Have you ever just wanted to feel normal? Like you fit in with the rest of the crowd? Well, I don't fit in. For some reason beyond my comprehension, I do not grieve my son like others who grieve. I do not have a big whole in my heart, I do not feel sadness on each holiday because he is not here. I do not count how old he would have been on his birthday.
I only have total complete peace and joy about his life. I am so happy that he is with God. I am so thankful for all the people we met along the journey. I am thankful for people that we have met that have also experienced the death of a child.
I just feel out of place. I should be crying, I should be sad, I should be upset that I have to have Christmas without him. I'm not and I can't seem to conjure up those feelings.
I feel as though I am blessed to have that complete joy and peace but when the people I know who are grieving and sad it's hard for me to say that I understand their sadness, I can't because I don't have it.
I am so completely thankful for Ethan. For the life that God gave him, for all that Ethan gave us! What a joyous child and sometimes a complete pain in the butt! But he was my kid and I loved him wholly and completely just as my other children. So.... what's wrong with me?
Thank you God for this joy that I cannot explain. I pray it for others who are traveling down the road of life without a loved one.
4 comments:
Woohoo express yourself!! YES! I don't think anythings wrong with you. :) I think it's nice that you're not constantly complaining and using that as an excuse like some people do. But yeah.. It's true that everyone grieves in their own way. Maybe that's yours?
I give glory to God for how you truly feel. What a blessing to have had Ethan and to be able to look forward to seeing him again. If this happens to me I pray to have your peace and joy. Maybe you are meant to show others how glorious it can be. Bless you Jennifer!
Nothing's wrong with you...you are how you are supposed to be, and grieve how you are supposed to grieve. That's ok. It really is.
I think it's sad though that someone would see others who, like me, struggle so much after the loss of their child, as constantly complaining and using it as an excuse. I hope those people are never here, I truly do. HUGS, Jennifer, and Merry Christmas!
Your life reflects the power and love of God. So many times when I have been on the outside of a situation, I think to myself "I couldn't do that, I am so scared, I don't want that to happen to me....", but when I have been in those situations God has always filled me with HIS peace, HIS love and HIS perception on things. And because of this I make it through, and not only make it through, but I fall more in love with him, trust him more and see things a little more from HIS perspective - what a gift!!! Father, give us your eyes, your heart, your strength! Help us to discover how incredible you are! As we discover how amazing God is that is what makes our lives beautiful; you are beautiful Jennifer. I am glad you are in my life.
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