School started back up this week...my new kids started orientation today! It was a beautiful day and the kids did really well.
Running is going well also...I plan to run the Grand Rapids Marathon in October so I have been training most of the summer.
But what has kept my mind full no matter how hard I try to shake it is memories of August and September 3 years ago. I was training for my first 10 mile run - the Bridge Run here in Grand Rapids (I will be running this this year also). I was welcoming new students to school. And I was anticipating the death of my youngest son.
I knew it was coming...the doctors had told me in June that I would have 6 months with him but Ethan was on different timing. His speech was slurred, he had gained almost 20 pounds in 2 months, and he was having mini-seizures. I was trying to memorize every moment...I knew the moments would not be forever.
Ethan knew it was coming too. He never said anything to me but in his actions he told us that his body was shutting down.
So it begins the rollercoaster of memories that I have found comes to me every year about the end of August and will end about the middle of September. Yes, tears fall, yes, there is laughter, yes, there is sadness. But at the end of the ride, I get off knowing that Ethan is home...waiting for me and all of us. I'm thankful for his homecoming and wait patiently for the day my vacation will end.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Wow...
SO I ran the Kalamazoo Marathon on May 8...came in at 4:47...8 minutes slower than my first Marathon last May. You think so much when you run...especially when you don't have music. Most marathon races request that you run without music and I oblige. ANYWAY...during the run I couldn't help thinking how running was MY thing...not really God's. All the races I run, really focus on me and not Him. Is that okay? I don't know. The thought occurred to me more than once to not run "long" races anymore because the focus was on MY ability and not on what God has blessed me with.
Then 6 days later I ran the 25k at the Fifth Third in Grand Rapids. During the week, my quads hurt so bad I couldn't even go out for a small run. So I decided that my thoughts were true and God was showing me what a total idiot I was for placing all my faith in myself and not in Him! Race day arrived and I was pumped...not sure if I would be able to run it under 3 hours but lined up just ahead of the 10 minute pacers who would finish at 2:36.
God is so incredibly awesome! I have only run the 25k(15.5 miles) 3 times. The first time I was totally exhausted at mile 11 and finished at 2:50. The 2nd time, I actually trained but still had to walk/run from exhaustion at mile 13 and finished at 2:34:26. The third time - this year - after running 26.2 miles 6 days earlier; I not only finished 5 seconds earlier at 2:34:21 but I didn't walk - I was never exhausted! I was so filled with the Holy Spirit through the whole run it was a religious experience! That time of 2:34:21 is God's time...not mine. He ran that race with me and it was the most fabulous thing I have ever done! It was like when Ethan went to heaven. My heart was bursting with joy on that run...I had no idea I was even running!!
Okay...so fast forward to yesterday when I picked up Saint Augustine's Confessions for the 4th time to read in the past 2 years. I start reading about when he was young - in his 20's I think - and a very close friend of his dies. He is in complete and total grief and sorrow. He explains how he felt like half his soul is missing because this friend filled up that half. He didn't want to be anywhere that reminded him of his friend because of the pain it caused him. The places that they frequented were not the same...Augustine was in total anguish. Then he says something profound. Note that his confessions were written when he was much older and wiser. He basically said the reason that his friend's death caused him so much pain was because he loved his friend more than God. He placed his love and trust in a human being who he knew would die, instead of in God who never dies.
WOW...what a statement. At first I couldn't believe what I was reading but then...how many times have I said, " I couldn't have gotten through that without Joe or friends or doctors or nurses " because they were right there helping me holding me. But guess what? GOD was right there helping me, holding me. AND if I believe the verse in Matthew 22:37 (Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind) doesn't that mean that I love God MORE than my husband, my friends, even my children? AND if I believe the verse in Hebrews 13: 5 & 6 (Never will I leave you or forsake you So we say with confidence: "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid, What can man do to me?" then I must confess that I do love the Lord more. Wow.
Then 6 days later I ran the 25k at the Fifth Third in Grand Rapids. During the week, my quads hurt so bad I couldn't even go out for a small run. So I decided that my thoughts were true and God was showing me what a total idiot I was for placing all my faith in myself and not in Him! Race day arrived and I was pumped...not sure if I would be able to run it under 3 hours but lined up just ahead of the 10 minute pacers who would finish at 2:36.
God is so incredibly awesome! I have only run the 25k(15.5 miles) 3 times. The first time I was totally exhausted at mile 11 and finished at 2:50. The 2nd time, I actually trained but still had to walk/run from exhaustion at mile 13 and finished at 2:34:26. The third time - this year - after running 26.2 miles 6 days earlier; I not only finished 5 seconds earlier at 2:34:21 but I didn't walk - I was never exhausted! I was so filled with the Holy Spirit through the whole run it was a religious experience! That time of 2:34:21 is God's time...not mine. He ran that race with me and it was the most fabulous thing I have ever done! It was like when Ethan went to heaven. My heart was bursting with joy on that run...I had no idea I was even running!!
Okay...so fast forward to yesterday when I picked up Saint Augustine's Confessions for the 4th time to read in the past 2 years. I start reading about when he was young - in his 20's I think - and a very close friend of his dies. He is in complete and total grief and sorrow. He explains how he felt like half his soul is missing because this friend filled up that half. He didn't want to be anywhere that reminded him of his friend because of the pain it caused him. The places that they frequented were not the same...Augustine was in total anguish. Then he says something profound. Note that his confessions were written when he was much older and wiser. He basically said the reason that his friend's death caused him so much pain was because he loved his friend more than God. He placed his love and trust in a human being who he knew would die, instead of in God who never dies.
WOW...what a statement. At first I couldn't believe what I was reading but then...how many times have I said, " I couldn't have gotten through that without Joe or friends or doctors or nurses " because they were right there helping me holding me. But guess what? GOD was right there helping me, holding me. AND if I believe the verse in Matthew 22:37 (Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind) doesn't that mean that I love God MORE than my husband, my friends, even my children? AND if I believe the verse in Hebrews 13: 5 & 6 (Never will I leave you or forsake you So we say with confidence: "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid, What can man do to me?" then I must confess that I do love the Lord more. Wow.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Good Friday
I get asked a lot what is so "good" about Good Friday. Why do Christians "celebrate" the day Jesus died?
Well, let me tell you today was not a celebration. Our church has a Tre Ore (Three Hours' Agony)service from Noon to Three. It is seven 25 minute "services" focusing on the seven last words of Christ. Today, I cried probably 7 times during that service - mostly during music. Amazed at what Christ did for me...a horrible wretched sinner who can't even give up Facebook for 40 days without lamenting! Yet, Christ took on all of our sin, let people beat him beyond human recognition, nail him to a tree and then still asked his father to forgive us because we didn't know what we were doing.
So at 3 pm I was sorrowful, remorseful, and on the verge of grieving.
I had some time before the evening service and took a walk from our church. I anticipated walking to the Starbucks in the Amway Grand but it started raining as I was walking so I changed my route and I ended up at Crescent Park by Van Andel Institute, looking at Ethan's memorial brick. I just said "I love you buddy" and then walked up to hospital to get a coffee at the cafeteria. It was fitting to be there today as I remembered several walks in the back door with Ethan. This time I pushed 1 instead of 7 on the elevator button and when I walked into the cafeteria it was eerie still to go and get a cup of coffee without stopping to look at the chips, ice cream, and candy. I left having triumphed the trip without a tear drop.
Rehearsal for the evening service proved very moving and I cried a lot. I knew that the evening service would be difficult.
The tears started flowing at Michael W. Smith's Lord Have Mercy. How could anyone love me so much that they would go through all that so I can live eternally? How horrible for God to have to turn his back on his only son when he was in such extreme pain so that I could be with him? As the song states: What wondrous love is this, o my soul...
Tonight, we were allowed to walk up and nail our "sin" to a cross...I took a hammer and pounded a nail into the cross and then sat in my pew and sobbed. Jesus, name above all names, died on a cross for me, for you, for all.
After the sound of the stone being rolled in front of the tomb, we left the church in silence.
I have always been mournful on Good Friday but since Ethan died I have been more so. Because if Christ didn't do what he did, MY son would not be living eternally. I would not be filled with peace that passes all understanding because I know Ethan is joyfully dancing and singing in the heavens.
What's Good about Good Friday? My God....that's what's good!
Well, let me tell you today was not a celebration. Our church has a Tre Ore (Three Hours' Agony)service from Noon to Three. It is seven 25 minute "services" focusing on the seven last words of Christ. Today, I cried probably 7 times during that service - mostly during music. Amazed at what Christ did for me...a horrible wretched sinner who can't even give up Facebook for 40 days without lamenting! Yet, Christ took on all of our sin, let people beat him beyond human recognition, nail him to a tree and then still asked his father to forgive us because we didn't know what we were doing.
So at 3 pm I was sorrowful, remorseful, and on the verge of grieving.
I had some time before the evening service and took a walk from our church. I anticipated walking to the Starbucks in the Amway Grand but it started raining as I was walking so I changed my route and I ended up at Crescent Park by Van Andel Institute, looking at Ethan's memorial brick. I just said "I love you buddy" and then walked up to hospital to get a coffee at the cafeteria. It was fitting to be there today as I remembered several walks in the back door with Ethan. This time I pushed 1 instead of 7 on the elevator button and when I walked into the cafeteria it was eerie still to go and get a cup of coffee without stopping to look at the chips, ice cream, and candy. I left having triumphed the trip without a tear drop.
Rehearsal for the evening service proved very moving and I cried a lot. I knew that the evening service would be difficult.
The tears started flowing at Michael W. Smith's Lord Have Mercy. How could anyone love me so much that they would go through all that so I can live eternally? How horrible for God to have to turn his back on his only son when he was in such extreme pain so that I could be with him? As the song states: What wondrous love is this, o my soul...
Tonight, we were allowed to walk up and nail our "sin" to a cross...I took a hammer and pounded a nail into the cross and then sat in my pew and sobbed. Jesus, name above all names, died on a cross for me, for you, for all.
After the sound of the stone being rolled in front of the tomb, we left the church in silence.
I have always been mournful on Good Friday but since Ethan died I have been more so. Because if Christ didn't do what he did, MY son would not be living eternally. I would not be filled with peace that passes all understanding because I know Ethan is joyfully dancing and singing in the heavens.
What's Good about Good Friday? My God....that's what's good!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Homesick
Today was an Ethan day. I don't know why but for some reason he was on my mind all day. I didn't have to work today. We went to a Lollipops concert at 9:30 - Grand Rapids Symphony does a 45 minute show for young children - and then no school. For some reason I slept until 8:30 and then jumped out of bed to shower and get to the concert.
Thoughts of him raced through my mind. It started last week with an innocent post card from a driver's education company who got a list with Ethan as a potential student, and then a letter from our auto insurance making certain that we insure anyone in our household who is old enough to drive. He's not here, I said out loud. Then I whispered...he's not here.
So after the concert I came home and got some work done and then headed over to the mall to purchase a book. In the bookstore, I could hear Ethan prompting me and then when I was walking through the mall, I heard a mom calling to her child..."Ethan...come here..." I know; it's a pretty common name...but wow after the day I had had...
Then Bible study...the songs were The Old Rugged Cross and At The Cross... I prayed that I wouldn't cry. We got up to get our dinner and someone came over to tell me they had thought about Ethan at the Betty White show when a child with cancer was on the stage with her and hugging her.
Today, I wanted to be in Heaven. Today, I wanted to hug my youngest son. Today, I love my Savior and pray for His return so I can live as God intended...without sorrow, without anxiety, without pain.
I will patiently await my call home...today I was homesick.
Thoughts of him raced through my mind. It started last week with an innocent post card from a driver's education company who got a list with Ethan as a potential student, and then a letter from our auto insurance making certain that we insure anyone in our household who is old enough to drive. He's not here, I said out loud. Then I whispered...he's not here.
So after the concert I came home and got some work done and then headed over to the mall to purchase a book. In the bookstore, I could hear Ethan prompting me and then when I was walking through the mall, I heard a mom calling to her child..."Ethan...come here..." I know; it's a pretty common name...but wow after the day I had had...
Then Bible study...the songs were The Old Rugged Cross and At The Cross... I prayed that I wouldn't cry. We got up to get our dinner and someone came over to tell me they had thought about Ethan at the Betty White show when a child with cancer was on the stage with her and hugging her.
Today, I wanted to be in Heaven. Today, I wanted to hug my youngest son. Today, I love my Savior and pray for His return so I can live as God intended...without sorrow, without anxiety, without pain.
I will patiently await my call home...today I was homesick.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Let Go
I do a lot of thinking when I am running. Today was 10 miles so I had an hour and a half to think!
There's been a lot of grief and death near friends of mine lately. And they are sad and broken-hearted. They believe in God and know that eternal life is a reality. Yet they still mourn. What if we changed our paradigm? Think about when someone gets into the college of their dreams, or goes on a trip of a lifetime...are we sad and mournful or do we rejoice with them even though we will not be with them anymore? I think if we shifted our thoughts of death to winning the lottery or getting the chance of a lifetime instead of despair because we no longer have a physical being we might not be so tired all the time.
So then my thoughts shifted once again...Have you ever played the Trust Game? You know the one where you stand in front of some one and close your eyes and just fall backwards? It's really hard to do but once you let go and fall, it's amazing how good you feel when you are caught. God is like that...He wants us to let go and trust him. If we just have one iota of faith and let go of grief, anxiety, addiction, fear, etc. He will catch us and love us like we have never been loved before.
So...let go, be amazed, and be loved more than you can even imagine! It's an incredible indescribable thing and I encourage everyone to do it.....just....let.....go.......
There's been a lot of grief and death near friends of mine lately. And they are sad and broken-hearted. They believe in God and know that eternal life is a reality. Yet they still mourn. What if we changed our paradigm? Think about when someone gets into the college of their dreams, or goes on a trip of a lifetime...are we sad and mournful or do we rejoice with them even though we will not be with them anymore? I think if we shifted our thoughts of death to winning the lottery or getting the chance of a lifetime instead of despair because we no longer have a physical being we might not be so tired all the time.
So then my thoughts shifted once again...Have you ever played the Trust Game? You know the one where you stand in front of some one and close your eyes and just fall backwards? It's really hard to do but once you let go and fall, it's amazing how good you feel when you are caught. God is like that...He wants us to let go and trust him. If we just have one iota of faith and let go of grief, anxiety, addiction, fear, etc. He will catch us and love us like we have never been loved before.
So...let go, be amazed, and be loved more than you can even imagine! It's an incredible indescribable thing and I encourage everyone to do it.....just....let.....go.......
Sunday, January 23, 2011
God is so good!
I hear this all time. Some one is blessed with a good job, great family, finances, a clear MRI, etc. Yes...in these instances God is so good! But does that mean He isn't good when someone's cancer returns? When someone dies? When someone is fired from a job? When someone's financial security is taken away? Is He absent during these times?
My response is NO!! God is good ALL THE TIME. Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS - Paul tells us in Philippians 4:4.
Yes, it's wonderful when we have good news but if we only rejoice when it is good news then we forget that ALL that God does He does because He loves us. He sees the whole picture...we see a piece.
I remember when Ethan was given 6 months to live. We were in the hospital and my sister-in-law came to visit. She was so sad and crying. I hugged her and for some reason "God is so Good" came out of my mouth. It was all that she needed to remind her that He is Good. Yes, we were about to lose a son, nephew, cousin, and friend, but we knew that Ethan was going to heaven; God granted us 5 1/2 years that He didn't have to grant; AND now I know that God is good ALL THE TIME! Not just in times when prayers are answered the way we want, but all the time.
I think Satan wants us to believe that God doesn't care about us when we are suffering. Satan wants us to think that the grief, despair, and loneliness is God leaving us alone...but I know it's not true. God is with us always...He will never forsake us or leave us...I think it's us who leave him when we despair; we don't trust Him and we believe all the lies Satan has to tell us about loneliness and despair.
May we always rejoice in the knowledge and comfort that God is for us....so WHO could be against us?
My response is NO!! God is good ALL THE TIME. Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS - Paul tells us in Philippians 4:4.
Yes, it's wonderful when we have good news but if we only rejoice when it is good news then we forget that ALL that God does He does because He loves us. He sees the whole picture...we see a piece.
I remember when Ethan was given 6 months to live. We were in the hospital and my sister-in-law came to visit. She was so sad and crying. I hugged her and for some reason "God is so Good" came out of my mouth. It was all that she needed to remind her that He is Good. Yes, we were about to lose a son, nephew, cousin, and friend, but we knew that Ethan was going to heaven; God granted us 5 1/2 years that He didn't have to grant; AND now I know that God is good ALL THE TIME! Not just in times when prayers are answered the way we want, but all the time.
I think Satan wants us to believe that God doesn't care about us when we are suffering. Satan wants us to think that the grief, despair, and loneliness is God leaving us alone...but I know it's not true. God is with us always...He will never forsake us or leave us...I think it's us who leave him when we despair; we don't trust Him and we believe all the lies Satan has to tell us about loneliness and despair.
May we always rejoice in the knowledge and comfort that God is for us....so WHO could be against us?
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