Thoughts

It's Confirmation Sunday at church next week. Tonight I went and watched the confirmands give their profession of faith. It was wonderful to hear how God has worked in them and how deeply rooted their faith is. This is the year Ethan would have been confirmed. It was bittersweet to hear his friend say that having faith means you're not afraid to die that death doesn't mean it's over.
I've not had the feelings of this "would of have been" about Ethan until this last week. I'm not sure if Erik graduating is bringing it on or if I am just so overwhelmed that I am allowing those thoughts to occur. I don't like them, I don't like the pain associated with them and when they happen I pray that God take them away and I tell Satan to get behind me. It's so easy to be sucked in by grief, so easy to wallow in the pain and the suffering, so easy that Satan brings it every moment he can.

I know that Ethan's life was supposed to be exactly what it was and I know that I will see him again in heaven. There's no need for me to think about the would's or should's because in my mind, it happened the way it was supposed to.

"I will not boast in anything, no gifts, no power no wisdom. But I will boast in Jesus Christ, his death and resurrection." lyrics from "How Deep the Father's Love for Us" by Stuart Townsend.

There's the plan

So today...I actually said something out loud that I have only ever thought about in the recesses of my mind. And when I said it out loud...the world didn't come to an end, I didn't cry, and I was at total peace. Wow... so does this mean I need to follow through or is it just that it's okay to say it aloud and think it...
I know - confusing.
It is for me too. I'm praying tons and trying to be still and listen.

almost there

Well, I finished the Chamber Choir Concert, I finished the class and the marathon is just 4 short weeks away.
A new agenda has landed in my lap now...2 new classes that start Monday, Chamber Choir recording a Christmas CD on May 25 and in the midst of this, Erik is graduating high school on the 19th with an open house on the 23rd.
I can only close my eyes some-days and just live for that moment. To think ahead to the future is just so overwhelming! So I made it through this far and God will carry me to where he wants me go!
The 5/3 race is Saturday and I am looking forward to running that and hopefully raise some funds for We Do Care.

"The Lord is my portion," Says my soul, "Therefore, I have hope in Him." Lamentations 3:24

Ethan's Funraiser

We have decided to start raising money for different organizations in honor of Ethan! We're calling them Funraisers!

The first one will be for We Do Care. A local organization that gives to children with cancer. They were very kind to Ethan and we just want to give back a little!

I've created an event on facebook - sorry if you are getting this twice - so just click on the link below and it should take you to it!

Ethan's Funraiser for We Do Care

Basically, I'm running the 25k at the Riverbank on May 8 and the Bayshore Marathon in Traverse City on May 29 in honor of Ethan. I'm asking for donations to We Do Care in his name. We're hopeful to give them $1000.00!

You can send checks or money orders to We Do Care 759 Hachmuth Drive Comstock Park, Michigan 49321. They are a non-profit organization.

We are doing well and are learning to live with Ethan's memory instead of him. Some days are better than others, but we know that he is doing the dance of joy with Jesus and we can hardly wait to see him again!

I'll leave you with a photo I found of him on his first day of school in 2006 - heading off to 5th grade! My sweet boy! How I love him!!

The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. Hebrews 11:1 MSG version

Chamber concert

Chamber Choir concert was Sunday. It went really well and I thoroughly enjoyed singing in it. It is such a group of talented people that sometimes I think I'm not worthy to be in it!

So one thing down, two to go. My grad class finishes in about 3 weeks and the marathon is 9 weeks off. I just signed up for my summer grad classes - one meets on Mon. & Wed. from May til the end of June - 6 - 9:30pm...yikes!

There is rest coming with spring break! Once we make it to Easter Sunday afternoon...then I have a full week with nothing but running scheduled! Looking forward to spring cleaning and good will giving!

I can do this?

My life has suddenly become...."aaaaaahhhhh" (can you hear me screaming and trying to hold on).

I have no idea what I was thinking when I planned this semester out:
Monday: 5:30am rise work til 3 tutor til 4 teach a parenting class from 6:30 - 8pm
Tuesday: 6:30 rise work til 3 Chamber choir 7:30 - 9:30pm
Wednesday: 5:30 rise work til 3 Master Class 6:00 - 8:50pm
Thursday:5:30 rise Bible Study 6:30 work til 3:00 tutor til 4:00 Church choir 7:00 -8:30
Friday: 6:30 rise work til 3 dinner and fun with family til 11pm
Saturday: rest, rest, rest Dinner with family and fun til 11pm
Sunday: 7:00 rise Church til 11:30am school at 3:00 til 4:00

Now you also have to add into this: grocery shopping, training for a marathon - long runs on Saturdays, the Masters class has a 20 hour out of classroom instruction requirement and 10 hours of assessment not to mention the writing involved. Some how find time to be loving and valuable to my family!

What was I thinking? I was thinking that Chamber choir is done at the end of March, the Masters class is done at the end of April and the Marathon is at the end of May. You can do this...

skunks and cancer

I went to Gilda's grief group tonight...I haven't been in ages but I knew I needed to be with people who would readily talk about "dead kids". You might think this group is all about crying and sadness but it is not. We truly laugh about some things and we share deep dark emotions that people who have not had a child die would understand. We are all at different stages of grief and we all experience grief differently but we do indeed grieve.
Tonight the discussion centered around "the elephant in the room" phenomenon that happens at holiday gatherings or any gathering for people who have experienced a death in the family. It reminded me of a time when our beloved dog - not so beloved when this happened - was sprayed by a skunk at 6:30 in the morning before a school day. Jared was in high school, Erik in Junior High and Ethan elementary and fighting cancer. When the dog came inside from his morning constitutional it was all too apparent that he was sprayed. We tried desperately to leave the house quickly so as to assume the stench. Alas, it was not to be so. All three children reported at the end of the day how horrible it was to be at school - Erik actually was taken to the office and given a "loaner uniform" in hopes of reducing the stench. Jared reported it was his worst day ever! I actually had children at school look at me funny but not say a word even though they knew it was me that was stinking the place up! Ethan and I had an appointment at Mary Free Bed to review his physical agility from Chemotherapy afterschool that same day. When we arrived, you could tell everyone knew we smelled but nobody said a word. It wasn't until our doctor came in and acknowleged that she too had experienced a dog being sprayed by a skunk that someone sympathized with our situtation.
Cancer and now death of a loved one is a lot like that. People around us know what we are going through but they don't want to talk about it for fear of embarrasing us or saying what is obviously true.
As one who has experienced cancer, death of a loved one, and being sprayed by a skunk - 3 times- I am hear to tell you. We want to talk about it, to share our misery, our joy, our laughter over the situation. To know that you love us enough to say - do you know you stink?