I have spent the last day and a half reading Ethan's 5 1/2 year journey that I wrote about on carepages. I loved reading Ethan's story again. It was like he was alive again....I could hear him talking, laughing, being angry, crying, all of it and it was such a wonderful thing to be able to have those memories come to life for me.It was a bittersweet read, and one that left me in awe of how much my faith grew and how God carried us all through that time.
To be honest, I have been in a dry patch with God lately. I know He is there always, walking beside me, loving me, guiding me.....but over the past several months I have felt distant from Him.
I heard from several different sources that when this happens, it's not God who is distant, it's me. So I dove into daily devotions, reading my bible daily, prayer, you name it, I did it. Some days I would feel His presence; other days not so much.
I felt His presence the most when I was worshiping. It was overwhelmingly peaceful and joyful....to the point that I didn't want to leave. Then God reminded me that my body is the temple; the Holy Spirit resides in me and I can worship, be filled with peace and joy, all the time. But life gets in the way, because I allow it to. When I am at church I focus completely and solely on God, when I leave the building I allow the little things to pull my attention away from Him.
As I read through the carepages, I noticed that even with life pulling my attention away, I was still focusing on God and giving everything to Him, thanking Him for everything....I have stopped doing that.
So today, I will begin anew to put God first, to remember to thank Him for everything - good and bad, to call on Him throughout the day.
This journey we call life continues and I have experienced it firsthand with the love, peace, and joy that God offers to those who put Him first and also without putting Him first and just getting through everyday....I prefer the former and will continue to strive for that.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Running
Who would have guessed that a 5 year anniversary would have such an effect on me. September 8, 2013 will be 5 years since Ethan died. April 7 was 10 years since diagnosis; June will mark the prognosis of 6 months left to live, the Riverbank run will mark 5 years since my first 5k race.
I got back into running in January of 2008, Ethan had just had another relapse and I was looking for a way to relieve stress so I could be a better Mom. My brother Mark was a runner and talked me into running and training for a 5k; his wife Monica joined me in training. We trained separately but it was good to know that she was out there trying to run too. I ran that 5k for Ethan because I felt like running was the only thing I could do for him - I couldn't take his cancer away, I couldn't take the side effects away, I could just be there for him and in order to do that I needed to be my best.
I prayed him and our family a lot and I ran. Ethan was so impressed with me running! He would marvel at the distance I could run because he couldn't run - he let me use his mp3 player so I could listen to music while I ran - I still have that playlist.
The year after Ethan died, I tried to train for the 25k at Riverbank - was sick a lot and didn't get much training in....the Monday before the race I went out and ran 10 miles and decided that if my son could fight cancer for 5 1/2 years; I could run 15 miles. I ran it. I was tired, sore and exhilarated at the finish - broke down and cried for a few minutes too. I've run the 25k ever since...this year I have been sick a lot and not able to train like I wanted; I got in a 10 miler few weeks ago and have only been able to do 8 since then. On Saturday, I will run the 25k....because it's the only thing I can do for my son now. I can run listening to his playlist, I can wear the E shirt we had made after he died, and I can cross the finish line tired, sore and exhilarated - praising God for sacrificing His Son so mine could live, dance and praise Him eternally.
This song says it all for me
I got back into running in January of 2008, Ethan had just had another relapse and I was looking for a way to relieve stress so I could be a better Mom. My brother Mark was a runner and talked me into running and training for a 5k; his wife Monica joined me in training. We trained separately but it was good to know that she was out there trying to run too. I ran that 5k for Ethan because I felt like running was the only thing I could do for him - I couldn't take his cancer away, I couldn't take the side effects away, I could just be there for him and in order to do that I needed to be my best.
I prayed him and our family a lot and I ran. Ethan was so impressed with me running! He would marvel at the distance I could run because he couldn't run - he let me use his mp3 player so I could listen to music while I ran - I still have that playlist.
The year after Ethan died, I tried to train for the 25k at Riverbank - was sick a lot and didn't get much training in....the Monday before the race I went out and ran 10 miles and decided that if my son could fight cancer for 5 1/2 years; I could run 15 miles. I ran it. I was tired, sore and exhilarated at the finish - broke down and cried for a few minutes too. I've run the 25k ever since...this year I have been sick a lot and not able to train like I wanted; I got in a 10 miler few weeks ago and have only been able to do 8 since then. On Saturday, I will run the 25k....because it's the only thing I can do for my son now. I can run listening to his playlist, I can wear the E shirt we had made after he died, and I can cross the finish line tired, sore and exhilarated - praising God for sacrificing His Son so mine could live, dance and praise Him eternally.
This song says it all for me
Sunday, April 7, 2013
10 years.....10,000 reasons
Today marks 10 years that Ethan was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Ten years ago today we sat in the waiting room while our 7 year old son had brain surgery to remove a tumor the size of a golf ball that was pushing on his brain stem. A tumor that caused such vomiting and headaches that for 6 months had everything thinking he had severe acid reflux. Ethan underwent a Nissen fundoplication two weeks prior to this surgery to stop him from vomiting.
Our whole world changed on April 7, 2003. We entered a world of doctors, nurses, child life specialists, physical therapists, aides, clinics, hospitals, chemotherapy, and radiation that we never knew existed. At first the road was rocky....we weren't certain we belonged there but slowly and surely realized that we were there, there was no going back. We opened our hearts and minds to the people that were around us and we learned so much about people, our children, our community, and our God.
The journey that we started that day has not ended even though Ethan's earthly life has. Our journey continues on today in understanding what it means to have a family member or friend that has a diagnosis of cancer. It continues on in understanding the difficult task of making peace with a Maker who sees a much bigger picture than we do and trusting that He knows best even when we think we know better. It continues in the way we can mourn with others who have had to bury their own children or loved ones.
Today is a day that I will forever remember. After the nurses in the PICU urged us to go home and get rest before Ethan's surgery, Joe and I came home. In amongst the tears and hugging, Joe asked me why God was doing this to us? I remember having a vision of my family being split apart - divorce, hatred, ugliness - and I answered him. "God is not doing this to us, but we need to cling to Him if we are going to get through this." More tears, more hugging, more God...
Most of you know the story that comes after that first week, if you would like to read the story of Ethan's 5 1/2 year cancer journey; his carepage is still up at www.carepages.com/ethanmcgraw.
Our church sang 10,000 Reasons today and my heart and soul almost burst with joy. A joy that is so
difficult to explain but so easy to have. Bless the Lord, O my Soul! Thank you, Jesus, for the journeys that you have sent me on that brought me so much closer to you - I await the day I get to see You face to face and my own son gets to show me around Heaven. Alleluia!!!
Our whole world changed on April 7, 2003. We entered a world of doctors, nurses, child life specialists, physical therapists, aides, clinics, hospitals, chemotherapy, and radiation that we never knew existed. At first the road was rocky....we weren't certain we belonged there but slowly and surely realized that we were there, there was no going back. We opened our hearts and minds to the people that were around us and we learned so much about people, our children, our community, and our God.
The journey that we started that day has not ended even though Ethan's earthly life has. Our journey continues on today in understanding what it means to have a family member or friend that has a diagnosis of cancer. It continues on in understanding the difficult task of making peace with a Maker who sees a much bigger picture than we do and trusting that He knows best even when we think we know better. It continues in the way we can mourn with others who have had to bury their own children or loved ones.
Today is a day that I will forever remember. After the nurses in the PICU urged us to go home and get rest before Ethan's surgery, Joe and I came home. In amongst the tears and hugging, Joe asked me why God was doing this to us? I remember having a vision of my family being split apart - divorce, hatred, ugliness - and I answered him. "God is not doing this to us, but we need to cling to Him if we are going to get through this." More tears, more hugging, more God...
Most of you know the story that comes after that first week, if you would like to read the story of Ethan's 5 1/2 year cancer journey; his carepage is still up at www.carepages.com/ethanmcgraw.
Our church sang 10,000 Reasons today and my heart and soul almost burst with joy. A joy that is so
difficult to explain but so easy to have. Bless the Lord, O my Soul! Thank you, Jesus, for the journeys that you have sent me on that brought me so much closer to you - I await the day I get to see You face to face and my own son gets to show me around Heaven. Alleluia!!!
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