Tomorrow morning we journey up to the Soo to enjoy family at my niece's house! We are so looking forward to spending time together with everyone again.
On Friday, we plan to drive to Camp Bil-O-Wood to spread Ethan's ashes over the lake. It will be bittersweet.
We know that Ethan is not in those ashes but the thoughts are there that again we will be saying goodbye or at least see you soon. Thoughts of him have flooded my mind lately - we had a lovely snow that was perfect for snowmen and I remembered how he begged to make them everytime it snowed. Pumpkin pie was his favorite - he asked for it year round - and when I helped the kids at school make them it was bittersweet. I just took the Chex Mix out of the oven - Ethan always wanted to help make it and eat it! Good memories...lovely thoughts....parting IS such sweet sorrow.
I often think that Ethan is having the time of his life in heaven - enjoying it with as much gusto as he did life on Earth. We are so happy for his gain but sometimes are sad for our loss. I can only imagine the love that we will feel when we enter heaven will make the sadness seem so small and insignificant - a drop of water compared to the ocean!
We are thankful for life, for home, family, food, health, happiness, and joy this season. Even without Ethan here, we are so blessed. We are blessed that he is no longer suffering, that we no longer await the MRI's and doctor's appointments with anxiety and dread, that he is transformed and living with the Holy One - waiting for us to come! Praise God for that!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Birthday thoughts
Instead of repeating...just visit Ethan's care page www.carepages.com/carepages/ethanmcgraw
Monday, November 10, 2008
Forgiveness
Joe and I spoke at a church on Sunday about our faith life through out Ethan's cancer journey. It was emotional but also good to tell other's about the incredible love of Christ. Several people came up to us afterwards and asked for prayers for their journey. It was a neat experience.
Saturday, however, was a little tougher for me. Joe told me that he and the boys were going to get tattoos in memory of Ethan, even though I had voiced my very negative opinion on tattoos. I was extremely hurt and angry that my opinion meant nothing to them. I later learned that all of his family knew all about it and had "covered" for him. I really felt betrayed and lied to.
After praying for guidance, I was reminded that pride is a sin and that mostly that was what was hurting - my pride. So after 3 days of being upset and trying to figure out how to even look at the tattoos without feeling that betrayal and truly honoring the meaning behind them. I have been given the gift of forgiveness. I don't like how the anger and resentment feels. So I'm forgiving them and will try so hard to look at the tattoos as memorials to Ethan even though they are huge and not at all what I would consider a memorial. Every one grieves in their own way and I need to respect that.
"Turn to me and have mercy on me, as you always do to those who love your name. Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me. Redeem me from the oppression of men, that I may obey your precepts. Make your face shine upon your servant and teach me your decrees." Psalm 119: 132-135
Saturday, however, was a little tougher for me. Joe told me that he and the boys were going to get tattoos in memory of Ethan, even though I had voiced my very negative opinion on tattoos. I was extremely hurt and angry that my opinion meant nothing to them. I later learned that all of his family knew all about it and had "covered" for him. I really felt betrayed and lied to.
After praying for guidance, I was reminded that pride is a sin and that mostly that was what was hurting - my pride. So after 3 days of being upset and trying to figure out how to even look at the tattoos without feeling that betrayal and truly honoring the meaning behind them. I have been given the gift of forgiveness. I don't like how the anger and resentment feels. So I'm forgiving them and will try so hard to look at the tattoos as memorials to Ethan even though they are huge and not at all what I would consider a memorial. Every one grieves in their own way and I need to respect that.
"Turn to me and have mercy on me, as you always do to those who love your name. Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me. Redeem me from the oppression of men, that I may obey your precepts. Make your face shine upon your servant and teach me your decrees." Psalm 119: 132-135
Sunday, November 2, 2008
All Saints Day
Halloween was not as bad as I had anticipated. We had about 100 little trick or treaters (some older ones too!) come to our house and it was was fun to see them all dressed up and anxious for candy!
I spent the weekend reading the care page entries from day one to present. It gave me such incredible comfort. I feel much better today!
We celebrated All Saints Day at church today. On this day, we honor and remember all the saints that have gone on before us to heaven. Our church names all the people in the past year and the church bell is rung after each name is announced. Then during the hymn "All the Saints", members of the congregation can go up and place a carnation on the altar in memory of loved ones. I have always gone up for a friend that died in high school, my gramma, my grampa, my sister-in-law, my mother-in-law, and this year added Ethan. It was a teary eyed occasion but also a blessing to know that he is a saint now. Joe had a very difficult time today because he doesn't regularly attend our church and I forgot to tell him what was going to happen. He did feel the love of the family and church members around him though and I think that helped.
On a positive note, Joe is attending on a regular basis now! Praise God!
The sermon was on heaven and it was very comforting to hear that we will all be together again. I'm in search of a book called "90 minutes in Heaven". Our pastor mentioned it during the sermon - it's about a man who was in a car accident and actually spent 90 minutes of Earthly time with God in Heaven before he was brought back to life and he describes his time there.
I'm also going to read Revelations. I'm going to pray for discernment to not get caught up in the imagery and just ask to see the big picture. I'll let you know how it goes!
One holiday down...several to go. With the love and comfort of God we shall persevere. Ethan's birthday is Nov. 19.
Peace and blessings to all.
I spent the weekend reading the care page entries from day one to present. It gave me such incredible comfort. I feel much better today!
We celebrated All Saints Day at church today. On this day, we honor and remember all the saints that have gone on before us to heaven. Our church names all the people in the past year and the church bell is rung after each name is announced. Then during the hymn "All the Saints", members of the congregation can go up and place a carnation on the altar in memory of loved ones. I have always gone up for a friend that died in high school, my gramma, my grampa, my sister-in-law, my mother-in-law, and this year added Ethan. It was a teary eyed occasion but also a blessing to know that he is a saint now. Joe had a very difficult time today because he doesn't regularly attend our church and I forgot to tell him what was going to happen. He did feel the love of the family and church members around him though and I think that helped.
On a positive note, Joe is attending on a regular basis now! Praise God!
The sermon was on heaven and it was very comforting to hear that we will all be together again. I'm in search of a book called "90 minutes in Heaven". Our pastor mentioned it during the sermon - it's about a man who was in a car accident and actually spent 90 minutes of Earthly time with God in Heaven before he was brought back to life and he describes his time there.
I'm also going to read Revelations. I'm going to pray for discernment to not get caught up in the imagery and just ask to see the big picture. I'll let you know how it goes!
One holiday down...several to go. With the love and comfort of God we shall persevere. Ethan's birthday is Nov. 19.
Peace and blessings to all.
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