The Sunday before Christmas....hard to believe!
We have been enjoying some incredible snow fall - perhaps enjoying is not the right word for everyone at our house - I'm enjoying it!
The Christmas Season has been good so far. Not a lot of sadness...but such incredible joy bursting forth because of the birth of a Savior!
Our choir sang at church today and I can't tell you the joy that just seems to emanate from my heart when we are singing - Every Valley will be exalted; and every mountain made low - plus all the great hymns that are sung at this time of year...it's hard not to be joyful!

I'm on vacation now and have a list of things to get done over the next two weeks - mostly de-cluttering! We plan to spend Christmas at our house this year with Joe's brother's family coming and then spend New Year's with my brother's family.

May God Bless all of you this season with an open and joyful heart!

Snow Day

Ahh...the joys of being a teacher! You still get to have that childish feeling of a snow day!! Erik was little jealous that he did have school today and I didn't.
Our weekend was wonderful. We had a great time with family - 15 of us in a small 3 bedroom, one bath house! It was great!
We did not make the trip over to Canada on Friday as planned. The weather was too iffy and we just didn't want to risk it. So we will make the trip in the spring.
The Christmas decorations will come out today and we will begin our advent season. It's always been such a beautiful and emotional holiday for me. I get so caught up in the unconditional love that God has for us. That he would create his own son to save us from ourselves - incredible. I don't think I've made it through a christmas eve service without at least one tear of joy.
I'm off to shovel snow and decorate!

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow morning we journey up to the Soo to enjoy family at my niece's house! We are so looking forward to spending time together with everyone again.
On Friday, we plan to drive to Camp Bil-O-Wood to spread Ethan's ashes over the lake. It will be bittersweet.
We know that Ethan is not in those ashes but the thoughts are there that again we will be saying goodbye or at least see you soon. Thoughts of him have flooded my mind lately - we had a lovely snow that was perfect for snowmen and I remembered how he begged to make them everytime it snowed. Pumpkin pie was his favorite - he asked for it year round - and when I helped the kids at school make them it was bittersweet. I just took the Chex Mix out of the oven - Ethan always wanted to help make it and eat it! Good memories...lovely thoughts....parting IS such sweet sorrow.
I often think that Ethan is having the time of his life in heaven - enjoying it with as much gusto as he did life on Earth. We are so happy for his gain but sometimes are sad for our loss. I can only imagine the love that we will feel when we enter heaven will make the sadness seem so small and insignificant - a drop of water compared to the ocean!

We are thankful for life, for home, family, food, health, happiness, and joy this season. Even without Ethan here, we are so blessed. We are blessed that he is no longer suffering, that we no longer await the MRI's and doctor's appointments with anxiety and dread, that he is transformed and living with the Holy One - waiting for us to come! Praise God for that!

Birthday thoughts

Instead of repeating...just visit Ethan's care page www.carepages.com/carepages/ethanmcgraw

Forgiveness

Joe and I spoke at a church on Sunday about our faith life through out Ethan's cancer journey. It was emotional but also good to tell other's about the incredible love of Christ. Several people came up to us afterwards and asked for prayers for their journey. It was a neat experience.

Saturday, however, was a little tougher for me. Joe told me that he and the boys were going to get tattoos in memory of Ethan, even though I had voiced my very negative opinion on tattoos. I was extremely hurt and angry that my opinion meant nothing to them. I later learned that all of his family knew all about it and had "covered" for him. I really felt betrayed and lied to.
After praying for guidance, I was reminded that pride is a sin and that mostly that was what was hurting - my pride. So after 3 days of being upset and trying to figure out how to even look at the tattoos without feeling that betrayal and truly honoring the meaning behind them. I have been given the gift of forgiveness. I don't like how the anger and resentment feels. So I'm forgiving them and will try so hard to look at the tattoos as memorials to Ethan even though they are huge and not at all what I would consider a memorial. Every one grieves in their own way and I need to respect that.

"Turn to me and have mercy on me, as you always do to those who love your name. Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me. Redeem me from the oppression of men, that I may obey your precepts. Make your face shine upon your servant and teach me your decrees." Psalm 119: 132-135

All Saints Day

Halloween was not as bad as I had anticipated. We had about 100 little trick or treaters (some older ones too!) come to our house and it was was fun to see them all dressed up and anxious for candy!
I spent the weekend reading the care page entries from day one to present. It gave me such incredible comfort. I feel much better today!

We celebrated All Saints Day at church today. On this day, we honor and remember all the saints that have gone on before us to heaven. Our church names all the people in the past year and the church bell is rung after each name is announced. Then during the hymn "All the Saints", members of the congregation can go up and place a carnation on the altar in memory of loved ones. I have always gone up for a friend that died in high school, my gramma, my grampa, my sister-in-law, my mother-in-law, and this year added Ethan. It was a teary eyed occasion but also a blessing to know that he is a saint now. Joe had a very difficult time today because he doesn't regularly attend our church and I forgot to tell him what was going to happen. He did feel the love of the family and church members around him though and I think that helped.
On a positive note, Joe is attending on a regular basis now! Praise God!

The sermon was on heaven and it was very comforting to hear that we will all be together again. I'm in search of a book called "90 minutes in Heaven". Our pastor mentioned it during the sermon - it's about a man who was in a car accident and actually spent 90 minutes of Earthly time with God in Heaven before he was brought back to life and he describes his time there.

I'm also going to read Revelations. I'm going to pray for discernment to not get caught up in the imagery and just ask to see the big picture. I'll let you know how it goes!

One holiday down...several to go. With the love and comfort of God we shall persevere. Ethan's birthday is Nov. 19.

Peace and blessings to all.

Gilda's

Tonight I attended my first Parent Grief group at Gilda's. It meets on Wednesdays, obviously. Anyway, we usually go on Thursday nights to the Pediatric Oncology Parent Group. Ethan would attend the Tween group.

The major difference in the groups, besides the obvious, is that not all the deaths are from cancer. It was interesting to hear different stories and hear how people are at different stages in their grieving. I left feeling extremely blessed that we had time with Ethan, that we were present at his passing, and that we have completely accepted his death. I will go again but I'm not sure for how long.

Halloween is going to be difficult. I found myself thinking today that I don't have to carve a pumpkin for the first time in 21 years! It's good and bad. Joe and I would take turns taking the kids trick or treating each year. Ethan usually picked who he wanted to go at the last minute and the other one stayed home. Last year, he went with a friend.

I'm mystified by my emotions lately though - I know, it's grief - one minute I'm fine and the next minute I'm stuck in some memory. I still feel completely at peace with Ethan's death, I just seem to be going down memory lane A LOT!

One of my favorite pictures of him is the Halloween we were in isolation at the hospital and Ethan wanted to be the Incredible Hulk. I took a picture of him on Halloween night in his hospital bed, all dressed up for trick or treating! Because we were in isolation, we left his jack-o-lantern bucket by the door and people dropped treats in it as they went by. We also carved a foamboard pumpkin - can't have real ones when you're in isolation - it's sitting on our porch this year but that year we set it outside our hospital door with a flashing light inside so that "everyone will know it's Halloween" (Ethan's 7 year old words).

So this year we begin our new normal of Halloween without young children living with us. It's okay. We knew one day it was going to happen, we just didn't think "one day" was so soon. Another lesson for us to learn that we do not control our lives, we should plan for one day but not expect it to come. We should rely on God for everything and give him thanks for all - even the tough things. He took an incredibly difficult time in our lives and turned it into the most precious time. For that and many other things, we give thanks and praise.

Yesterday for some reason was a tough day. Not the pit in your stomach, I can't get out of bed day. But I just couldn't get Ethan's last day out of my mind. I know it had a lot to do with taking my annual CPR class and hearing about the warning signs of the end of life. In a heartbeat, I was back in the hospital room, hearing Ethan's shallow breathing, looking at his unseeing eyes, holding his hand, and telling him quietly and gently that Jesus loved him so much more than I did and it was okay to go to Him. That Ethan C. and Ethan M. and Gramma and so many others were waiting for him. That we would be okay...it was time to think about Ethan and not about us.
I remember lying with him and smelling his hair, trying to imprint it on my mind. I remember Jesus holding both of us. Most of all I remember the incredulous joy when Ethan breathed his last breath. I felt I was going to burst, the room was spinning, I was so happy. My son was going to heaven. What more could I ask for!
Now today I am reminded of that joy and that my life needs to be dedicated to God...I need to continue to live as if each day is my last. I need to be joyful - and I am - for the most part.

"O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens. From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger." Psalm 8:1 & 2