Happy Birthday, Ethan!

Tomorrow, November 19, I will celebrate the birth of my third child! Ethan was born at 7:37AM. He was the third and final son to be born on a Sunday! My labor was less than 6 hours with him and I remember when the doctor held him up and then placed him on my chest, how blessed I felt. My heart felt like it would burst with love just like it did when Jared and Erik were born. Ethan looked like his brothers - we joked with our nurses that there was no reason to put a hospital band on him....he was definitely a McGraw!
The other boys had a cross stitch birth announcement done with in months of them being born. I made them each one that said their names, birth weight, height, and time. For some reason I didn't get around to getting Ethan's finished until he was diagnosed with cancer. I remember feeling awful that my son could die and I didn't even record his birth! So a cross stitch was finished when Ethan was 7 years old announcing his birth. He was happy to finally have one and I was glad to finally have a record that he was here.
This will be the 5th birthday we celebrate without Ethan physically. For some reason, this one is making me quite emotional. Little things all week have popped up that have just taken my breath away with memories....children that come up from behind me and hug me - just the way Ethan did a couple of days before he died....somebody said "what's up? Chicken butt" today- Joe and Ethan used to say this to each other all the time....I watched a mom and middle school child hold hands today in church and I was reminded of walking to McDonald's for the last time with Ethan - we held hands on the way there.
Tomorrow I will remember and celebrate the life of my third child - an incredible gift given to me by an incredible God and I am so thankful!

Time forgotten, Time Remembered

Chamber Choir is working on a piece of music called Alzheimer's Stories. It's about the disease. The piece is divided into 3 movements: The Numbers, The Stories, The Caregivers. It's an extremely moving piece of music. The lyrics, the music, the emotion....
I finally figured out tonight why I cry my way through most of the music - which is really not good! Music is a part of my soul. I think without music a part of me would die. I am constantly singing either in my head, out loud, or in my heart. It is a very emotional part of me. Now add to that words....words like "I've lost myself" ""Time forgotten, time remembered""Keep faith. They sense what they cannot show" "Love and music are the last things to go" "Love and compassion repair every loss." 
It sends me right to the very raw emotions of Ethan's last days....his entire journey. No...it wasn't Alzheimer's. It was the loss of a life I had planned from day I found out I was pregnant. There's the plan and there's what really happens....we have learned that lesson.
 My heart aches for those - 1 in 85 people worldwide - who are living with Alzheimer's....and the spouses, the children, the siblings, friends, the list can go on and on.... 
For me....whenever I sing this piece....I am taken right back to Ethan..the day he was diagnosed....the 5 1/2 year journey....the end....he sensed what he couldn't show....when he did only have love and music.....such a powerful piece....such an emotional ride for me. 
I can only begin to understand how the people in our choir and Grand Rapids Women's Chorus (they are joining us for this concert) that are directly affected by Alzheimer's their emotional ride.

4 years

4 years....the time we spend in high school.....the time a college attributes to a bachelor's degree....the age when children continually ask the question why.
It's been 4 years since Ethan died. 4 years ago I was sitting in an immense hospital room gazing at my son, knowing that I would never hear him speak again, that he would not open his eyes and look at me, that it was time for me to say goodbye.
Our pastor stopped by to say a blessing and sang a beautiful lullaby to Ethan..I stood alongside and wept silently...even though Ethan was 12...almost 13, death meant no more lullabies for me, no more hugs and kisses goodnight, no more saying...."Just go to bed"...
I prayed with Pastor and we said our goodnights....I was left alone with this child that God had blessed me with....that God had entrusted to me....and now it was time to say goodbye....time to return him to his Heavenly Father.
The same Heavenly Father who held both of us that night....who stayed by our sides....weeping with me and encouraging Ethan....quietly telling both of us that all would be well....
I am so thankful for the time that we were blessed with Ethan's soul....were they always good times and laughter? No....Was I a perfect parent? No....just ask my other two sons!! Was Ethan a perfect child? No...again...ask the sons!! But we did have a perfect Father that we entrusted our lives to and because of that...He walked through the valley of the shadow of death with us...Ethan came out on one side and we came out on the other. Oh, Death, where is thy sting???
So thankful for angels singing, for beauty beyond description, for indescribable joy on September 8, 2008 at 10:10am....
4 years...seems like yesterday.

Wow...haven't written in 6 months...life must be busy! Well, it is. I love every thing that I am involved in and it is so hard to say no to something that you love to do! So...teaching is number one on the plate: M - F 7:30am - 3:30pm, singing is in a tie with running: Chamber Choir Tues. 7:30 - 9:30pm Church choir Th. 7 - 8:30pm Worship team - M. 6:30 - 8pm Sat. 11am - 12:30pm (only once a month). Running: just getting back into the schedule: M - 4 miles, T - speedwork, W - rest, TH - Hills, FRI - rest, Sat - long run. Sundays - absolutely love - traditional worship - 8:30am, teach 6th, 7th, & 8th grade S.S. 9:50 - 10:50, contemporary worship 11am. Usually help out with small group confirmation 6-7:30pm - about 3 Sundays a month and when I'm not doing that LOVE helping out with High School Youth group twice a month. Then you add in Gilda's which is on an occasional basis on Wednesday's 5:30 - 7:30pm and bible Study on Thurs. mornings at 6:30am, breakfast with friends on Wed. mornings 6:30am, parent meetings, presentations at the Libraries and my life is pretty full. LOVE IT ALL!!! Today, ran into someone at Meijer who I know through a grief group and she asked me how I was doing...I told her that I am so happy Ethan is heaven. She just smiled and told me that kinda emanates from me. As I was walking through the store, I thought...I am so completely at peace with Ethan's death. So glad that he is not living on this earth any longer; that he is in complete and total peace, joy and love. Dancing and singing his little heart out - what joy this brings my heart~ I am so thankful that there is no void...that I just have complete and total peace, knowing that my boy is living the life that is meant for all of us! So as I passed the Valentine display, this adorable little monkey caught my eye. (Ethan named himself Monk-Monk and had several stuffed monkeys). I bought it and it's sitting next the computer so whenever I sit down to work or play I can see cute thing that just makes me smile as I remember my son and all the joy he brought me! "Rejoice in the LORD always,I will say it again; Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4 -6