It's been a while since I posted. I am finding it difficult to write to this blog. It was much easier to post to carepages because I felt I had a purpose in getting the information about Ethan to all the people that were supporting us with prayer.
This is different. This blog is just me going on about life in general. The purpose seems to be selfish.
So I'm trying to make it unselfish in my mind!
Next Saturday, Joe and I and several friends will be doing a fundraiser for Gilda's club. It should be fun but I also know deep in the recesses of my heart that it will be heart wrenching too. Some days it is just too hard to look into people's eyes that have known Ethan. I see their sorrow and pain and know there is nothing I can do to relieve it. That's what hurts the most. I know Ethan is dancing in the heavens but I miss him especially when I'm with others who miss him too.
I'm trying to adjust to the quietness of the house, no hospital visits, no special outings, no school events, no sitting in carpool. I think for the most part I have adjusted. I keep reminding myself that just like everything else on this life journey, this is a new normal and God is with me here with Ethan standing beside him.
During this lenten season, I feel even closer to God. For God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten son. When you lose a child, you get just a hint of this love. I told Ethan just before he died that Jesus loved him so much more than I did and that heaven was waiting for him. Gramma, Aunt KD, and friends he had known that died were all there too.
I often picture Ethan playing football, soccer, baseball, you name it and I hear him telling me how wonderful it is there and that I was right.
Some days I want to be with him and I ask God how much longer before we're together again. The response is always the same: I'm not done with you yet.
So I continue on, praying for peace and strength to do God's will knowing that when it is my time; my son will be waiting to show me the awesomeness of God.
