Have you ever just wanted to feel normal? Like you fit in with the rest of the crowd? Well, I don't fit in. For some reason beyond my comprehension, I do not grieve my son like others who grieve. I do not have a big whole in my heart, I do not feel sadness on each holiday because he is not here. I do not count how old he would have been on his birthday.
I only have total complete peace and joy about his life. I am so happy that he is with God. I am so thankful for all the people we met along the journey. I am thankful for people that we have met that have also experienced the death of a child.
I just feel out of place. I should be crying, I should be sad, I should be upset that I have to have Christmas without him. I'm not and I can't seem to conjure up those feelings.
I feel as though I am blessed to have that complete joy and peace but when the people I know who are grieving and sad it's hard for me to say that I understand their sadness, I can't because I don't have it.
I am so completely thankful for Ethan. For the life that God gave him, for all that Ethan gave us! What a joyous child and sometimes a complete pain in the butt! But he was my kid and I loved him wholly and completely just as my other children. So.... what's wrong with me?
Thank you God for this joy that I cannot explain. I pray it for others who are traveling down the road of life without a loved one.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Bethlehem
How far is it to Bethlehem? Not very far. - words from a familiar Christmas song that is ringing in my ears lately.
I'm just having such a difficult time with life application in general. The idea of changing a paradox is intriguing to me. The paradigms that seem to be overflowing in our world is world peace and curing all kinds of cancer, disease, etc. So my very innocent question is this: Why are we fighting so hard to stay in a world we can hardly bear? People complain constantly about real things like disease, doctors, insurance, and then simple things like the weather. We can't stand our neighbors, the doctors did us wrong, our kids' teachers don't understand, the snowstorm, rainstorm, on and on and on. Then something tragic happens and we unite with these people that we couldn't deal with before, we realize that we can live together if we just put our differences aside, and we fight. We win or lose the fight and we go back to living the way it was before.
I love God. I want to serve Him in any way that He wants me to. I just keep coming back to the question of selfishness. When Ethan was sick, I would have done anything to keep him here...until the questions of blinding him or rendering him four times less intelligent than he was came into play. Then I started to question my own selfishness to keep this child with me when I knew that He could live eternally without any of this. Was I so determined to have this child by my side that I was willingly to sacrifice his quality of life? The answer for me was no. I knew/know that Jesus could offer him so much more than I ever could. Would it bring me pain? Yes. Would I regret my decision? No. How could I live with myself knowing I tortured my child for my benefit?
How far is it to Bethlehem? Not very far....we are so close to heaven, to home. We only need to serve others here who suffer, to love those that are not loved, and to pray for guidance when we are uncertain of the crazy life we live here. Home is certainly not on this earth as we are so fervently told to believe but IT IS with CHRIST in Heaven. This is just a vacation with horrid stories and good laughs that I can hardly wait to tell my Father about when I get home....funny thing...He already knows the stories!
I'm just having such a difficult time with life application in general. The idea of changing a paradox is intriguing to me. The paradigms that seem to be overflowing in our world is world peace and curing all kinds of cancer, disease, etc. So my very innocent question is this: Why are we fighting so hard to stay in a world we can hardly bear? People complain constantly about real things like disease, doctors, insurance, and then simple things like the weather. We can't stand our neighbors, the doctors did us wrong, our kids' teachers don't understand, the snowstorm, rainstorm, on and on and on. Then something tragic happens and we unite with these people that we couldn't deal with before, we realize that we can live together if we just put our differences aside, and we fight. We win or lose the fight and we go back to living the way it was before.
I love God. I want to serve Him in any way that He wants me to. I just keep coming back to the question of selfishness. When Ethan was sick, I would have done anything to keep him here...until the questions of blinding him or rendering him four times less intelligent than he was came into play. Then I started to question my own selfishness to keep this child with me when I knew that He could live eternally without any of this. Was I so determined to have this child by my side that I was willingly to sacrifice his quality of life? The answer for me was no. I knew/know that Jesus could offer him so much more than I ever could. Would it bring me pain? Yes. Would I regret my decision? No. How could I live with myself knowing I tortured my child for my benefit?
How far is it to Bethlehem? Not very far....we are so close to heaven, to home. We only need to serve others here who suffer, to love those that are not loved, and to pray for guidance when we are uncertain of the crazy life we live here. Home is certainly not on this earth as we are so fervently told to believe but IT IS with CHRIST in Heaven. This is just a vacation with horrid stories and good laughs that I can hardly wait to tell my Father about when I get home....funny thing...He already knows the stories!
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