God has worked in them and how deeply rooted their faith is. This is the year Ethan would have been confirmed. It was bittersweet to hear his friend say that having faith means you're not afraid to die that death doesn't mean it's over.
I've not had the feelings of this "would of have been" about Ethan until this last week. I'm not sure if Erik graduating is bringing it on or if I am just so overwhelmed that I am allowing those thoughts to occur. I don't like them, I don't like the pain associated with them and when they happen I pray that God take them away and I tell Satan to get behind me. It's so easy to be sucked in by grief, so easy to wallow in the pain and the suffering, so easy that Satan brings it every moment he can.

I know that Ethan's life was supposed to be exactly what it was and I know that I will see him again in heaven. There's no need for me to think about the would's or should's because in my mind, it happened the way it was supposed to.

"I will not boast in anything, no gifts, no power no wisdom. But I will boast in Jesus Christ, his death and resurrection." lyrics from "How Deep the Father's Love for Us" by Stuart Townsend.

There's the plan

So today...I actually said something out loud that I have only ever thought about in the recesses of my mind. And when I said it out loud...the world didn't come to an end, I didn't cry, and I was at total peace. Wow... so does this mean I need to follow through or is it just that it's okay to say it aloud and think it...
I know - confusing.
It is for me too. I'm praying tons and trying to be still and listen.

almost there

Well, I finished the Chamber Choir Concert, I finished the class and the marathon is just 4 short weeks away.
A new agenda has landed in my lap now...2 new classes that start Monday, Chamber Choir recording a Christmas CD on May 25 and in the midst of this, Erik is graduating high school on the 19th with an open house on the 23rd.
I can only close my eyes some-days and just live for that moment. To think ahead to the future is just so overwhelming! So I made it through this far and God will carry me to where he wants me go!
The 5/3 race is Saturday and I am looking forward to running that and hopefully raise some funds for We Do Care.

"The Lord is my portion," Says my soul, "Therefore, I have hope in Him." Lamentations 3:24

Ethan's Funraiser

We have decided to start raising money for different organizations in honor of Ethan! We're calling them Funraisers!

The first one will be for We Do Care. A local organization that gives to children with cancer. They were very kind to Ethan and we just want to give back a little!

I've created an event on facebook - sorry if you are getting this twice - so just click on the link below and it should take you to it!

Ethan's Funraiser for We Do Care

Basically, I'm running the 25k at the Riverbank on May 8 and the Bayshore Marathon in Traverse City on May 29 in honor of Ethan. I'm asking for donations to We Do Care in his name. We're hopeful to give them $1000.00!

You can send checks or money orders to We Do Care 759 Hachmuth Drive Comstock Park, Michigan 49321. They are a non-profit organization.

We are doing well and are learning to live with Ethan's memory instead of him. Some days are better than others, but we know that he is doing the dance of joy with Jesus and we can hardly wait to see him again!

I'll leave you with a photo I found of him on his first day of school in 2006 - heading off to 5th grade! My sweet boy! How I love him!!

The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. Hebrews 11:1 MSG version